Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by RTFQ, Nov 25, 2004.

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  1. RTFQ


    Right, I'm going trekking through bear country soon (not skelmersdale, although the birds are quite rough there - the Rockies). Someone claiming to be an "ex-spurt" on the subject reckons if you get attacked by one you dead.

    Can someone out there confirm that this tactic would be more successful than putting a .300 Winchester Magnum through the fcukers face?

    Is this part of the same category of advice that claims you should:

    a. Kiss a shark on the nose when it's eating you to "disarm it". Fcuk Off...
    b. Run in zig zags to avoid a croc attack.
    c. Dip your old man in dettol when you've got a dose from Sticky Jean
  2. I would try the .300 Win Mag first, and if that doesn't work, you might as well feckin' play dead.
  3. serious advice , is to wear bright clothing and make a load of noise (bit like signals on excercise) the bear will then f*ck off away from you.

    unless you have a picnic basket.

    in which case bear and small sidekick will hatch a half arrsed plan to steal said picnic basket , before ranger smith can catch them.

    hope this helps.
  4. Unknown_Quantity

    Unknown_Quantity War Hero Moderator

    It'll save time when the bear with a .300 round in its face get's to you :D
  5. As Chickenpunk says, .300 first. I recall they used to teach it but they interviewed the wife of the husband who was eaten and he tried 'playing dead.' 8O

    The other one 'they' say is run down hill, bears can't. Bollox, they not only run down hill, they run a lot faster than you can. Obviously, don't climb a tree either.

    Just take a big pot of honey, some 'pooh' sticks (cue rude inuendo's), and act like Christopher Robin 8)
  6. That's actually spelt 'pickernick' basket :)
  7. Take a leaf out of John Wests book like this guy

  8. RTFQ


    Shortfuze (note correct spelling of fuze :wink: )

    Good advice mate, appreciated.
    If I'm going to act like the scalies on ex, should I have tesco carrier bags hanging off my bergan alongside the mess tins, and never wander more than 35m from my boxbody (which is complete with heating and TV), oh and leave my rifle with my mate dave, coz he's watching it while he plays GTA3 on the playstation?

    Once watched really w@nky film with an ex with Brad Pits. He wrestles a bear, reckon I could give it a go?
  9. You should take someone with you.

    2 wildlife photographers on safari in Kenya when they see a lion, which looks a bit frisky and is obviously preparing to attack

    one of them takes his pack off, extracts a pair of Reeboks and starts putting them on

    the other one says 'why are you bothering mate? You won't outrun a lion even in Reeboks'

    'no,' says the first one, 'but I'll sure as hell outrun you. Mate.'

    The old ones are the best.
  10. Thanks, Booboo.

    I've got a friend called Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi etc etc.
    Make sure any food is double-bagged at night and stored away from sleeping areas / in the vehicle / up high. You really do not need a hungry grizzly knocking on your tent to get at the unwrapped food he smells in there!
  11. If attacked by the Bear do what you know best stab its 'chocolate starfish' with yer 'pork sword'. You have told us all previously you are good at that! :twisted:
  12. RTFQ


    Was thinking of waiting until gurlfriend goes on the rag then go out and drag her behind us on 50m of paracord. Any beasties will pick up her sent and take her out - not only giving us plenty of warning but also doing me a cheesy quaver into the deal.
  13. Fantastic moment at the start of the AT phase of Pond Jump about ten years ago when the resident tree spotter finishes off his, 'don't keep food in the tents' chat with words along the lines of:

    "If a black bear attacks you - punch it in the nose, it will probably then run off. If a Brown bear attacks you - play dead, it will probably leave you alone but don't punch it whatever happens. That'll just get it mad and then you're fleeced.

    Oh, one final thing to remember guys, you do get black brown bears and brown black bears. Enjoy your stay in Jasper now."

    Happy days.

    I need to get out more.
  14. Unfortunately for you it seems the only people getting killed in the Rockies by bears are the Brits whom seem to think "its Paddington"

    anyway, don't run, they are faster and would treat this as a sport

    playing dead will work (apparently) as they like their meat to squirm. HOWEVER, people who have survived by playing dead, also get the f*ck knocked out of them as the bear attempts to discover if you are worth eating.

    I would personally recommend the firearm option, but since you're going to be in Canada, forget it! they won't let you. (and if you did, the westie weirdo’s would probably charge you with killing out of season)

    So, ask the local ranger what's up and buy an anti-bear device (no I am not taking the p*ss you can get them, but they cost and in the process of scaring away the bear - like a flash/bang grenade- they also knock you and any other living creature within 5 meters that is smaller than a bear, out!) of course, whilst your unconscious and recovering the bear will probably come back and kicked the sh*t out of ya.

  15. RTFQ


    OK, cheers PY, do any of you spams live near the border. I'll pay you to help smuggle some protection over. If you think I'm wandering around there with a fcuking noisy smoke grenade you can think on. I'm either going tooled or I'm staying here and watching gentle ben. What if I meet a french canadian? I can't kill the cnut with my bare hands, I might catch something!