Would you like to be paid to be in a book? This is a chance to get your stories out there to the world! I am an ex Royal Marine Commando now living in Australia who has swapped his weapon for a computer to become a freelance writer. I am currently in negotiation with a publisher for my next work which has a provisional title of RâNâR. There are many books written about the serviceman of the past and their humour is legendary. However in recent years there has been little written about the human face of life in the Services. Todayâs serviceman is busier now than at any point since WWII and therefore it is imperative that you people are heard. RâNâR will be a collections of humorous stories from the past 30 years about servicemen and women and their time in the Services I am looking for stories that occurred at any point or place in your career be it basic training, life on and off barracks or those operational tours where your sphincter twitched more than an epileptic in a disco. The more ludicrous and unbelievable the better; and I am more than happy to look at those that may have been embellished with some âartistic licence.â Whether you were part of them or just know the story all submissions are welcomed. No subject is taboo, as a serviceman by default lives a life by ethics not consistent with the norms of life and therefore some sections of the public may not understand a servicemanâs unique sense of humour but it is likely that they neither understand the ethos of integrity, discipline and selflessness that stand a serviceman apart from civilians. All submissions will be that are published will receive notification, editing agreements so you are happy with the final draft of your submission Please send submissions by email to: email@example.com Nijel Thorpe PO45739X Royal Marines 1986-1998 Just to verify my credentials and of who i am please read below to see that i am not a walter mitty: Now in civvie street............ To protect me from Politically correct buffoons this is what i tell them about me: After recent World events (increase in World terrorism, Taiwanese continued land disputes with China and Barney the Dinosaur not being shown anymore), have reassessed my social and moral values and decided to abandon modernity . My family and i now have joined a sect of Mennonites in Western Belize. My life has forsaken the sins of the corrupt capitalist world that rots ever deeper into the vacuous wounds of our ears and eyes and has taken on new meaning where the basic things in life, bread, water and jacket potatoes are now as important as prayer, and self mortification. Our evenings are no longer being taken over by the demonised media we now use our time productively helping under privileged farmhands learn chemistry and Media studies. Our simple life gives up pollutants and we turn to the oxon, horse and Chimera to help us in our day to day activities where we as a united family leave our insulated cave and take our cart pulled by our faithful horse Barbara to the local markets and sell our wares, hand made paper mache vases, boil lances and orb cheese. The cries of our souls as we walk bear footed over brambles are ululations in veneration to the Lord Almighty and my families continual sobbing is music to my ears as they appreciate the lives they now lead in the worship of our Father. All ye who continue to be led by those in power do so at your own risk all i can do to make you think a little clearer is to listen to the ode i give to thee 'Life, oh life, oh life, oo oo ooh. Life, oh life, oh life' (Desiree circa 1992) Daylight is our clock. We have no compass to guide us but the sun in the sky. Electricity is a foreign word, that does not blight our vocabulary, and the Information superhighway goes only one way, away from us via the Earl of Satan's estate. Be brave foolish ones .......be brave. Those wishing to join us in our everlasting lifestyle should email me on firstname.lastname@example.org God be with you in your short and unfruitful lives. I am everlasting, immortal and tattifilarious in my devotion to the future of the worldâs future in the years to come for now, and in the future. STOP PRESS Due to the well documented crash in orb cheese in the commodities market, i have had to give up my joyful life above and so now am living in a Yurt in Central Mongolia with the cast of 70's sitcom 'Robin's Nest (apart from Richard O'Sullivan who thought himself above us all and decided to get a role in 'The Bill' as a narcissistic pimp). We live together on a quasi-pseudo-quasi work collective living from the fat of the land including our local speciality spread made from the tripe of Oxen, it is so nice i can't believe its not butter. We have no fresh Water near where we are so have to drink fermented Yak urine so heavily sweetened with lemon i cant believe it's not bitter. Due to the lack of water we eat only lungfish which the locals cover in a crispy fat coating, they say it isnât but i can't believe it's not batter. I am currently writing this while in agony as i dropped a large tub of margarine on my foot. This happened 3 weeks ago so i can't believe it's not better. However this does not stop me going to the local bot (place of worship) with my buddhist brethren. They are so utterly devoted in their worship i am surprised their place of worship is so simple, indeed i can't believe it's not botter. Together we preside over the World Forum for the right to carry mathematical implements, as having travelled around the world i have been disgusted at the lack of understanding and specific discrimination against those who choose to carry set square, ruler protractor and compass. Indeed I was denied entry to Angkor Wat temple in Cambodia for carrying my geometry set due to some trumped up charge of 'incitement to cause mathematical answers' as this would cause a mathematical conflict of interest with the local authorities (total rubbish in my eyes but 'wat' can you do). By way of negotiation however i did manage to be allowed in with an onion. However as you are all of the same kin i can elaborate my true history: Joined the Royal Marines in Jul 86 went to 40 4 Tp B Coy where i learnt the noble art of transvestitism. Did Forkhill 88 as a young 18yr old amazing the local kids with our new SA80's especially the ones with grenade launcher (actually 1pint flasks maskered to the underside of the stock) loved B Coy until pre xmas leave they were doing a cull on GD marines and when only my hand was left as to guys eligible to be pinged for sigs instead did an AE's course despite the fact i cant even tie my shoelaces. Did a 6 mth detachmentt with 29 Cdo to Belize the best deployment i ever had in my time. Aah San Ped....... the Blue Angel in San Ig....and being 'Chief Bottom Spanker'.....dont ask Did a JCC soon after then returned to my beloved B Coy as a Section Commander for OP Haven. At this point in my life i became something of a shed and woke up about 18 months later as a 22yr old inlier Cpl needing to sell my stereo to raise cash to go ashore. Went on ship to dry out (yeah right) and ended up like 8 of the 10 man detachment trapping a WREN. Supposed to do a S Atlantic trip, Rio, Val paraiso caribbean etc, but ended up doing 7 months in the Adriatic doing defence watches wearing a Klu Klux Clan outfit on the MGDP. Thankfully got an early draft off there to return to 40 where i settled down had kids etc etc and that was basically the turning point in my career and decided i didnât want to miss the family growing up and despite the fact i passed SCC put my chit in. Finished on a bit of a swansong by doing a 3 month expedition down the Mississippi river (Why should i give you 14 weeks off Cpl Thorpe when you are only entitled to 2 weeks Adventure training a year? "Well Sir having done 11 yrs i have never done AT so by rights i am owed 22 weeks so i am happy to give you 8 weeks back with no arguments!") and thanks to Capt Martin Grixoni, he didnât, nice one! Left the Corps 97 (as a good old GD again) set up a Brewery in Kent with an old school friend lasted 18 mths but won national awards until we decide there was too much work for too little money. Fell into the Prison Service where i found myself knocking around with wide boy wheeler dealers total nut jobs and necrophiliacs (just like being back in the Corps).Hated my time there with other prison Officers wanting nothing to do but read newspapers and go sick so managed get out after 18 months good behaviour and did Immigration Removal which basically meant going to a nick fighting with a failed asylum seeker flying them back to wherever and then spending a couple of days pissing up, flying back business, all at the taxpayers expense. All went belly up in 2003 so worked for a Private Security firm for a contract in Iraq, although i am now a confirmed coward and got a shiney arse position down in Kuwait. Emigrated to Perth WA in 2006 and have been training manager for a security company Security Manager at a casino and now work in government, needless to say 3 jobs in 3 yrs donât enjoy the work here. I keep my sanity by working on the side as a freelance writer specializing in travel. Married the WREN and got 2 beautiful children of Satan. Some people think i drone on.....cant see why. Have to say have been out nearly 10 yrs now and will always say the best people i have ever met were you men they call Bootnecks. I am more Corps pissed than i ever was while in, i think its called appreciation. And i appreciate all the Corps did for me.