Be honest- whats the largest poo you have ever had?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by bitterandtwisted, Mar 18, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. This is a spin off of whats your fastest Pft time. So I thought some people on that thread were talking shite... So I thought lets contimue the motion and wondering if these bastards are tommy two poos, how long was the fucker?
     
  2. I bought my niece a massive Poo once

    [​IMG]
     
  3. I was on about the brown smelly one that come out of your arrse or as the case maybe with some people thier mouths!
     
  4. It is apparent that you don't need to be the brain of Britain to be a Pooh Doctor:

    Green stools can be a sign of a diet rich in green vegetables or the result of certain antibiotics and iron supplements.
    In a similar fashion, orange stools can be caused by eating a large amount of orange foods and certain medications.
    Red stools can be a sign of eating large volumes of red food but there is always the chance that they contain blood. Bright red streaks of blood can be a sign of haemorrhoids. Red stools may indicate conditions such as diverticulitis or the presence of polyps. Dark red stools can signify problems in the upper GI tract.
    Black tarry stools can be caused by iron supplements, charcoal and medicines containing bismuth. It can also be blood that has passed down from the oesophagus or stomach and may indicate some type of ulcer.
    Pale stools are often a result of excess pale food or barium x-rays but may be a sign that bile is not reaching the stools. This can be caused by a number of serious conditions such as hepatitis, liver cancer and cirrhosis.
    Floating stools are caused by excess gas and occasionally, celiac disease
    Greasy stools with a bad odour may be the result of a high level of fat. This can be caused by bad diet or a condition where fat is not being absorbed
    Skinny, ribbon-like stools can be a sign of bowel disease, adhesions, polylps or cancer and should be investigated by a doctor
     
  5. Any idea what could have caused the brown laser I fired at approx 7.30 this morning? Could have cut 007 in half with it.
     
  6. After a three week exercise in Deutschland (during which I crapped twice), I was in dire straights by the time I got home. I tried to go as soon as I got back, but it hurt too much (I know it does sound like I'm a big girl). I was due to got out on the piss that night, so I knew I would have to man up and start pumping mud at home, otherwise I'd end up giving birth on the strip in Moenchengladbach.

    I took 2x paracetamol, 3x Aspirin, quarter of a bottle of Smirnoff Blue (anaesthetic you know!), greased my sphincter up (inside & out) with vaseline & had a couple of cigarettes (you know how having a fag brings the urge to shit on?).

    Anyway the desperate urge to "bear-down" came on, very quickly...... I sprinted upstairs and seated myself upon the throne. The urge to bear down now, was quite merciless. "It" started to poke it's way out, but my God it fucking hurt! I tried to stop, but my body was having none of it. I tried everything to stop the pain; clenching my buttocks (you know to break it up or put a crimp in it) or holding my breath, but it felt like a piece of rebar (the screw-thread sensation and everything). This torture probably took 2 minutes, but it felt like fucking days. The ordeal was without doubt worse than anything encountered on my AACC a couple of years later!

    So after giving birth, I stood up (tentatively mind, I felt like I'd been fisted with a broken bottle) and was fucking gobsmacked, this abomination was a full three inches wide, I now realised why I never heard a splash either; the fucking "thing" was a good 18-24 inches long, I must have lowered the fucker into the toilet! Had my wife been in, I'd have made her come upstairs & share the proud moment with me!

    I didn't realise at the time, but the fucker didn't flush away, my wife kindly made me fully aware of the situation the following morning; regarding how she'd had to fight the bastard with a stick in order to get shot of it.

    For those who know me that was the same night I was eating cold ravioli, naked in my front garden on the patch.

    This is probably now why I have an occasional propensity for piles, at the grand old age of 34.............
     
  7. and now I have to get a new keyboard as I have spat my tea over it with laughter
     
  8. Passed something that felt like a fucking cannon ball once, however with it's high density/velocity it dissapeared leaving ought but a skid marked pan and therefore unable to verify wether it was indeed a "Frank Bruno's Leg!"
     
  9. That had tears in my eyes. My colleagues thought I was having some sort of fit.
     
  10. 9lb 12....he's 17 now!
     
  11. Last weekend I ate a whole jar of beetroot and thought I was hemorrhaging.
     
  12. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    It is always a moment of pride when you drop your guts and you just know it is a big one.

    Real pride has occurred on the rare occasions where the pile is so big it sticks up out of the water. It makes me want to put cocktail stick umbrellas in the top.
     
  13. You cannot beat toilet humour!
     
  14. Why do all the funniest threads involve the passing of unfeasibly large, unnaturally smelly or uncontrollably liquid stools. Never did ARRSE seem a more appropriate name.
     
  15. You're all talking shit.