Battlefield 3 Review

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  1. Battlefield 3 is exactly like every other first person shooter that has ever been made. Except for its:

    Teamwork emphasis
    Scale of multiplayer maps
    Graphics(If you install the 2GB update thingy)
    Sound design(although the theme music is basicly a terminator 2 percussion rip off).

    I think of it as achieving in many ways what “Operation Flashpoint Dragon Rising” was aiming for but in a much less buggy and broken way(although the title music was much better).

    The single player campaign is of less interest to me than the Olympics and so let me point out that my review does not cover the single player in any detail at all. And I would bum all of the Olympic women. And the paralympic women. And most of the women in Emmerdale. Mmmm bumming...

    You know you have spent a lot of time playing a game when your wife wants to have “a talk” and the main reasons I have played it so much are as follows:

    1. Teamwork is vital to Battlefield 3 in a way I have never come across before. I have been at the top of leader boards in games where I had the least kills of everyone. I am not saying that is the best way to play the game but it does demonstrate that playing the objective (like capturing flags or placing charges or defending areas or healing team mates or supplying ammo or taking out enemy vehicles or repairing your team vehicles or spotting enemy positions) can get you a lot more points than simply hiding at spawn waiting for a helicopter to appear before crashing it into a wall killing your support gunner(you know who you are bastard).

    2. The unlock system feels very well thought out. Battlefield 3 is one of those games that keeps you playing with the promise of better equipment and there is always a fairly decent looking carrot hanging over the edge of the players head and the idea of “playing one more game” is sure to have you glued to your tv for hours past bedtime on many occasions unless you sleep downstairs to avoid your wife in which case you don't have a bed time and you are your own man and well done to you.

    3. Skill factor. Battlefield 3 is one of the most difficult multiplayer games I have ever played. Thus making it all the more satisfying when things go right and your team wins. This is not a run and gunner. I have seen tactics employed that spin the head of your average COD playing 8 year old tea bagging trash talking cock face. The most common of these is suppresion. When under fire, the players screen blurrs as to give the impression that he(Battlefield is not for girls) is pinned down. This is genuinely disorientating and allows for the enemy team to conduct flanking manoeuvres. For this reason I insist that you buy battlefield 3 to play with friends, without them your experience will be severely hindered.

    4. My wife does my ******* head in and I wanted to avoid speaking to her.

    Like getting AIDS from bumming prostitutes there is always something to spoil a good time. The following is a list of things that made Battlefield a bit AIDsy:

    1. If you buy it second hand you will need to buy an online pass. EA are a bunch of pricks.

    2. Some of the changes made by the updates have spoilt my fun, the mortar could have been great and is now about as useful as a straight wedding planner.

    3. Some of the unlocks and weapon attachments are stupid and CODish. Who the hell wants to put a 1x scope on a sniper rifle?! Who wants a rear dot sight for it?! If you do, I suggest you stand by because I know where you live and I have an extremely sharp shoelace that I will pierce you with many times in the eyeballs before scrawling the words “I should have gone to Specksavers” across your stupid bowling ball face.

    All in all, Battlefield 3 is a bloody gem and if it were a female I would definatly bang it although that isn't saying too much as my wife is rats.