Battle of Trafalgar updated to comply with PCness

Updated to comply with political correctness for 2005 it goes like this...

Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men for battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay. Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy: 'Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny.'

Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest: it's the rules.'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

Hardy: 'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'

Hardy: 'I believe it is encouraged, sir.'

Nelson: 'In that case...........kiss me, Hardy.'
Sorry mate,

But this is only the 5th or 6th thread to feature this since Littlejohn wrote it!

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