Bar Staff and Waitresses

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by RTFQ, Sep 8, 2005.

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  1. RTFQ


    I have a problem with the service industry in this country. My problem is that everyone in it, from the lowliest deep-fat fryer op to the most exalted CEO is a cnut, a wastrel and a b@stard.

    When I go to any other country, even Germany - home of the fascist approach to table service - the people who serve my food and drink have the decency to understand that they are TAKING my hard earned money and that I expect something in return. In Britain, ordering a meal or buying a drink is the social equivalent to bending over, letting every member of the restaurant staff angrily dry-bum me, then allowing them in turn to pull my head back by my hair and spit in my mouth before I willingly place my cash-fat wallet on the table and walk out with a cheery "Thankyou" while the head chef gives me the bird.

    No where is this more obvious than a trendy, expensive bar.

    The Bible has something to say about employing attractive girls as bar staff. In Isiah 12:11, Jerebiah, son of Moab opens a titty bar just off Judea Road in Bethlehem. He employs 3 women behind the bar: Daliah, Helen and Methuzalah - each having been recommended by his mate Job who runs the working mens' club down the road. He's very happy because the talents come rolling in every weekend and the beer flows like blood at a backstreet circumcision practice. God comes to him in the form of a Chilli Chicken Kebab and says, verily: "You have a problem with the bar staff my son" Jerebiah replies: "No LORD, how can that be? Surely you are talking out of your bunghole!" The LORD our GOD says "Naysay me again sunshine and I'll f.ucking smite you so hard..." So the lord shows him what he means.

    Daliah is fair of face and has chebs that sit up and beg for a slap. All the punters drool at her and she is responsible for at least 3 extra rounds of tequila per night as some group of muppets get them in to show her what hard drinkers and hilarious wags they are. Unfortunately she can't work the new tills that Jerebiah had installed recently and everytiome she pulls a pint she provides more head than a BW wives' club when the lads are away and yet she STILL manages to spill more beer than a subbie on his first trip to Spearmint Rhino. As Jerebiah watches her work her part of the bar, he notices that none of the women stood there are being served and that she'll get so far down along before returning to the big black guy by the till who hasn't paid for a drink the entire night. People are moving away from her part of the bar and instead going to the part serviced by:

    Helen, who is 18 going on 16 and attractive in a "I take it in the Gary" sort of way. She has a Billericay Facelift (hair tied back so hard that she looks like a poodle with an electric toothbrush up it), but doesn't smile and seems angry that she has to work for a living. She was convinced that her NVQ in media Studies would get her a job as a Big Brother producer and she hates serving beer when she should be out with the girls. She can't be arrsed working the line of the bar properly so just pouts, shifts her weight onto one foot and asks "who's next" to the dozens of thirsty people before serving the nearest one to her anyway. She can work the till at least, but is a thieving cow who likes the idea of redistributing profits in her own direction. She'll leave after two weeks because Jerebiah won't promote her to bar manager.

    Lastly the LORD shows him Methuzalah. HE freely admits that HE was having a bad day when he made her and had used her face to clean the inside of HIS oven before sticking it to her portly frame. She's beavering away at her end of the bar and keeps the punters' pints full even though she has to keep helping the other girls out and keeps cleaning their smashed glasses after them. She even takes time to kave the odd joke with a customer. Her end of the bar is crammed with squaddies and hardened drinkers who like to drink rather than be ignored by stuck-up bints with work-ethic issues. She's paying her way through uni and is grateful for the job.

    "See what I mean?" Says the LORD.
    "Certainly do" says Jerebiah before sacking Methuzalah for being a minger.

    Am I the only one fed up with seeing moody little girls behind the bar or taking my order (erroneously) at restaurants with a cheery "Whadyawant?"
  2. No youre not the only one! the Wetherspoon chain seen to employ the biggest bunch of minging, moody wastrels. Not only do the cnuts completley ignore you whilst tying to get served, they also have no ability in being able to pour a pint correctly.
  3. RTFQ


    Oooh ooohhh oooohhh! I forgot - waitresses who think you are coming on to them because you're trying to make eye contact with them! I WANT TO ORDER SOME MORE DRINKS WITHOUT HAVING TO SHOUT ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE A PLEB YOU FECKLESS OXYGEN THIEF!!!
  4. Oh...... and all the fake Irish bar staff who all claim they are from across the water but then the accent seem to slip into fecking Cornish!
  5. The ones that work in Wetherspoons are great compared to the ones that they have rejected and have eventually found work at the local Pizza Hut, i think these are the worse staff that i have ever come across who don't give a flying fcuk for customer service and still expect a tip.

    Oh and the last one i had the misfortune to go in was minging.

    I have now taken the hint, they don't want my custom, so fcuk them.
  6. RTFQ - You didnt base your story on a certain experience in the Punch & Judy did you????? :)
  7. RTFQ


    No, years of experience, although that one does stand out - I think it was your fault they wouldn't serve us, you did look like a vagrant.
  8. I reckon it was the fur coat and no trollies outfit that put them off Moody. They werent quite sure where the coat ended and you started

  9. Fur coat? Moody? you do know she's from the shot dont you Oz? the only animal skin you'll see an Aldershot bird wearing, is a donkey jacket.
  10. Are you sure - I thought it was the sight of you and RTFQ saluting yourselves in the mirror while doing the old knees to the chest that put them off.

    I made that fur coat out of the pubes I collected off 3 para mortars, so don't knock it - its pure class! ;)
  11. in my local we've got 2 distinct types of girl behind the bar

    fat and stupid

    and fat and ugly.

    they've both got "charlie" f*cking attitudes ... in fact i'd go as far as to say "crack" attitudes and treat every pint they pour you like they're doing you a personal favour and you owe them one.

    they did employ a relatively decent looking bird for a short period of time.

    she got broken.
  12. you could of snipped some of the bum conkers off the hem ... it looks like a cheap sombrero and smells of beef and onion monster munch.
  13. RTFQ


    To counter this apathy in late-teen English dullettes, we've started importing Eastern Europeans in their place. This is not something I want to discourage as, frankly, many eastern eurobints are stunning. Unfortunately this has its drawbacks. Firstly, when attempting to impress a doris with my grasp of italian or french when ordering gnocchi or galettes, I manage to get the accent right (despite the horrendous sensation in my mouth caused by the exothermic reaction of my "Breathbuster" mint spray and the red wine on my tongue) but despite my linguistic gymnastics, the platinum haired beauty looks back at me, doe-eyed in confusion: "Is what please?"

    Thus my smooth, bond-like "tagliatelle e salmone alla arrabiata con bruiscetta e con insalata per favore, meraviglioso" becomes an undignified "that one" and I look like a c.ock for being pretentious.
  14. When the bill comes deduct the service charge from the total for sh1t waitress admin.
  15. msr

    msr LE


    Perhaps you should just stick to trying to impress small Irish waitresses with big waffers.