Bar joke

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by General_Layabout, May 2, 2013.

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  1. Julius Ceasar walks into a bar, "A Martinus please," he said, the barman replied, "Do you mean a Martini?" Ceasar said, "If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one."
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  2. I just love stupid short jokes and this is one of them.

    A few of my favourites:

    A Geordie walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and says to the barman, "A pint for me, mucker, and a single malt for Tiny". "Why who's Tiny like?" asks the bemused barman. "Why it's me mucker here". "Why do yers call him Tiny?" "Why it's obvious like; 'cause he's my newt."

    Two atoms are sitting in a bar and one is looking miserable. His mate asks, "What's the matter with you then?" "Ah," he replies, "I lost one of my outer valency electrons." "Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm positive!"

    A lad is shagging his sister and says to her, "You're a better shag than mum!" "I know," replies the girl breathlessly, "Dad told me!"

    Coat, taxi, Lucy Lawless' tits.
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  3. Elitist of me, I know, but I feel a great deal of smug satisfaction that I know why they're funny as soon as I read them.

    "Yeah, but he says I'm a lot better than either of you."
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  4. An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Negro, a Genie, a Prostitute, two dogs, the Lone Ranger, Tonto, a chicken, and Little Johnny walk into a bar.

    "What the fuck is this?" says the barman, "Some kind of joke?"
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  5. A Bear walks into Bernies' Beer Bourbon and Beefsteak Bar, walks up to the bar and says casually, "I'll have a beer thanks mate."

    The barman looks up from polishing a glass and says, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in Bernies' Beer Bourbon and Beefsteak Bar."

    The bear can't believe what he's hearing, and being thirsty tries again, "Look mate, I've had a hard day hunting fish and eating berries and I'm thirsty, can't I please just have one beer?"

    The barman still polishing the glass says again, "Listen bear, I've already told you once so I'll tell you twice, we don't serve bears beer in Bernies' Beer Bourbon and Beefsteak Bar, now hop it!"

    Now the bear is angry and frustrated! He swipes a great chunk of timber out of the bar, gives a big bear roar and eats the chunk of bar! Then says angrily, "I want a beer!"

    Unmoved by any of this the barman replies, "Listen bear, for the last time, we don't serve bears beer in Bernies' Beer Bourbon and Beefsteak Bar, and no way do we serve bears on drugs!"

    "What do you mean on drugs?" says the shocked bear.

    "Come on", says the barman, "I just saw that bar-bit-u-ate!"
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  6. Not without the fucking horse it isn't.
  7. Feel free to add whatever takes your fancy.
  8. A bloke walks into a bar and in a squeaky chipmunk voice says, "Barman, gimme a beer."

    The barman looks up from wiping down the bar, and is shocked to see this six foot three bloke standing at the bar with a head the size of a tennis ball perched between his broad shoulders.

    He pulls him a beer, drops it in front of him and says, "Jeez mate, what the hell's the story with your baked bread?"

    The bloke takes a long swig of his brew, then tells the barman the story.

    "Well you see mate, it's like this." He says with that high pitched voice. "I was on a fishing boat trip with a few friends when a huge storm blew in from nowhere and sunk our boat." (He takes another swig and continues.)

    "When I came too I found myself washed up on the beach of a beautiful island. Luckily for me there was fresh water and fruit aplenty, even wild pig to hunt. Around two weeks later, I was walking along the beach when I noticed something shiny barely poking out of the sand. I scratched around it, and lo and behold it was a golden oil lamp, just like the Genie ones in the fairy-tale books." (Takes another drink)

    Now intrigued with this unusual stranger, the barman urges him on.

    "Well, I hung onto that lamp for another week, I'm not the type to believe in anything as fanciful as Genies you know, but eventually I thought nothing ventured, nothing gained, and gave the thing a rub." (another swallow)

    "Go on, go on!" he transfixed barman says.

    "You wouldn't believe it mate, out smoked the most gorgeous Genie I'd ever seen! Made that blonde one on tele look like a total horror! Well, it was the usual spiel, gave me the three wishes." (More beer)

    "For my first wish, I asked to be back home again. POOF, and it was granted!"

    "For my second wish, I asked for untold wealth. POOF, granted!"

    "For my third wish, I thought the Genie was such a glamour........... I asked her for a little head.........POOF!"
  9. A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room.

    There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

    So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
  10. Punchlines:-

    'kin 12 inch pianist - how was I to know she was deaf ...


    'kin million ducks - (as above)
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  11. A dog walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a dog.'

    'I see your eyes are working,' replies the dog.

    'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

    'I see your ears are working, too,' says the dog.

    'Now if you don't mind, can I have my pint and my sandwich please?'

    'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the dog's pint. 'It's just we don't get many dogs in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

    'I'm working just across the road,' explains the dog.

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the dog and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the dog pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the dog reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this dog that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

    'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

    So the next day when the dog comes into the pub the barman says, Hey Mr. Dog, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

    'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the dog. 'Where is it?'

    'At the circus,' says the barman.

    'The circus?' repeats the dog.

    'That's right,' replies the barman.

    'The circus?' the dog asks again. 'With the big tent?'

    'Yeah,' the barman replies.

    'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the dog.

    'Of course,' the barman replies.

    'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the dog.

    'That's right!' says the barman, exasperated.

    The dog shakes his head in amazement, and says


    'Well what the fuck would a circus want with a plasterer then??!'
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  12. A bloke in a bar drinking all afternoon suddenly stands up and yells out "All lawyers are arseholes!"

    Another bloke at the end of the bar stands up and replies "Hey, I object to that remark!"

    "Why, are you a lawyer?"

    "No, I'm an arsehole!"
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  13. Skeleton walks into a bar and says,a pint of lager and a mop please.
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  14. A bloke walks in to a bar, orders a drink, and then hears piano start playing. He's sitting there, thinking - 'Hey, this is good', so he turns around to see who's playing and is amazed to see a cat sitting on the stool playing.

    He said the ot the barman - 'Is that cat really playing the piano'?

    "Oh yes", said the barman, "he plays here every night. He writes his own music, too".

    "Good god", said the punter. "Have you thought about having it orchestrated"?

    Hearing that the cat screamed, shot out of the front door, and they haven't seen it since.
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  15. Bloke sitting at the bar, having a quiet pint all on his lonesome, when he hears a voice;

    "Nice tie."

    Looking around, he's puzzled to find that there's nobody there.

    "Nice shoes, too."

    Completely befuddled, he waits for the barman to come back and tells him about the mystery voices.

    "That'll be the peanuts," says the barman, "they're complementary."
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