Banging head against a brick wall

Discussion in 'REME' started by oldagecrafty, Feb 18, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Why is it that drivers feel the need to totally switch off when they find a "fault" with a vehicle.

    I would love to hear the best you have heard.

    Mine has to be.

    Pte: Look mate this doors fooked it wont open.
    Cfn: Ok lets have a look then.

    Upon inspection of said fault.

    Cfn: You ballbag its locked???

    True story 8O
     
  2. On Job Card at 4ADTR, Repair HINIL leaver,

    VM- What the F**K is a HINIL Leaver
    Trog- it's the bit in the middle near the gear stick.
    VM- Show me. You dozy Trog B**tard, thats the High Low Leaver

    H
    !
    N
    !
    L
     
  3. Its not a fault but come on!!

    Job card (those were the days, AF 1084) - Young crafty, monday morning

    Ser 1: Remove nut from behind steering wheel - 0.5 hrs - A Crafty Job taken to rock hard full screw - Out inspection failed, nut still there! get in the book.

    Still didn't stop em though did it!

    Oh and while i'm at it, pumping the cab up on an 8 tonne TM and telling the trog to stop the cab smashing onto the floor just as it goes over the center, arms outstretched, holding the cab up, veins a pumpin while he does his best impersonation of Geoff Capes on worlds strongest man. Classic!
     
  4. BATUS Winter Repair Program Light A line- driver from unnamed cav Regt to yours truely.

    Driver - Tiff the new final drives keep leaking ever time i fill them up!!!!!!!

    Me - Have you checked that the oil is actually going in through the filler plug?

    Driver - Yeh(looked at me like i was stupid).

    Me - OK let have a look then. (When i take a gander at the offending final drives i notice that the drain/level plugs are not fitted).

    Me - You are a driver on one of these things aren't you?

    Driver - Yeh have been driving them for years.

    Me - you have to fit the fookin drain/level plugs before you try to fill them up you doughnut!!!!

    Driver - But it only leaks from one side when i ram the filler pipe in the open hole.

    This really happened.
     
  5. b/ford TM driver comes over to tell me his handbrake doesn't work when applied, turns out the dozy idiots have used some cardboard to hold of the 'emergency brake release'

    morons. I hate them.
     
  6. Falklands, MPA winter tour.
    Crab Tornado flight crew held up all air traffic from landing in MPA as their LR 90 had "lost its drive" in middle of said tarmac.
    Imagine my suprise to find (after being called out on a friday night of all times) that the previously mentioned HiNiL lever was in N.
    Dicks!
    Were they bothered? Were they Fick, I even got a snide remark for interupting their card game. I left the Crab rover where I found it.
    Sure enough next day i was presented with a slab of Australias finest yella stuff.
    They dont like it up em!
     
  7. Fault report about a grey fleet car in NI

    Fault: Steering Wheel "wobbles" when doing 95+

    Monday Morning, said dvr was in with the MTO for interview with no biscuits.
     
  8. Challenger 2. OB Sqn Ldrs Tank On Salisbury Plain.....

    Called out to said tank as "it would not start"

    Arrived to said tank in CRARRV to find it on a fairly boggy track gun over the side and front engine deck lifted.

    Drove up to rear of tank, out of commanders hatch onto blade and straight onto back decks.

    "Ah Cpl ASS, how are you?" says Sqn Ldr.

    "not bad Sir, how are you?"

    "fine, but my baby wont start, can you fix her?"

    "not a problem, ill have a gander sir"

    "Tpr Fcukwit, is it turning over when u press the t1t??"

    "its turning over, but im just getting bags of black smoke and it wont actually fire"

    "ok no problem"

    i hop over the turret and drop down into the drivers hatch, i notice the tillers are not centalised and one is in full tilt.

    Centalise tillers, GUE (sorry APU) on, charging, ME on, Crank, fires up straight away.

    "What was the problem Cpl ASS??"

    "you have a fcukwit for a driver sir"

    said driver was not the flavour of the month with the Sqn Ldr! funnily enough, the engine will not fire when its also trying to turn the tank in a neutral turn :roll:
     
  9. Percy_Pigeon

    Percy_Pigeon War Hero Book Reviewer

    Being a stacker I wince at our belief that we can fix things, I am as guilty as the rest.
    A little bit of usage can corrupt.

    A RLC SSgt was for ever sticking is nose into what the VM were doing, passed his opinion to all that weren’t interested. The VM then entered into the spirit of the occasion and stated that the flux capacitor had gone.

    The SSgt nodded sagely and said ‘them flux capacitors are always going on BV’s.

    Needless to say he never lived it down.
     
  10. The Warrior Captain called us to his Call Sign in the middle of an advance to contact range. The whole Company had stopped for us to go and repair his 30mm.

    He was well flapping by the time we had got there,

    Capt: My 30mm has a hang fire, pushed the foot firing pedal and nothing has happened. We've waited 10 mins but the tower are at me to get going.

    Armr: Have you unloaded Sir?

    Capt:No not touched it in case it went off while my hand was in there.

    Armr a bit cautious as I didn't want to wear a HE round in my face, peers in.

    Armr: Sir for the 30mm to fire you have to load it with ammuntion, its empty.

    Capt: Oh thats right I haven't loaded it, please don't tell anyone.

    Armr: cetainly not Sir.

    The enitre Bn knew about it by the time he had finished shooting.
     
  11. When with a certain motto wearing Cav Regt in the mid 90's i was attached to another Sqn to fill a gap on firing camp.

    Received a call in the tower that the Sqn 2IC's tank had no gun kit. Sent one of the ece's to the tank to take a look. 5 minutes later the tank is in action and firing away.
    The ece then appears in the tower having a right giggle to himself. Apparently the 2IC had inadvertantly switched on the BV instead of one of the gun kit switches located near the said BV one. The turret was full of steam where the BV had been happily boiling away for some time while the crew tried to sort out the problem on there own.

    Same firing camp, the OC's gunner came to me telling me that he had a projectile stuck in the barrel. He had left a proj in the breech for a road move and then treid to remove it on the next range. He had tried to push it back to the breech using the cleaning staves. Unfortunately he had used the old wooden staves and had managed to get the end stuck under the projectile. He had had to use a hammer to free the proj, and that only made things worse as the proj and a broken stave were then stuck in the barrel. It took us hours to get the bloody proj out using some home made tools and a bit of luck
     
  12. Ah, brings back smiley memories!!

    BATUS 95, Fusilier BG if I remember and I was mincing on the 512 half way through a hot and mozzy bitten Med Man, thoroughly worn out due to Swank (the best Canadian grot ever!) when this huge Grunt full screw came up to me and said
    ' How man, (yep, Geordie) me interior lights divna work in me Warrior,- Ya ganna fix it or what?'

    Me, ' It's probably just the bulbs Geord'

    Geordie ' Wahay' you got any?'

    Me, Nah, just use you indicator bulbs, you don't need them at the mo - they are the same size as your crew light bulbs '

    Geordie ' I canna use them mate, they'll be flashing on and off all the time, I won't be able to give me orders'

    Me (Trying my fkin hardest to preserve my life) spouted gibberish and ran like huck!

    This Med Man also gave me the delight of watching a Warrior Dvr trying to stop his Warrior rolling down a hill (after his brakes had cooled and contracted) with his bare hands, sticky out arse and nine stone frame!! Priceless! :)
     
  13. Quality thread!!!

    With a Fusiller Bn in Bulford, 80's. Had the pleasure of a range week on Scimitars at Lulworth. On the FTX range, with all checks complete. The IG went on the first shoot. Report comes back " Gun not firing, send new recuperator" Said item sent. Gun still fails to fire. So IG finished detail and returns. With the curt words, "Sort it!" On looking inside, it was noted that the barrel hadn't been screwed in fully!!! lol. IGs, I siht 'em!!!
     
  14. In the days of Chieftain, I was called to a vehicle with minor problems - lights and windscreen wipers not working. This was an issue only because it was raining cats and dogs. I rocked up and started checking, quickly establishing that a couple of fuses were at fault. "Oh" said the gunner when I explained and asked for his fusebox (I had left my supply on the 434), "but I've already changed the fuses". So, I changed the fuses - from his supply - and nothing worked.

    With mounting suspicion, I returned to the 434, grabbed my AVO and checked the fuses in the crew's fusebox. Virtually all were blown, as were the bulbs. My enquiries established that the Comd - a hoary old Sgt of the old school - didn't like waste, and always squirreled away anything that might come in handy!

    I replenished their fusebox and advised them to discard blown fuses and bulbs, which were of no use whatsover to anyone else.

    I bet he kept old matches in his matchbox.....

    Litotes
     
  15. I remember being on Exercise with 2 RIrish in the 80s when one of the 432 Mk1s (the ones that SEME always said never existed outside of the classrooms!) received a new PPack from the kind people at FRG. Tiffy told the crew to fill it up and run it up and he would be back in a bit....Tiff walks towards said 432 a few mins later just in time to see a massive plume of oil bursting everywhere. Crew were asked how much oil they had put in to which the reply was "just like you told us to do tiff...we filled it up.....to the top!"
    FRG were not amused but luckily in those days you could just hide the spillage under a large pile of leaves.