Bacon, chicken and haggis rugby balls and potatoes

Right, this one is my particular favourite for when it comes to showing off to people in order to get what you want, or to to appear skillful in areas other than farting and profanity, or simply get into her knickers when you have ran out of rohypnol.

It's a bloody simple meal, looks great, tastes awesome- even I, a singlie drunk, can manage it.

Bacon rugby balls and potatoes

Stuff you need:
-2 large chicken breasts
-A lump of haggis
-2 packets of bacon
-4 large potatoes
-1 packet of peppercorn sauce mix
-Some salt and pepper
-1 block of chicken stock
-Some butter
-1 roll f tin foil
-1 oven
-1 big knife
-3 bottles of white wine

Righto, here we go...

We will deal with the potatoes first, as they come out best on a nice slow boil.
Peel them, cut them each in halfs, then all those bits into quarters.
Throw all that into a pan, then fill it with boiling water, from the kettle. Drop in about a 2 teaspoons worth of salt and pepper, and cut a bit of butter about the size of a matchbox and drop that into the pot too. Give it all a good stir, mixing it all up, and then add the lump of chicken stock, too. You then need to cover it- put that little bugger on a low heat, and pop the lid on the pan- leave it alone to simmer, now.

Now, we prepare the peppercorn mix. I do this now, just so its done- you can do it later on, but I don't. I'm writing this out, so I'll decide. Do whatever the packet says you should do to the stuff, usually mix it with milk or something, then just leave it be- dispose of the packet now, as if you can't see it, its not there, right? Makes people think you made it yourself. Nothing wrong with being a chef walt if it impresses women.
Leave all that mixture be for now, dont put it on the cooker just yet- it only takes a couple of minutes to do, so you don't want to destroy it.

Time to deal with the chicken. Take the breast fillets from the packet, and give them a good wash under the hot tap, being sure to take all the sliminess off them. This is where the white wine comes in. Lay the chicken breast on a hard surface and batter fcuk out of it with one of the bottles, ensuring you dont smash the bottle- broken glass never goes well down the throat, regardless what 45 commando glass eating team will tell you.
Once you are satisfied, you can now open the bottle and crack on- you wont need that again, and its a good excuse for a drink.
Take your sharp knife, and slice the chicken along the flat, so its like a pitta bread from the local kebab shop. Dont slice it completely in half, its a bugger to finish if you do. Now that you have a pouch, you can stuff it. Time for the haggis.

If you got a tin of haggis, good drills- move to the next step. If you are being a little cocky and got your haggis from a butchers, listen in. Take a new clean knife (not the one you used on the chicken) and cut 2 slices from the haggis- one for each chicken bit, about an inch wide each. Peel off all the plastic looking shite from around it, and drop it in a little bowl. Chuck that in the microwave for about 20 seconds, and it will have broken up nicely, easier to handle it.

Take this haggis, and stuff it into the sliced chicken breast pouch you made. Don't be timid doing this, the more you can get in the better, but try your best to be able to close the whole pouch thing back up, keeps flavour in it. Or something.

Now that you have your stuffed chicken breasts, wrap that all up in the bacon, so that it covers it all up. it should look like a kind of bacon rugby ball if done right.

Once this is squared away, take another swig of wine, and wrap these bacon rugby balls in the tin foil, all nice and tight. Put this into the oven now, on the top shelf at about 100- 150 degrees, for between 20 and 30 minutes.

Have a check on the potatos now, they should be getting soft- so long as they arent bubbling over, you will be OK to leave them.

Finish the wine, break open a new bottle if need be. Come back in half an hour.

Back? Good. Get your plates out ready now. Take the pot with the potatoes, and pour the lot into a seive over the sink, to drain all the water away. Give the tatties a good shake then put them back in the pot for now. You can turn on the heat for the sauce mix now, too- its safe.

Take the tin foil rugby balls from the oven, and unwrap them- take the bacon rugby balls fom them and place them on the plates. Take the tatties again, and share them evenly between the plates.

Your sauce should be done now, mate. Take the little pan its in, and carefully pour a bit over each of the bacon rugby balls, but don't drown the things! Imagine you are Gordon Ramsay, and do it like you think he would. Put a little puddle of the sauce next to the potatoes too, if you like, and a tiny bit around them- drizzling, I think its called. Once again, think Gordon Ramsay.

Finished that other bottle of wine? Good, now its time for the fresh one. Pour two glasses of this chilled loopy juice, and give one to the chick.
Drink the other, then top it up when she isn't looking. Serve the food, enjoy the meal, lap up the praise, and make sure you lock the door. If you cook this for a bird it's pretty much a dead cert you'll be hips deep in her within the hour.

Providing you haven't given her food poisoning of course.

Unlucky_Alf said:
This reminds me of a cracking phone call to a radio station by a girl on the issue of rubbish first dates the essence of which was thus:

The girl had been told get dressed up for the date as the bloke was taking her to a restraunt. The bloke picked her up and took her to McDonalds and asked what she'd like. "A Big Mac meal" says she (well she was there in her posh frock after all). The bloke couldn't believe it and started rummaging for some more change saying "Oh, you want a drink as well as a burger?"

Cue much laughing by the host of the radio show, Danny Baker I think, who then said "I bet you didn't see him again".

With no irony the girl replied "Oh yes we've been married for a while now".

Jesus, you are forgetting this is a time old method of getting rid of bunny boilers/psycho hose beasts what ever you wanna call em............

"Can I take you out for a lovely meal on Saturday?"

"Oh yeah MP where you going to take me sexy?"

"Well........... I know you like the finer things in life and of course deserve them......"

"Oh babe thanks, you're so thoughtful "

"I know, I thought of The Golden Arches, you heard of it?"

"No babe sounds fantastic, where is it?"

"For you my love, its a surprise, nothing is too much xxx"

" You Baastard thats what you meant by the golden arches! SLAAAAP"

Job done, exit stage left lol
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