Aviation Humo(u)r from Uinited Parcel Service

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by jumpinjarhead, Jul 12, 2010.

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  1. [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]After every flight, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UPS pilots[/FONT][FONT=&quot] fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]

    By the way,[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]UPS is[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Something tightened in cockpit.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Live bugs on back-order.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Evidence removed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: DME volume set to more believable level.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: That's what friction locks are for.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Suspect you're right.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Target radar hums.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Cat installed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]S: Took hammer away from the midget.[/FONT]
     
  2. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    Slightly off topic but similer was once told this one
    RAF Cpl helping strap Navigator ito back of Tornado

    Navigator "Just think Cpl if you'd stayed on at school you could be sat here doing this job"
    Cpl "Just think sir if you had better hand eye co ordination you could be in the front driving instead of back here with the maps and biscuits"
     
  3. Excellent. ;-)
     
  4. Was about to say the same thing, it gets rolled out every few years but with a different airline!

    Still good though!
     
  5. Sorry-I just pass them on. Erm...what's a Quantas? ;-)
     
  6. A very large, aggressive, carnivorous and venomous snake which is prone to rabies and crawling into aircraft to breed.
     
  7. Sorry, a QANTAS is a large, very aggressive, carnivorous, venomous and camoflaged relative of the Koala that loves Americans with a side order of Poms and a light Canadian. No known photos exist of the Qantas, however, a camera belonging to a missing British explorer was recently discovered in the dropping of a QANTAS
     
  8. Hey what a great idea for a film.........Snakes on a Plane? What do you think?
     
  9. I thought Quantas was the Aussie nickname for Drop Bears ?
     
  10. Is Sam 'MOTHERFUCKER' Jackson busy?
     
  11. I just realised none of you know what QUANTAS means so uncle Trop will tell you

    The Queensland and Northern Territorys air Service
     
  12. WAH! (well someone had to)
     
  13. Do you mean "The Queensland and Northern Territories Air Service" ?
     
  14. Tropper founded it!
     
  15. Tropper founded it on google.