Avant garde wanking

I moved back to my mums house for a bit whilst I bought a house. One day I sneezed whilst on the crapper but didnt think anything came out. Walked out and an hour later she was full on accusing me of spaffing on her carpet thing that surrounded the toilet and made me clean it up.

I borrowed a pair of her silk knickers in case I sneezed again.
Any pics of your mum?
A mate of mine on a night out pulled a gopping slag, the lazy cow fell asleep whist he was boffing her so he sprayed his manfat all over her face and left the building for the long walk home but not before shitting in her kettle.

And thumped me the next day when I pointed out that he must be bad if a hippo like that fell asleep on him.
Hello chaps!

I was down the pub with my mate the other day and he told me a tale. He was in bed with his missus in the wee hours and he ended up getting the right horn. Unfortunately the missus was fast asleep so he couldn't wake her, nor have a crafty shufti for fear of being caught. In the end he was forced to contain himself a bit longer before getting up super early for a shower and then spray his manfat all up the shower wall.

Our hero was enjoying himself so much that he soon lost track of time and had to give himself a quick wash before rushing off to work.

Imagine his surprise to find that, during a particularly dull meeting, he leans back and stretches his arms to rub the back of his head only to find a patch of dry, crusty residue stuck to his hair.

Whilst pondering on what this strange substance could be his mind wanders back to the morning hand-shank and the slow realisation dawns on him that he accidentally washed his spooge into his hair.

He spent the rest of the meeting with his hands awkwardly trying to cover the back of his head from his colleagues, least they discover his new style of cumditioner, before subtly sliding off to the gents and trying to wash it out.

So, has it ever happened to you? Where are some weird places that you've shot your load and then tried to explain away when caught? Did the old "I spilt some coconut juice" a la Clinton do the trick?

My ahem, friend, can't be the only one.

Better wanking into your sheets, even if it pisses off the missus.

People urge woman to ditch her husband for doing this ‘gross’ thing

She wrote: “One thing that really gets to me is his w*****g practices.

“I'm old enough and have had enough experience of men to know it's normal, but he thinks it's ok to w**k into the bedsheets when I'm out.

“I came back and noticed a "pungent" smell, sat down on the bed and realised my hand was on a damp patch.

“After he kept doing it, I said something. He got really ratty and said it was impossible I could know and started accusing me of sniffing the bedsheets - that is gross!!!

“The smell hangs in the air in a room which hasn't been ventilated, I definitely wasn't imagining it!”

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