Australians

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Poppy, Nov 29, 2004.

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  1. The Australian Prime Minister flies to England for a meeting with the
    > Queen. Over a cup of tea, the PM brings up his grand new plan for his
    > country. 'Your Majesty, mate,' he begins. 'Can we turn Australia into a
    > kingdom, in order to increase our role in the global economy?' The
    > Queen
    > shakes her head and replies, 'One needs a king for a kingdom, and
    > unfortunately you are most certainly not a king.' Not to be dissuaded,
    > the politician asks, 'Would it be possible to transform Australia into
    > an empire, then?' 'No,' replies the Queen. 'For an empire you need an
    > emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor.' The PM thinks for
    > a
    > moment and then asks if it's possible to turn Australia into a
    > principality. The Queen replies, 'For a principality, you need a prince
    > - and you are not a prince.' Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty
    > then adds: 'I don't mean to appear rude, but having met both you and
    > several other Australians, I think Australia is perfectly suited as a
    > country.'

    :lol: :lol:
     
  2. Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to jump off..What are you doing girl he cries... "well" she says .."you got me pregnant and I`m going to kill myself"....."Jeez" says Bruce.." not are you a great shag..you`re also a good sport" ! and drove off.
     
  3. Tired of being isolated and ignored, Australia decides to move

    News Flash!
    Australia gets drunk, wakes up in North Atlantic

    After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

    "Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

    According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

    "It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Michael Ewen. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says



    Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

    "Well, it made sense at the time," Ewen added.

    By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-aways in its wake.

    When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

    "We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Arron Gunthorpe. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can ignore us."


    Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

    Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

    "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said the Spanish President Juan Carlos. "They were very friendly, they always seem friendly but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible! Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"


    "Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," President Carlos added.

    By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

    Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy.



    In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:

    Immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization,

    A permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states,

    A worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan,

    A primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football,

    U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Latest News
    New Zealand becomes the major power in the South Pacific with Samoa


    New Zealand awoke this morning to find itself as the lone superpower in the South Pacific, after Australia moved north during the night.



    "About Bloody time too" stated the Prime Minister Helen Clarke. "we have had just about enough of the whiners and were considering allowing Ngai Tahu to invade them and claim Queensland.



    Look out Northern Hemisphere, you don't know what you are in for. They steal your entertainers, claim anyone who even visit them as their own, and inflict their sports teams on them. We will be better off working with Samoa"



    Popular opinion is that New Zealand moves to occupy Australia's place as the weather is better.



    No report has come from Tasmania. It is believed that Australia left quietly so Tasmanians wouldn't notice and want to follow. It appears the ruse has worked. New Zealand has offered to adopt Tasmania as West New Zealand.




    Oldies but Goodies :twisted:
     
  4. Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
     
  5. sorry jokes went on so long i fell asleep
     
  6. What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?


    Pull the pin and throw it back.
     
  7. More :roll:

    Why doesn't Tasmania float away?
    Because Victoria Sucks!!

    What's the difference between Adelaide and the crisper tray
    in my fridge?
    My crisper tray has a night life.

    Mike Atherton goes to meet Ray Illingworth off the plane
    at Perth.
    "Blimey," says Ray, "These flies are thick!"
    "Course they are boss," retorts Mike, "They're Australian!"

    A notice in an Australian police station:
    'Help the Police --- Beat yourself up.'

    When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
    When it catches more criminals than it employs.

    An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd
    seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to
    see the real Australia.
    So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.
    There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and
    the wind was blowing dust everywhere.
    He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and
    cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that
    buzzed around him.
    The pub's only customer a bloke in a blue singlet greeted him
    with a G'day."
    The American ordered a beer.
    "Yank eh?" quizzed the aussie.
    "Sure am buddy" the Yank replied.
    "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.
    "It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied.
    There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.
    Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

    It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total b a stard".
    By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a b a stard".
     
  8. Whats the difference between Australia and and a pot of Yogurt??

    Theres more culture in a pot of Yogurt!
     
  9. Time we Aussies sent back your First Fleet, but the fishing boats form Vietnam keep sinking :twisted: :twisted:
     
  10. Browny, Id keep me heed down if I were you. From the country that gave us 'Neigbours and Home and Away'. Tops, totally tops.
     
  11. PMSL love the "oz wakes up in north atlantic" :lol: browny mate lighten up ffs if u aint got a sense o' humour move to bunbury eh?


    What's the definition of a tasmanian virgin? Someone who can outrun her brothers.


    The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke sh@gging like crazy. “What’s your name?”
    “My name is Ting”
    In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. “And what’s your name?”
    “My name is Ting”
    “Oh yeah”, said the sergeant suspiciously. “How come we’ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?”
    “He is Ru Ting. I am Wai Ting”.


    After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."


    During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."