Australian Love Poem

#1
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
 
#3
Australia is a bonzer place
Full of bonzer blokes
Sheilahs, beer and no-ones queer
Except in pommie jokes

Australians like dressing up
in skirts and having fun,
and that's what we were doing
when the Vice Squad came along
- Monty Python
 
#5
No verse/s about everything that walks/crawls and/or swims can kill you.
I did find this:

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Taipan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed

Your life's constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Big shark just waiting for you to go swimming
At Bondi Beach

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed
 
#13
Ahhh ... good to see the drop bears get mention.

On joint exercises we would wind up the Yanks about drop bears. Even in the near desert with few trees they were petrified about the possibility.

Once did a DISTEX (disaster exercise) at the Jervis Bay Range Facility, with a Kiwi team from a visiting frigate, they were petrified about snakes, there are no snakes in NZ. One of the DS threw a rubber snake at working crew, near crapped themselves.

Smith
 
#15
Ahhh ... good to see the drop bears get mention.

On joint exercises we would wind up the Yanks about drop bears. Even in the near desert with few trees they were petrified about the possibility.

Once did a DISTEX (disaster exercise) at the Jervis Bay Range Facility, with a Kiwi team from a visiting frigate, they were petrified about snakes, there are no snakes in NZ. One of the DS threw a rubber snake at working crew, near crapped themselves.

Smith
Vicious little buggers



Always wear the corrective clothing



Tourists properly dressed for a walk in the Outback
 

phil245

LE
Book Reviewer
#17
Funny Questions About Tourism in Australia

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA).

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British Politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden).

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA).

A: Face South and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

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Q: Will I be able to see Kangaroos in the street? (USA).

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden).

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK).

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France).

A: No, WE don't stink.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France).

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA).

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA).

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy).

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA).

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA.

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA).

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA).

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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#19
Poem (of sorts)

Swan lager, Swan lager.
You killer my old man,
Swan lager,
Kill me if you can.


Seen on a shit house door, Butterworth NAAFI.


CFB
Saw this one in a pub shitter many years ago and have never forgotten it......

Tread quietly as you enter,

Do not slam the door,

For many a hand-tossed baby,

Lay sleeping on the floor!
 

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