Australian humour

These have come fresh from Australia. A little less subtle than some from the Northern hemisphere!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoes pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'.

A woman buys a wall mirror from K-Mart. The Manager says 'Would you like a screw for that mirror?'. She said 'No, but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.

Top tip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ....... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'Finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?’. Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!!' Murphy says 'Four!'

One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK, but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

Snow, eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself 'She'll be f*cking lucky with a face like that!'
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