Aussies: A helpful bunch


War Hero
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian
Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies just trying to help:

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then we just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

5. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

6. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

7. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

8. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

9. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.

10. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?

12. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Work collegues think I'm mad laughing from behind my monitor.
Just what I needed to cheer me up!!!


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Have you a link to the website? Sounds like it might be fun contributing. Start a competition to see who can send the most bone question.

(Or perhaps I have just done so :oops: )


War Hero
X-Inf said:
Have you a link to the website?
Unfortunately not - I got it as an email so cannot link back to the source. :(
Unknown_Quantity said:
6. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Hmmm, I always thought there were 360 degree's in a circle :wink:

Good responses though. Give us the link!!! Please
When I was on the Volunteer Marine Rescue boats on Bribie Island (Queensland), we used to get asked by the Mexicans (people from south of the border) if the water was safe and were there any crocodiles in the waters around the place, our standard reply was "No mate, no croc's around here" then wait till they were nearly out of ear-shot and add "Bloody sharks ate them all". :roll:

Got them every time. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Is it too early to wreak havoc?


Book Reviewer
I will hear no cross words against Aussies at the moment - their version of the CSE show is on today, and they've brought over this young lady:

Better looking than Jim Davidson, you'll agree. Apparently there is of course the usual collection of has-been comedians, novelty acts and a Big Band (?), so we will see.


Book Reviewer
Update on my last (not that anyone sensible is on ARRSE at this particular time - but the Aussie Show was excellent. They had the usual selection, singers, comedian, band, etc., buth this lot were all rather good - no duff acts, which makes a change from the usual :)

They did very well considering they were performing out of doors, scantily clad (Yeah!) and it's Zero Degrees C here. Not too cold for us, but for Aussies fresh from their midsummer, they must be frozen solid.

Well done the 'Strines!
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