Aussies: A helpful bunch

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Unknown_Quantity, Feb 18, 2005.

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  1. Unknown_Quantity

    Unknown_Quantity War Hero Moderator

    These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian
    Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies just trying to help:

    1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then we just sit around watching them die.

    2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

    4. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

    5. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday

    night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    6. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    7. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    8. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    9. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.

    10. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?

    12. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

    14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

    15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
  2. Brilliant.
    Work collegues think I'm mad laughing from behind my monitor.
    Just what I needed to cheer me up!!!
  3. Outstanding, i laughed so hard.

  4. forwarded to colleagues in Belgrade & Banja Luka.

    Anticipate multi-giggling from all.
  5. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    Have you a link to the website? Sounds like it might be fun contributing. Start a competition to see who can send the most bone question.

    (Or perhaps I have just done so :oops: )
  6. Good to my work is being enjoyed by all :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  7. Oh go on, post the link so we can all have a crack at it.

  8. I'm sorry, but I can't make it too easy for you , you have to prove you can speak one of our languages , Sstrine, Vietnamese or Anglish 8) 8)
  9. Unknown_Quantity

    Unknown_Quantity War Hero Moderator

    Unfortunately not - I got it as an email so cannot link back to the source. :(
  10. Hmmm, I always thought there were 360 degree's in a circle :wink:

    Good responses though. Give us the link!!! Please
  11. Scalieback
    Do you REALLY want the directions explained to you :?: :p
  12. When I was on the Volunteer Marine Rescue boats on Bribie Island (Queensland), we used to get asked by the Mexicans (people from south of the border) if the water was safe and were there any crocodiles in the waters around the place, our standard reply was "No mate, no croc's around here" then wait till they were nearly out of ear-shot and add "Bloody sharks ate them all". :roll:

    Got them every time. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
  13. S'funny but this sounds very much like a Canandian Tourism website story I once read