Astounding abilities with no practical value!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bugsy, Dec 18, 2006.

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  1. Y’know the things I mean! The guys who do a sudden perfect forward flip on the way back to barracks after a night out, or those who can completely dismember an SLR/SA80/ Gimpy or whatever at an absolutely dazzling speed, while you only manage it in thrice the time. Or even those who nonchalantly engage the taxi-driver in perfect Chinese/German/French/Italian/Arabic while you look on enviously.

    I knew an RCT full-screw who could actually sign his name on a sheet of paper on the ground with a piece of 10 mm charcoal harry-blacked to the outside of his nearside tyre (with him craning his fat neck out of the window). I also made the sad acquaintance of a REME Sparks who could play “Amazing Grace” on the accelerator pedal of his electric forklift. What prompts people to develop such totally absurd skills?

    Can you really imagine a HR manager in civvy street saying: "OK, Mr Nosmington-Strapper, as you know, we’re looking for a reliable person to take care of our goods warehouse. Now, we’ve ascertained you can speak 47 languages fluently and you have an IQ of 1,756. You proved you can lift 250 tonnes in a straight-arm lift and throw it 25 metres. You also proved you can recite “The Iliad”, “The Bible” (in Aramaic, Greek and Latin), The Qu’ran” (in faultless Arabic), all of William Shakespeare’s works plus the Encyclopaedia Britannica word for word, but can you play “Amazing Grace” on the accelerator pedal of a forklift?"

    Almost all of these abilities have no practical application and some of this stuff is seriously surreal. So, in that vein, here’s another totally fascinating but absolutely useless ability – how to play the Septic National Anthem as a hand-fart.

    If anybody can do the same with the Brit (or even the ROI) National Anthem, but as an armpit fart (on video) I personally will reward that person with as many yellow handbags as s/he can get rid of on a weekend!

    I was going to post this (just the vid) on “International HQ”, but I didn’t want to get Trip_Wire’s skiddies all of a tangle!

  2. Once upon a time, I was quite famous for being able to light farts.

    It was a long time ago.

    A good tip is, always wear underpants, as i discovered.
  3. Practicing now. BTW, the microphone doesn't work, so will a silent video be acceptable?
  4. Send it to me and I'll vouch for you, because my mike is working!! ;)
  5. Thanks to a quirk of family history, I can read both the cyrillic and hebrew alphabets at almost native speed. This skill, however, is of no use whatsoever as I have no idea what the words I'm reading actually mean! The one and only time this crap skill has come in handy was driving in Bosnia and being able to read the road-signs when the non-cyrillic bits had been removed by naughty Serbs. As you can imagine, apart from that, not speaking a language but reading an alphabet is just about the most useless skill ever!

    Oh, and I can make a noise just like a fart with my c0ck.
  6. Have heard tales as long as I was playing rugby and then in the army about people who could shove a dozen 10ps down thier foreskins but have never seen it. Can anyone do this or is it an urban myth. And more to the point why would you do it?
  7. Perfectly acceptable, putts. As long as you have one of those natty little boxes left or right screen showing a person explaining all in British Sign Language (with subtitles).

  8. I used to play rugby with a chap who could indeed put ten two pence pieces into his foreskin. He would often do this at the appropriate satge of a post match thrash. He could also drink a pint of lager whilst standing on his head. Funnily enough it never crossed our minds to get him to perform both party pieces at the same time...

    Something tells me there would have been a big puddle of lager full of 2p bits rather than a majestic quaffing whilst so reinforced. So Phil, better sense you had for never offering to show us both at once. Maybe he had tried it at home and discovered it didn't work...
  9. Nehustan

    Nehustan On ROPs

    I think my all time favourite skill is reading between the lines. That would be reading stuff that isn't there :wink: or is as the case may be. After all could all knowledge merely be a figment of the human imagination? :twisted:
  10. I can fit my fist in my mouth, and I can also touch the inside of my nose with my tounge ( :
  11. Solution....we just need a lipreader.

    Popular with the laydeez?
  12. Now the MODs may be able to help here, but I swear before God that I once saw a photograph in the ARRSE gallery of a young chap giving himself a BJ, seated on a swivel chair. I think he was a Septic.

    I'm sure I didn't imagine it (hope not, anyway) but that has got to be a towering talent worthy of note.

    What happened to the picture, chaps?
  13. If I do it when I'm drunk, then I do cause a few blushes amongst the women!
  14. Fugly

    Fugly LE DirtyBAT

    Is this what you are on about?

    sorry pic had to go
  15. I bet he's the same one that can pull his foreskin over his head and whistle down the hole.

    I've heard about him.