Assistance Required?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Moodybitch, Jun 2, 2005.

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  1. Gawd I am bored so thought I would lend a hand to anyone who needs to get out of something today.

    RTFQ once phoned and pretended to be the police to get me out of a site visit, although he let the cat out of the bag when he gave his name as PC Kojak.

    So, if you have something you need to get out of (work, wedding, etc) let me know and, on behalf of all at Arrse, I will phone and get you let off the said task. :D

    Fcuk I must be bored.....any takers?
  2. breathed heavily down the phone and knocked one out at the sound of a gruff voiced trout?
  3. Don't call your mum a trout you fat cnut

  4. No I called you a trout, my mum is a whore.
  5. Can you get me out of my court appearance tomorrow? Charge is lewd conduct in the Gents toilets of Piccadilly Train Station in Manchester last November. I'm up in front of the judge at 11am.
  6. Any chance you could just phone me and talk dirty? I promise to keep any resulting background noises to a minimum.
  7. Me first, me first!!
  8. Gunny

    This not something I will get you out of. You are a very dirty boy and only 10 years porridge will do for you sunshine.
  9. and ten years of special 'porridge'!! :?
  10. RTFQ


    Can you call me and pretend to be the Samaritans? I tried explaining my problems to the real helpline but Darren told me to "F.uck off and die you sick, twisted little man." Plus you may be able to explain what the frig this thing growing out of the side of my left conker is.
  11. Yes. I called the court and they say they have already lined u a 'special' cell for Gunny. His new room-mate is 'big' Dave, a transvestite rapist from Luton who likes to be called Flo. Is considered 'top dog' in the nick and doesn't take no for an answer.

  12. I had 'Big Dave' (who is not really that big!) when I did 3 in Parkhurst, but thats another story. Now, if Big Ron is free, I'd be up for a 10 year stretch!

  13. You have something growing out of your left conker? It obvious - you have banged Dale's back doors in and caught one of her many diseases.

    I would advise going to your local GUM clinic immediately.

    As for you 'other' problems, keep having the electric shock treatment and I'm sure all will be well.

  14. You can touch my gentials with a 12 volt car battery anyday.
  15. RTFQ


    Aah, it seems I may have committed a social paux pas.

    A medic mate of mine told me to go to the GUM clinic this morning when I walked up to his desk, put my left leg on his desk and showed him a close up of my festering plum. Unfortunately, I thought a gum clinic was the same as a dentists. Imagine the poor bloke's surprise when he invited me to "take a seat, lay back and open wide" while he studied my docs, only to turn round and see me with my knees round my ears, cbt trousers round my ankles and behind my head with my left cajone standing red and angry while I pulled my toiger-like buttocks akimbo in a classic 'hold-open.' As i looked awkwardly out of the corner of my eye, in askance of the dental hygienist, the poor lady fainted and we had to take her to casualty. As the triage nurse was looking at the nasty cut on her forehead, I took the opportunity to get her opinion on my necrotic knacker. Poor thing vommed all over the hygienist. Messy, very messy.