Arse Hair

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by FidoRichardRichard, Mar 25, 2008.

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  1. I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
    It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my arsecheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

    Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my Richards will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. " Such was my anal shaving idea.

    I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my arse of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My arse was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

    Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for a meeting. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two arsecheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to the meeting. Eventually, I
    thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my chocolate starfish. When I stood up after my meeting, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my hotel, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
    and scratching away, I rushed back to the room. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
    reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny WRAC's. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my arse off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

    As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 mile radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my arse cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my arse at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for arse-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my arsecheeks.

    Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
    enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your arse having the texture of a brillo pad.

    Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
     
  2. Yeah, shame it's not your work though.
     
  3. That's true, but funny all the same 8)