ARRSE's guide to breaking up

Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by Wench_Of_The_Manor, Oct 31, 2010.

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  1. Breaking up is so very hard to do.
    Post your break up advice, pearls of wisdom and coping strategies here.
  2. ''its not you, its me'',,,,
  3. rampant

    rampant LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Apply liberal amounts of alcohol, shag anything that moves.
  4. Pararegtom

    Pararegtom LE Book Reviewer

    Take all incriminating photo ,s video,s etc, the dog and any cash found down the back of the sofa!
  5. If you can't bring yourself to tell her that the relationship is over, bring her some flowers, some chocolates and, after you've made her a nice cup of tea, start doing the washing up.

    She'll take the hint.
  6. I find timing to be a useful excuse; everybody can leave with a warm fuzzy feeling when at the implosion of a relationship you declare the demise to be a matter of bad timing.
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    There are a number of useful strategies but I have found that a couple are extremely effective.
    1) Tell her that you have a terminal disease, albeit it a very cosmetic one, and that it would never be fair on her to watch as you fade away from life. Nor should she be conemmed to spend her time and youth visiting you, comforting or caring for you. No, far better - for her - that she makes a new life, finds healthier and better friends and lets love return to her. The advantage of this ploy is that she will be grateful, and consider you to be a fantastic bloke.
    2) Tell her your wife now knows and is homicidal, however, should she ( the bit of fluff) wish, you will leave the wife, bring all the kids, dogs and ferrets and move in with her. Of course, since you work for your father-in-law, you will now be unemployed and unemplyable. But you are sure that she can keep you.
    3)Tell her that you have decided to come out of the closet and admit that being gay is the only way of life that will suit you.

    4) Kill her.
  8. Put barbed wire on top of your 7 foot high back fence to stop them advancing at 0200hrs and turn off the phone to prevent 24 phone calls and demands for sex.
  9. Where were you with that advice when Wife no1 was emptying the bank accounts, before ******* off.
  10. Do we have to do everything for you?? By the way, she asks "is that all the bank accounts now?" and asks me to remind you "to dress up warm for winter".
  11. I suggest hitting her over the head with something heavy, (a Wok may do) and chuck her in a wheelie bin. Fill the said bin with cement and push to the nearest bit of deep water under the cover of darkness and push her in.
  12. Do what I do, be polite when he calls round, wear skimpy clothes and when he tries it on, tell him to go see his new girlfriend for a sucking. Then as time goes on and he still conitnutes to pop around to check you are ok, shag him sensless, pat him on the head and send him on his way, but neglect to mention that your on the rag and the fact that his light blue jeans now have a lovely red mark all down the front.

  13. I found "its not me, its you" is more effective.
    • Like Like x 1
  14. I've found the most effective way to emasculate a man whilst retaining the moral highground is to tell him that you love him like a borther. This conveys the message that he is dull and antagonistic, has failed as a lover and has become a duty ****.
  15. **** OFF works quite well.