ARRSE Xmas do

#1
Where and when?

My invite must have been lost in the post (again).
 
#4

greyfergie

MIA
Book Reviewer
#5
Oldfarts Nursing Home.
Mind the puddle(s) as you come in.
Weak tea will be served at some stage so best to kill yourself now.
Why do they insist on carpeting care homes when they know swamping will happen? Lino and bleach should be the order of the day. They reek of piss the moment you cross the threshold....
 
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#6
Why do they insist on carpeting care homes when they know swamping will happen? Lino and bleach should be the order of the day
Skid risk. Mind you, if the carers didn't organise wheelchair races to amuse themselves, there'd be less of a problem.
 
#7
Spiders mums house, johnG is providing the Women, Stacker the booze from his own stores...
 

TheresaMay

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
#9
Our company didn't have one last year because we were in the middle of downsizing & relocating, which involved redundancies so people weren't really in the festive spirit.

This year therefore, will be my first ever civvy Xmas do.

Quite a novel idea, wearing a suit & tie, having a civilised meal and a glass or two of wine. Having a taxi pick us up instead of a minibus full of half-pissed-already chanting squaddies. Without edging bets on who will be the first to lag their monkey suit, who will throw the first punch, who's fat, gobby, toiletry-stealing wife will be the first "asked to leave" the Mess... No looking at the chefs when you get your meal with that "why the fuck can't you cook like this all year round" look in your eye. Home at a sensible time in a bespoke taxi, not having to keep waking the missus up with a promise of "champagne breakfast soon", which then turns out to be "breakfast baps", at which point everyone bolts for the minibuses in the shivering cold while you listen to one of the Sgt Maj's excuses for why him and his ugly, over-entitled burst bag of broad beans of a missus needs this bus all to themselves...

Then again, with us all being ex-mil there's a good chance of our nice quiet civvy do in the posh country bistro place could revert to type...

...I hope not, because I'm taking my daughter to this one.
 
#10
Our company didn't have one last year because we were in the middle of downsizing & relocating, which involved redundancies so people weren't really in the festive spirit.

This year therefore, will be my first ever civvy Xmas do.

Quite a novel idea, wearing a suit & tie, having a civilised meal and a glass or two of wine. Having a taxi pick us up instead of a minibus full of half-pissed-already chanting squaddies. Without edging bets on who will be the first to lag their monkey suit, who will throw the first punch, who's fat, gobby, toiletry-stealing wife will be the first "asked to leave" the Mess... No looking at the chefs when you get your meal with that "why the **** can't you cook like this all year round" look in your eye. Home at a sensible time in a bespoke taxi, not having to keep waking the missus up with a promise of "champagne breakfast soon", which then turns out to be "breakfast baps", at which point everyone bolts for the minibuses in the shivering cold while you listen to one of the Sgt Maj's excuses for why him and his ugly, over-entitled burst bag of broad beans of a missus needs this bus all to themselves...

Then again, with us all being ex-mil there's a good chance of our nice quiet civvy do in the posh country bistro place could revert to type...

...I hope not, because I'm taking my daughter to this one.
In my experience, the only difference between military and civvy Xmas functions is that in the civvy version you'll help yourself to a hastily wrapped quarter bottle of spirits from the bran tub on the way out.
 
#13
Our company didn't have one last year because we were in the middle of downsizing & relocating, which involved redundancies so people weren't really in the festive spirit.

This year therefore, will be my first ever civvy Xmas do.

Quite a novel idea, wearing a suit & tie, having a civilised meal and a glass or two of wine. Having a taxi pick us up instead of a minibus full of half-pissed-already chanting squaddies. Without edging bets on who will be the first to lag their monkey suit, who will throw the first punch, who's fat, gobby, toiletry-stealing wife will be the first "asked to leave" the Mess... No looking at the chefs when you get your meal with that "why the **** can't you cook like this all year round" look in your eye. Home at a sensible time in a bespoke taxi, not having to keep waking the missus up with a promise of "champagne breakfast soon", which then turns out to be "breakfast baps", at which point everyone bolts for the minibuses in the shivering cold while you listen to one of the Sgt Maj's excuses for why him and his ugly, over-entitled burst bag of broad beans of a missus needs this bus all to themselves...

Then again, with us all being ex-mil there's a good chance of our nice quiet civvy do in the posh country bistro place could revert to type...

...I hope not, because I'm taking my daughter to this one.
Civvie bash try something different, especially if taking daughter, stay sober, you can then spot when it's time to leave, see which dick has had to many and is of to tell the MD how to run his crappy firm and join the P45 que? My misses has never liked mess dinner type function, so I rotate which of Mt kids I take, leaving well before it's turned into pissed up accident waiting to happen.
 
#14
Why do they insist on carpeting care homes when they know swamping will happen? Lino and bleach should be the order of the day
Imagine the carnage arising from wheeled walking aids skidding alles uber der platz on lagged Lino...

Sounds like fun that does
 
#15
Something you and @jarrod248 could have turned your hand to this year, no?

Especially as your primary raison d'être has been usurped by that very modern and progressive young chap, @Joker62.
Nope. I helped with the 2004, 2005 and - for some odd reason - the Salisbury crawl. I've done my bit.

Category:ARRSE Crawls - ARRSEpedia

Besides which, why the f*ck would we want to organise a piss-up in London when we clearly live trillions of miles away?
 
#16
Why do they insist on carpeting care homes when they know swamping will happen? Lino and bleach should be the order of the day
I guess they must become rapidly 'nose blind' like most dog owners, come to think of it.
And besides, the whiff tends to deter frequent visitors.
Meanwhile the Director/ owner spends most of the time in the Seychelles where it smells much nicer.
 
#17
"I'm free for Xmas.... anyone want an extra party guest......?"
 

TheresaMay

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
#18
I just hope the ARRSE version isn't the same as last year...

Xmas Day in Tenerife, on my hotel balcony, soaking up the sun, eating bacon butties for brekkie, Xmas dinner in town, drinks in bar later, whilst tapping off the Wi-Fi on each occasion to referee an all-day fuck-fest between Baglock and CleverPagan on here.
 
#20

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