Arrse Research - Floaters

#1
The day before yesterday I ate "Falsche Hase" (German meatloaf with boiled eggs banged up it's arse) with spuds and sauteed chard. I noticed yesterday that all my turds were floaters! Yesterday I ate leftover Falsche Hase, spuds and green beans, I was expecting a similar outcome, but no, If I were to march them down to the Navy recruiting office, all my turds today would qualify for submarine service selection.

Why?

Never mind all them muons and antiprotons whirling around the Swiss French border and never mind all that nuclear fusion malarky, there's some fundamental science to be done here in our fundaments!

I challenge the NAAFI bar to resolve the following urgent scientific questions!

Can we determine a guaranteed floater recipie whichdoes not involve polystyrene?

Aside from eating lead shot, what will guarantee a sinker?

Which cunt ties fishing line to the bog roll and then pulls it, giggling, under the bog door after the first splash?
 
#2
First of all your admission to eating chard qualifies for 10 years in jail being dry-bummed by Big Alice the new screw.

Secondly the science of turd floating is down to the amount of fat in said torpedo. More fat - more floater.

Edited to add - the same sort of cnut who in 1974 on Ex on the Isle of Man (Jurby Camp) went to the Casino in Douglas. In the Bogs some arrsehole chucked up and his false teeth came under the shitter door. Some cnut stole them.

That sort of cnut:nod:
 
#5
My little 'un did a monster the other day. It probably would have qualified as a sinker, but it was so long and solid, one end was actually sticking out of the water. The only thing missing from it was Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio hanging off of the stern staff...
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
My little 'un did a monster the other day. It probably would have qualified as a sinker, but it was so long and solid, one end was actually sticking out of the water. The only thing missing from it was Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio hanging off of the stern staff...
Did you have no hundreds and thousands and some Smarties in the kitchen cupboard to decorate the little mites heroic turd? Poor kid. I bet he grows up to be a psycho axe murderer and you will be to blame you heartless bastard.

One of the many things I learned off of Beefeater Bob on our tour of the Tower was floaty poo = high fibre. But I am sure the fucker is ex-Para so he could have been taking the piss.
 
#8
For guaranteed floaters the dumpee must ensure adequate fat intake, which gives the log that distinctive pale greasiness! If liver failure can be arranged that helps. Failing those measures, ingestion of those 'slimming pills' that bind onto fat, followed by a large portion of chips, a kebab and a deep fried Mars bar should get results.

Please note other chocolate bars are available...deep fried bounty is particularly lush and squidgy!
 
#9
Did you have no hundreds and thousands and some Smarties in the kitchen cupboard to decorate the little mites heroic turd? Poor kid. I bet he grows up to be a psycho axe murderer and you will be to blame you heartless bastard.

One of the many things I learned off of Beefeater Bob on our tour of the Tower was floaty poo = high fibre. But I am sure the fucker is ex-Para so he could have been taking the piss.
Or just talking shit?
 

TurtleHead

Old-Salt
Book Reviewer
#12
I find that plenty of Guinness has a lovely black floating effect on the surface of the bog water, almost like an oil spill! unfortunately it is'nt a traditional floater but there is certainly a floating element to it!!
 

TurtleHead

Old-Salt
Book Reviewer
#13
If you are on any opiate based painkillers, or any painkillers really (apart from paracetamol) you get number 1's which sink to the bottom of the bog like a chilean miner
 
#14
Which cunt ties fishing line to the bog roll and then pulls it, giggling, under the bog door after the first splash?
That's the same toilet Nazi that we have here who kindly leaves a single sheet of bumwad hanging teasingly from underneath the dispenser. Usually occurs when unsuspecting visitor, namely self, already touching sock arrives over Dresden to commence the bombing run with incendiaries composed of the remains of the previous night's session of pop and chilli con carnage. Utter Cnut!
 
#15
There's a kind of fish called butterfish which oils your guts and causes you to fire 30mm AP into the sewer system hard enough to crack the porcelain as they explode out of your ring in an oily spray. Avoid like the plague unless you want to serve it to the MiL then lock yourself in the bog and wait for the damp moans and scratching on the door to signal she's blown a hole in her skiddies.
 
#16
Not just "Floaters", but, frequency. I lay a cable every night before retiring, nearly always a sinker Type 4. Occasionly I will have to drop one during the day as well, the shorter turd seems to usually float.

Mrs F_F however can go 4 or 5 days without dumping especially if we have gone on holiday or away in our caravan
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#17
Not just "Floaters", but, frequency. I lay a cable every night before retiring, nearly always a sinker Type 4. Occasionly I will have to drop one during the day as well, the shorter turd seems to usually float.

Mrs F_F however can go 4 or 5 days without dumping especially if we have gone on holiday or away in our caravan
Mine are usually type 4 sinkers too. As for 5 days without a shit,fuck that for a joke.
 
#18
Mine are usually type 4 sinkers too. As for 5 days without a shit,fuck that for a joke.
i'm wondering if its weight that sinks them. I will have to try to crimp one off in mid flow and see if a smallr turd floats
 
#19
Mine are usually pretty unpleasant. I tend to start with a hard, dry type 2 'pace car' that can take anything up to two minutes to pass. This can be followed by a selection of type 5 'chasers' that spit out at some speed. Three or four more contractions of the guts produce several streams of type 6 'pebbledash' that coat the pan in a treacle-like substance and make the toilet unusable by any other party for up to ten minutes.
 

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