Arrse Research - Floaters

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by cernunnos, Sep 20, 2011.

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  1. The day before yesterday I ate "Falsche Hase" (German meatloaf with boiled eggs banged up it's arse) with spuds and sauteed chard. I noticed yesterday that all my turds were floaters! Yesterday I ate leftover Falsche Hase, spuds and green beans, I was expecting a similar outcome, but no, If I were to march them down to the Navy recruiting office, all my turds today would qualify for submarine service selection.


    Never mind all them muons and antiprotons whirling around the Swiss French border and never mind all that nuclear fusion malarky, there's some fundamental science to be done here in our fundaments!

    I challenge the NAAFI bar to resolve the following urgent scientific questions!

    Can we determine a guaranteed floater recipie whichdoes not involve polystyrene?

    Aside from eating lead shot, what will guarantee a sinker?

    Which cunt ties fishing line to the bog roll and then pulls it, giggling, under the bog door after the first splash?
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  2. First of all your admission to eating chard qualifies for 10 years in jail being dry-bummed by Big Alice the new screw.

    Secondly the science of turd floating is down to the amount of fat in said torpedo. More fat - more floater.

    Edited to add - the same sort of cnut who in 1974 on Ex on the Isle of Man (Jurby Camp) went to the Casino in Douglas. In the Bogs some arrsehole chucked up and his false teeth came under the shitter door. Some cnut stole them.

    That sort of cnut:nod:
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  3. I prefer sinkers they don't stink as much. Plus they leave better stains on the bog.
  4. A really sturdy 'Plumb Bob' can almost leave gouge-marks around the bend. I never brush these away, leaving them there in testimony of a job well done.
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  5. My little 'un did a monster the other day. It probably would have qualified as a sinker, but it was so long and solid, one end was actually sticking out of the water. The only thing missing from it was Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio hanging off of the stern staff...
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  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Did you have no hundreds and thousands and some Smarties in the kitchen cupboard to decorate the little mites heroic turd? Poor kid. I bet he grows up to be a psycho axe murderer and you will be to blame you heartless bastard.

    One of the many things I learned off of Beefeater Bob on our tour of the Tower was floaty poo = high fibre. But I am sure the fucker is ex-Para so he could have been taking the piss.
  7. and rightly proud of him I'll be!
  8. For guaranteed floaters the dumpee must ensure adequate fat intake, which gives the log that distinctive pale greasiness! If liver failure can be arranged that helps. Failing those measures, ingestion of those 'slimming pills' that bind onto fat, followed by a large portion of chips, a kebab and a deep fried Mars bar should get results.

    Please note other chocolate bars are available...deep fried bounty is particularly lush and squidgy!
  9. Or just talking shit?
  10. The variety in my logs scares me sometimes... Only sometimes though, I think its good to see change!
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  11. Only if your guts are already fill of grease and manky scraps of atrophied meat. The fibre scours them out like a pull-through, and gives you a series of magnificent 'Bristol Mk. III torpedoes'. But if you eat high fibre regularly you just get a heap of sixes.

  12. TurtleHead

    TurtleHead Old-Salt Book Reviewer

    I find that plenty of Guinness has a lovely black floating effect on the surface of the bog water, almost like an oil spill! unfortunately it is'nt a traditional floater but there is certainly a floating element to it!!
  13. TurtleHead

    TurtleHead Old-Salt Book Reviewer

    If you are on any opiate based painkillers, or any painkillers really (apart from paracetamol) you get number 1's which sink to the bottom of the bog like a chilean miner
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  14. That's the same toilet Nazi that we have here who kindly leaves a single sheet of bumwad hanging teasingly from underneath the dispenser. Usually occurs when unsuspecting visitor, namely self, already touching sock arrives over Dresden to commence the bombing run with incendiaries composed of the remains of the previous night's session of pop and chilli con carnage. Utter Cnut!
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  15. There's a kind of fish called butterfish which oils your guts and causes you to fire 30mm AP into the sewer system hard enough to crack the porcelain as they explode out of your ring in an oily spray. Avoid like the plague unless you want to serve it to the MiL then lock yourself in the bog and wait for the damp moans and scratching on the door to signal she's blown a hole in her skiddies.
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