ARRSE Lawsuit - Channelling MDN

Right!... its all your fault..

went out for a cold pint at lunch, cause I can and its a balmy 35C in the shade, with a couple of ' business associates ' and was sitting quietly at the bar discussing said ' business ' when I felt a presence at my side.. turned to see what's what and stared into the low cut, tight topped, pectorals of a woman of more than passable beauty as she leant forward, stretching the fabric in a wondrous test of its tensile strength, reaching for her own liquid refreshment..

suddenly from out my lips, unbidden , came a voice with a distinct Brit accent, Wallace and Grommit like saying " Ohh, cracking norks there love "
The recipient of my compliment took a step back and looked at me " I beg your pardon? " she replied with a distinct chill in her response [ must have been the air conditioning ].. and I followed up my opening with a second uncharacteristic phrase..
" your jubblies; quite smashing . "

The Good Padre gets back this evening from her week away at an international chaplains' conference - how am I to explain the decided dent on the bridge of my nose where it met a cold beer bottle which seemed to find its way through my face on its way from the bar to the young woman's own table?

The ' associates' were of limited help, as they were doubled over with abdominal pains brought on by hysterical laughter, though they did, with the use of the barman's supply of engraved napkins [ I think they said Hancock's HB or Hardy Country Bitter - hard to read through a red mist ], manage to stem the flow of vital fluid...

I am seriously considering a lawsuit.. diabolical forces being fed back through the internet from hours spent on ARRSE have allowed mind control virus to be implanted by evil forces [ That has to be you MDN - Lord Flashie hasn't been around ] and using ARRSE to corrupt peaceful people..

I'm off in search of maximumj strength painkillers.. but I'm not finished with this by a long shot...
What is her problem? 8O :roll:

The correct response from her should have been "Thank you sir. Would you like to push your face between them and shake your head from side to side, drooling ever so slightly as you do, or did you just wish to go straight for the soapy titwnak?"
Oh you are in so much trouble when the Padre comes home! :lol:


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
OK Rocket, time to 'fess up.

How did it go? Just how did you explain that the kitchen cupboard jumped out and nutted you in an unprovoked attack?

The Padre came home after dark [ I picked her up at the train station ] and so she didn't see my bent snozz at first. I managed to keep my face turned away while driving, etc. so she didn't get a clear view.. spent the half-hour drive home trying to come up with a suitable excuse - i.e. dog did it, moved the bookcase she's been after me to fix, etc. etc..

got into the drive and when she exited the car she grabbed her attache and tossed me her duffle..

incredibly, one of the straps snapped across my phisog and scraped my damaged proboscis reopening the cut.. already tender from the first encounter IT BLOODY HURT! and left me wailing like a tyke in diapers as fresh bodily fluids started to spurt anew..

The love of my life, that dear sweet woman, was immediately all solicitous and caring.. took charge of the injury and whipped open her first aid kit covering me with ointment, gauze, plaster and kisses [ in that order ] ..

She's gone to sleep [ as its 0300 or therabouts my time ] so I've managed to remove much of the wrap as it looks like I've had major plastic surgery in an attempt to look like Ronald McDonald...pain is now reduced to dull jungle drum throb and I might actually get some shut eye before daybreak..but, damn.. twice in one day!.. saved my ass though, so can't really complain..

will have to get out the prayer mat and bow to Mecca, light a few votive candles and work through a chapter or two of the Torah to repay this miracle, though my nose isn't too thrilled at looking like a casaba, and I make a sound like an old teapot when I breath

just wish this kind of luck came my way when buying lottery tickets
Just wait until MrsRocketeer joins ARRSE. :lol:

Just what do chaplains do at a week long conference anyway? Could it be that strap breaking was no coincidence?
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
P The NAAFI Bar 105
Le_addeur_noir The NAAFI Bar 2
Ravers The NAAFI Bar 396

Similar threads

Latest Threads