ARRSE confessional - punishment needed

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by hammy123, Oct 22, 2008.

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  1. I need help, I'm slipping down towards waltdom, I must be punished!

    Was out with some mates the other night when we got talking to some nice young, firm pert ladies. Hammy slips the wedding ring off then regails them with his tales of army service, flying helicopters, storming the embassy, midget submarines, delivering chocolates via parachute, single handedly recovering the Falklands from Saddam etc with a view to a potential shag at the end of the night.

    Is this just good drills or am I about to be outed as a walt? I need to be punished.

    Went walking the other week and found myself once again digging my old smock and webbing out to carry my boil in the bag stew (wayfayrer not compo) when all my peers were dressed in "Snow and Rock's" finest gear carrying energy food and drink. Am I just a tight arrse or is this once again the first step to waltdom? I need to be punished.

    Any other arrsers slipping into the same spiral?

    Please, give me penance, I need to be punished. Please punish me.
  2. Liar. None of that happened.
  3. I suggest two weeks spent Airsofting, should sort you out!
  4. Just how much boil in the bag were you carrying that you needed a set of fighting order?

    More exercise, less rations tubby.
  5. That or you have a really poncy form of PTSD, best to work on your 1000 yard stare, and "I was in 'nam" stories. better to be a crazed combat vet methinks...
  6. Hammy if you got a shag mate no every Tom on here Ex or Current as larged it a bit to loosen the knicker elastic.....I was always first out of the Herc (when it landed)
  7. Nah, didnt get a shag so it was a complete waste of feckin time.
  8. Of course, you are correct, I bow to your superior grasp of events and wont ever make a similar post again - is that what you want to hear you trolling cnut?
  9. Yes that's exactly what I wanted to hear. You big dirty internet liar. By the way, the troll comment is unfounded. I think of myself as the voice of the people and those people deemed you an internet liar.

    Pants on fire.
  10. I called you a troll because I couldnt think of anything else to call you.

    If I was going to push myself as an Internet liar I would have said:

    Walted it up as SASSSSSS maan then shagged loads of the birds in the pub up the arrse, and their mothers and twin sisters at the same time, then they made me breakfast and I went home to my gorgeous model wife with her twin sister who was staying the week who was so impressed with my medals I got off eBay that she wants to shag me to.

    Sound better?

    Then, I tabbed up Mont Blanc with my 58 large pack and webbing with 18 tins of bacon burgers, then shagged loads of birds.
  11. How the f*ck does saying you're in the army get you a sh*g anyway?
    When I was in I used to keep it quiet and say I was an insurance clerk or something like that.

    "Meet my boyfriend Smudge/Taff......"
    "He spends all his money on p*ss, dissapears for weeks on end, has the social graces of a retarded baboon, lives with six other blokes and occasionally takes me out for an evening then falls over drunk, can't 'perform' and p*sses the bed".

    I don't know why the girls aren't getting a fondue set going in their panties at the mere mention of an SA80! :roll:
  12. Its a very good question which some of the thrusting young blades might be able to answer.

    Does being a squaddie get you more shags as opposed to being a labourer / dole wallah / bus driver? I dont think its the occupation, more the patter to thrill them with -

    "I stormed [insert objctive] with only [insert feeble weapon such as a spoon] and killed [insert how many japs]"

    as opposed to

    "I had a good shift, was on the 22 route"

    Then again, its all down to the person I suppose and my patter for the last 20 years has always been shoite regardless of when I was serving or not.
  13. I wouldn't know about getting fewer or more shags when mentioning, or hiding your wearing a set of DPM's for work.
    I do know it gets you higher in the pecking order amongst your civvie mates (if any...). Now that will get you more female attention by being the " leader of the pack".

    [Wishful thinking: Off]
  14. Hammy,
    Am with you on this one mucker and no punishment is needed, unless you are paying good money for it!
    Once the wedding band has done an op thin-out and disappeared to a dark recess am back to being that steely eyed cold war warrior regaling all 'n' sundry about tales of derring do involving mine sweeping and squaddie weekends. Aye my patter is pish aswell but I can't help that.
    Though when I served, I have to agree with Howler, my choice of occupation was car park attendant, toilet cleaner or the dole - how fecked up is squaddie logic?!
    You would think I should have known better because over the summer of '86 I did MDT and the amount of boilers that came up with a damp gusset and loose elastic asking "is that a real tank?"was staggering. Even I got shag that year.
    Back at camp on the lash and I once again reverted to being toilet cleaner/car park attendant etc, etc
    There's a moral to the tale somewhere but am fecked if I can work it out.
    As for the kit, I still have a couple of pairs of me issued socks and still wear them when out on the pull... ...turned up at a mates wedding wearin' them once!
    Years of life left in them, only issued in '84.
  15. One of THEM once told me that when on the pull in they would tell the truth...

    Potential Shag: "what do you do then?"

    THEM: "I'm a sergeant major in the SAS"

    Potential Shag: "No, what do you do really?"

    THEM: "Oh all right, I'm an analytical chemist"

    Potential Shag (pointing to bunch of evil looking blokes all wearing green Helly Hansen jackets): " What about your mates?"

    THEM: "They're all Analytical Chemists as well"

    Potential Shag: "I though so....are you gonna ask me to dance then?"

    Analytical chemist (heavily built with 1000 yard stare, sun tan in Hereford in January, zapata moustache and wearing jeans, desert wellies, and a green Helly Hansen long before the rest of the army discovered them) escorts Potential shag to the dance floor...

    I think it was Goebbels who said something along the lines of if you tell big enough lies no-one will believe the truth when you say it...