ARRSE Cancer Scare. Defecating past an open wound..

#1
OK..

So as a few of you are aware, I had an operation to remove a tumour some six inches up my colon on Monday afternoon.

Although the operation was a success and the tumour was benign, the location of the wound meant that I was given an injection to supress my appetite, one to constipate me and a couple of pain killing ones and anti-infection ones too.

On Tuesday, I was the veritable pin cushion.

I had been nil by mouth since Sunday afternoon, and had my first solid meal last night (If you could count a bowl of boiled rice as solid food)

Having spent most of last night letting off the most evil, evil farts, I knew that the drugs were wearing off and that emptying the bomb-bays was imminent. I felt that it wasn't going to be that bad really, given that after the lack of food and the enema that surely, there couldn't be too much up there.

I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

I must have forgotten that sometime in the last two days, I'd eaten a paving slab that had been sharpened on all four corners by a diamond-tipped angle-grinder.

With the nipsy doing it's 50p/5p impression and starting to sweat up at around 3pm, I took the 200th edition of GQ up to Trap One and sat.

I waited and waited, continuing to release the noisiest and repugnant guffs known to man.


Then at 3.15pm, the first part of my paving slab touched the wound.

I screamed, sweat beads appeared on my forehead and tears involuntarily rolled down my face. Pushing was no good, as it just meant more paving slab scraping past the wound.


I was making noises now associated with lowering one's self into a hot bath. A 'Monkey Bath' if you like.

Plenty of "OOOOOOOOH OOOOOOH OOOOOOOH's!" and a lot f*cking more "ARGH! ARGH! ARGH'S!!"

Agony. More tears.

Then it broke through the tea-towel holder. I was now between a rock and a hard place.

Push. "SCREAM!" Try and nip it off. "SCREAM!"


More tears. Some praying.


Push. "SCREAM!" Try and nip it off. "SCREAM!"


Repeat for fifteen minutes until the last push and it hit the pan. Followed by a huge build up of clotted blood (I had been told to expect this)

The relief was immense. I decided not to wipe, but instead had earlier fitted two metres of hose to my 'warm' tap and rinsed my poor ringpeice squatted over the pan. I hadn't been able to suppress the tears still at this point, but was still whimpering like a hungry puppy.

I then inserted one of my new anti-biotic suppositories and walked like John Wayne downstairs to comfort myself with 'Deal or No Deal'

Worst poo of my life and I have at least five days of similar ones still to suffer.

My ARRSE hurts...
 
#2
Feckin hell that sounds bad mate but just think what might have happened if they hadn't done the op,a few years down the line you might have done the ultimate sh1te and followed thru with all your guts!!
 
#5
hope you get better soon , fcuk me i am having a operation and i have been driving everyone around the bend moaning my biggest worry is my scars and i wont be able to wear my skimpy tops any more to show my tummy

get down your gp and ask for manavac and some voltrol bullets you will feel better
 
#6
pentwyn said:
hope you get better soon , fcuk me i am having a operation and i have been driving everyone around the bend moaning my biggest worry is my scars and i wont be able to wear my skimpy tops any more to show my tummy

get down your gp and ask for manavac and some voltrol bullets you will feel better
I'm thinking of you in this troublesome period of your life. Hope you die under the anaesthetic.
 
#7
i cried reading it. get well soon dude
 
#8
Did they let you keep the lump?

Any piccies?

Is it in a jar next to Anyas womb?
 
#10
that was more than 6 inches
 
#16
pentwyn said:
I am having a operation and i have been driving everyone on arrse around the bend posting shite my biggest worry is my scars and i wont be able to wear my string vest's any more on site to show my hairy beer belly off

get down your gp and ask for prozac and some lead bullets you will feel better
More irrelevant drivel from the resident agony aunt, must be a full moon over Rampton Yannie.........
 
#17
lol harry i dont like beer only wine , and hairy chests gives me the creeps .
if my guys chest was hairy i would send him to go and get it waxed lol
 
#18
Yannie/Pentwyn,

Don't let the nasty man get you down. I'd still dry bum you.

Well, at knife point anyway.......
 
#20
LCpl Pigshagger - you will look back in years to come and remember that day with great relish. It will become a great talking point for you and I am sure people will wince and buy a beer for you (or a supository). I though I had had some painful poos, but that made my eyes water
 

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