ARRSE Agony Aunts

Pagan-Image

War Hero
The sock never existed. You never saw it. Assuming it still resembles a sock, and not a fibrous stalagtite.
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Dear arrse agony aunt,

I am having problems with an ex-Hamster taking over my life.

Where can I purchase bulk supplies of a suitable lubricant?

Yours in hope.
Dear RBMK,

I feel your pain. There is nothing worse than cleaning an expensive hand-made Japanese katana, while watching BDSM GILFs, only to find you're out of mineral oil. Synthetic oil of adequate refinement can be purchased from Halfords.
 
Dear Agony Arrse..

I have an unhealthy obsession with Carol Vorderman, fat ugly women, bacon grills, egg banjo's and rifles with wooden furniture. What shall I do?
Come over to the dark side. Join us and your name shall be Darth Werthers.
 

endure

GCM
Dear Agony Arrse..

I have an unhealthy obsession with Carol Vorderman, fat ugly women, bacon grills, egg banjo's and rifles with wooden furniture. What shall I do?
You also have an unhealthy obsession with misplaced apostrophes. Are you perchance a grocer?
 

CharleyBourne

War Hero
Book Reviewer
My nomination for ARRSE agony aunt - Terry Cartwright off The Inbetweeners.
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Mr Cartwright: "Boys, I'll tell you something about women".

Inbetweeners (eagerly): "What's that Mr Cartwright?".

Mr Cartwright: "They're fcuuuuuuking mental!".
 

surfincivi

Old-Salt
If this were Just A Minute you'd be done for repetition right there.
Lert person how very dare you impune the Vodermistress, she of the artfully crafted curves and plump bank account. You have extreme soft furnishings issues. Chose the time and place. I assume pillows would be your preferred weapon. Harrumph
 
I have an unhealthy obsession with Carol Vorderman, fat ugly women, bacon grills, egg banjo's and rifles with wooden furniture.
Oi!!! I sent it as a draft copy, I have not even got to the obsession with strong Belgian ales and filling the "Pull a pig" board yet, no walk of shame with to Norman with a swampy mattress, all for a later chapter , blown my cover and nicked my secrets to better yourself.
 
My nomination for ARRSE agony aunt - Terry Cartwright off The Inbetweeners.
View attachment 638949
Mr Cartwright: "Boys, I'll tell you something about women".

Inbetweeners (eagerly): "What's that Mr Cartwright?".

Mr Cartwright: "They're fcuuuuuuking mental!".
My nomination for ARRSE Agony Aunt:

Will's Mum.

I would confess whatever she told me to, 4 or 5 times.

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