ARRSE Advice for Potential Recruits - A Guide to Enlistment

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LBdr_Pigshagger, Feb 10, 2009.

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  1. Ok, Not sure if this one has been done before, but I'll get the ball rolling....

    1. The Sergeant in the careers office is not a liar. Whatever you choose as your chosen Regiment/Trade the very first nano-second you enter the careers office and pick up a glossy leaflet with a bloke windsurfing on it will be what you end up doing after CMSR without fail.

    It is therefore your duty to come on ARRSE and ignore the hundreds and thousands of threads already dedicated to said trade displayed clearly on the Regiment or Corps specific forum and ask for brand new advice using text speak, in the NAAFI Bar. This will glean you a wealth of 'helpful' advice.

    2. If you score low marks on the BARB Test, wear Grolsch Bottoms on your eyes to correct a slight stigmatism or can't run three hundred metres before collapsing and dying because of your heart condition/asthma they will still let you attempt the All Arms Commando Course, become a Para or fly Apache Gunships for the AAC after CMSR.

    It's just that you'll need to be badged as RLC for the duration of your training. Should you complete training and arrive at your first posting and be posted to the cookhouse, make sure you tell the CQMS that they've got it all wrong and that the man in the recruiting office said that you could be a pilot. You'll be transferred out of there before the day is out. Just be thankful that there's no longer a Royal Pioneer Corps.

    3. When you get off the train at Depot, the Training Corporals will need to identify you as a potential soldier. It would help them if you could wear something camoflage. Silvermans do a great line in jackets and if you turn up in a gleaming ally SAS Smock they'll think you know the coup and put you on their 'list' You'll already be halfway to a trained soldier in their eyes.

    4. If you've got any time under your belt in the ACF/CCF, don't stay quiet about it - Shout from the rooftops. Experience counts and you'll be fast-tracked and given preferential treatment. All the rest of the lads in your section will look on you with envy and you'll be already better at anyone at sleeping with one eye open.

    If you were a four-star Cadet WOII make sure that the Training Screws and your Pln/Tp Sgt know that you technically out-ranked them all just last week and be sure to tell the guys in the Skill At Arms wing that they've got their drills wrong. Knowledge is power.

    5. Once you've got a date for Enlistment you're technically already a trained soldier. Explain those mysterious absences caused by thrapping over pictures of Fearne Cotton in a darkened bedroom by telling everyone in the pub that you've ALREADY been away in Afghanistan and are bezzers with Ross Kemp.

    6. Don't be surprised on completion of CMSR if you're posted straight to Afghanistan.

    7. If you're made to share a room on arrival at your new Barracks, it doesn't matter if the bloke in the adjoining pit-space has been in nine years - He's still the same rank as you and he can't tell you what to do. Stick up for yourself and refuse all block-jobs. The Block NCO will back you all the way.

    8. When training for a specific theatre of Operations, if they're doing it differently to how you saw on Saving Private Ryan, Generation Kill or Where Eagles Dare - Man up, get your hand in the air and tell them.

    9. When you're eating your evening meal and the ROS wanders from table to table asking if everything's alright with the food, if it's not - tell him. When he marches you over to the head slop to explain - tell him too in no uncertain terms. This will earn you the respect of your peers.

    10. Make sure you marry the first chubber from 'Down Town' that throws her legs up in the air for you. You'll get a free house and you can lend her a set of Ron Hills to go out with the pushchair in.

    11. Finally, after you leave the Forces, should you find yourself on a the most watched reality TV show in the country, don't be afraid to have a little cry in front of the cameras whe the going gets a little bit tough. Your ex-Army mates will respect you for it and will send you 'supportive' e-mails and texts....


    Over to you lot.......
    • Like Like x 1
  2. :D

    I'll be sure to call the RSM Sarge first time I meet him too , I've heard they like that.
  3. I think I've just found my new bible!
  4. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Drink heavily & dont forget to learn the art of 'Swamping'
  5. Now you tell me....
  6. Of course.

    But true swampers don't lag their own pit. Far better to lag someone elses.

    Go for the block 'Sweat'

    The harder and generally unstable whilst being prone to outbursts of extreme violence they are, the more they'll 'sympathise'
  7. When you run out of dosh, go to your RAO and do a claim on JPA. It's free money!
  8. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    One burning question on a Recruits mind;
    How to combat homesickness & missing the girlfriend?
    Do you man up & have a w*nk or cry to the nearest careing DI?...
  9. Remember, leave is an entitlement - whenever you fancy a trip home, just go;but make sure you ring the sarge when you get home, as a matter of courtesy.Also, use all your warrants up as soon as possible.
  10. If you are looking for join the Int Corps make sure you notify your NCO that you are extremely good at stabbing people in the back and enjoy 'brown nosing'. They will respect you incredibly for this and favour you above all other recruits.
  11. True Story.

    On about week three of Basic, I'd been on the weekly phone-call to my Mum from one of the phonecard machines outside the cookhouse at Woolwich.

    It was the usual sort of conversation that you would have expected from a week three recruit.

    "I'm so tired, Mum. We're up at five and once they put the lights out at 10.30pm, we put them back on so that we can finish our Block Jobs. We're rarely in bed before 02:00 and everyone's knackered. We've lost ten blokes already who've jacked etc etc"

    I was a bit teary-eyed and as I came off the phone after my allocated 10 minutes and one of the Training Screws from Colenso Troop saw me making my way back to the block.


    Before I knew it he was nose to nose with me balling me out, but he'd clocked straight away that I was 'a bit upset'

    Something remarkable then happened. He took off his hat, undid his belt and took me to the side and sat me down on the wall.

    With his arm around my shoulder, he flipped open a box of Embassy and offered me a cigarette. I was initially suspicious, but I fell for it because he seemed so genuine. (Yeah, I know.. What an idiot)

    He gave me the full WRVS talk and said that it didn't matter because we all felt that way during Basic, sometimes even the NCO's felt the pressure and missed their Mums. I should forget all about it and that if the training in Sphinx Troop was getting a little bit OTT, then he'd have a quiet word with our Training NCO's.

    He then told me to take a few minutes to get myself together before returning to the Troop.

    I waited for a bit and then made my way back. As soon as I turned the corner and saw the accomodation, I saw the whole Troop outside on Parade in various states of dress. Coveralls/Tracksuits/Shorts and Flip-Flops etc.

    "SHHHHHHHHIIIIIT!" I thought and started running.

    I quickly fell in and our Training Screws came outside. Within seconds I was called out to the front and made to stand at attention whilst my section commander read out my "Charge Sheet"

    Bubbling to Mother on Telephone
    Stealing Cigarettes from NCO's
    Slouching around Barracks etc.

    That c*nt from Colenso had legged it back to his accomodation whilst I was getting myself together, telephoned our Troop office and obviously told them that he'd caught a fresh one, hook line and sinker.

    I was then made to stand at the position of attention but with my Lightweights round my ankles, thumb in mouth whilst "Pretending to cry with full rubbing eyes action" whilst the whole of Sphinx Troop did changing parades around me (Mess Tin Order/NBC Kit etc) and the whole of Colenso Troop hung out of their windows pointing and laughing.

    I was the most popular bloke in the block that night, I can tell you.....
  12. i found they got more excited when you use 'mate or mucka'

    sure.... the cadet way is always best, pass on your tips!! Enjoy the preferential treatment as you constantly say 'that aint how we do it', all the other lads will be glad your there!
  13. spike7451

    spike7451 RIP

    Take your own kit,Always impresses especially if your own boots are already spit shined,or better yet,painted!! (DI's cant tell the difference.. :wink: )
  14. Don't forget that the vehicle that follows you on forced marches is your rest vehicle and you can spend two minutes of any mile sitting on the tailgate taking a break and a smoke. Don't let anyone tell you different, it's your right.
  15. christ, you rockapes have it hard.