You are a 33 year old fat lance-jack tank mechanic in some God-awful Wiltshire hellhole, smothered in zits. eating pizza and drinking Spar lager as you plough through yet another lonely, lonely night since Shaz left with your minging kids. You hope, by this pathetic and obvious ploy, to either entice your married SSM into indiscreet Arrse flirting, or maybe to score with a Para.
Top tip: The latter is easy. Just put on a skirt and hang around Paras. Don't even bother to shave.
I take it all back. I just looked at your profile - no REME sad act would have the wit to juxtapose 'riding' 'gliding' and 'Cambridge'. The class implications are all too clear. You are, in fact, an OTC wannabe trying to get it on with a rich Guards officer. As to whether you are a girl or a guy; well. In this day and age, it probably doesn't matter. It never did to Guards officers anyway. Just so long as you squeak 'Sir!' as they show you what the Establishment likes at the end of an evening.
choose in the corner shop a) liebfraumilch b) Kestrel lager c) Happy Shopper port (ruby not tawny)
Your girlfriend's dad sets the dogs on you after finding out that you wiped your glans on the curtains after nobbing. Do you say
a) I'll get my brothers on you as soon as they're out!
b) I'll pay for the dry cleaning!
c) It's pre-Dissolution tapestry! Won't English Heritage pay for the dry cleaning? They do in our house!
d) Get these mutts off me! They aren't thoroughbred!
An unruly former lance jack disses you on an unofficial army website. Do you
a) Laugh it off and join in the banter
b) help him track down a Shagane in real life and spit roast her in the spirit of inter class friendship
c) have him tracked down by your butler and killed
mostly a - not posh. From Leicester.
Mostly b - a bit posh. Poshy.
Mostly c- As posh as, if not posher than, Poshy McPosh of the Clan McPosh
any d - too posh. First up against the wall when the revolution comes. Poshy Poshy posh - posh.
I like the fact she had a fling with a 'para-commando-pilot' Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Had any 'Special Forces Submarine Captains' try to chat you up recently, pet? Any 'can't say where, but I'm deployed tomorrow - of course I'll call' ends to the night?
I bet it is those REs having a night out in Cambridge! Good lads.