Are you concerned about your health? Heres FAQS with the ans

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by 5.56mm, Aug 13, 2007.

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  1. I had this sent to me by email today and found it quite funny.


    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!!!!!!!!
  2. and remember, 100% of non smokers die.
  3. Lol
  4. Mrs G_S_B reckons that Tango is good for you. Orange = vitamin C. The same goes for Terry's choc oranges.

    No wonder she's a fcuking lardy
  5. Just emailed this to the rehab PTI here. The response wasn't what I expected
    "What a load of bollocks.
    No wonder people are fat and dying young!! You want to see you grandchildren???"

    Whoops. And i've got another torture session scheduled soon.
  6. Worried about my health, no way! Smoke tabs, drink beer and ride bareback is my philosophy! Why?

    The only two things in life of which we can be certain are death and taxation.

    I worry more about how much of the latter I'll have to pay before the first catches up with me.

    The cu'nt who invented jogging died young while out jogging!

    My Grandad smoked like a fish (kipper) and drank like a lemming (jump in the bucket and hope to drown). Every day in the pub from from 11.00 to chucking out time. He was well liked by the ladies and was still putting it about in his late seventies. He thought a condom was a french block of flats. The poor bast'ard died fit but sober, he would say because he was sober, on a pub outing to a race meeting, aged 93. How fu'cking much older would you want to be?
  7. Fast forward 25 years, "Grandad was hit by a Lorry whilst running, the driver did'nt see him 'cos he was eating a Ginsters and the smoke from his fag obscured his vision."