Are You A Squaddie.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by A_Knocker_Till_The_End, Aug 2, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. apologies if done already chaps.............

    Are You A Squaddie ????

    You know you've been Defence institutionalised (Made military) when...You use target indication to point out hot chicks...

    You use the term 'chicks'

    You insist on dancing like a dick, whilst your civvie mates insist on trying to dance 'properly'.

    Your civvie mates don't understand any of the terminology you use such as 'no dramas', 'squared away', 'take a knee' etc....

    You can't help saying "Roger", "Say again" and other snappy bits of VP

    You use acronyms thinking your civvie mates will understand what you are talking about

    You don't have any civvie mates....

    You cringe, and mutter under your breath 'haircut', when you see men with long hair.

    You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend.

    You refer to personal organisation as "admin"

    Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as 'Zero Alpha'

    You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you

    You always use the 24 hour clock....

    Nothing soldiers do shocks you any more....

    You can't watch war movies without giving a running commentary.

    People in prison have more contact with women than you do....

    Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet....

    You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better....

    You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion....

    You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you're more interesting than most topics of conversation....

    You think not shaving is a treat....

    You get really irritated when people you don't know call you 'mate'....

    You can read a junk mail catalogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a Gucci bit of kit.

    You refer to smoke as 'a double edged sword'.

    You spend hours wondering where in civvie street you can get an equal disposable income and at least 6 weeks holiday a year, by completing an inversely proportionally tiny amount of tangible work

    Your blood boils when you see civvies wearing DPM.

    Going out on Thursday "international army night out" wherever it may be,or whichever course one is on, involves forming the ring-of-steel, talking about ourselves and the army and aggressively staring at girls; who if they don't immediately come over are obviously lesbians.

    Should any man dare break this ritual, and despite talking to the prettiest of girls - as we would like to do, if it weren't for the fact we tend to chew our own tongues and dribble - he is clearly gay!

    You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday....

    You have to stop work at 10am for NAAFI break or else you might not make it to lunch....

    At least half of your DVD collection are war movies....

    Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civvie you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told all your soldiers that you 'can't believe how much money they waste on the piss'....

    You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers in the mess

    The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'....

    You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal....

    All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold....

    You lie when people ask you what you do for a living....

    When leaving your phone number on a voice message you can't just give it once, has to be repeated.

    When surveying open ground (when not looking for enemy in depth) you think, good tank country. If a forestry block - I could get a platoon in here

    You survey open ground.

    When you are pointing out some natural feature you begin with "Reference bushy topped tree etc etc"

    Your girlfriend has started saying "admin" and gave you the "Chop" when telling you to put the bin out.

    When meeting mates in a pub you always turn up 5 minutes early and are secretly angry that nobody else has.....Worse still, if it's a venue you haven't been to before, you turn up 15 minutes early to put in a CTR, in order that you are definitely there 5 minutes early.

    You subconsciously red-pen everything you read.

    Oh my god..... All of the above apply......
  2. sounds to familiar
  3. You know what the worst bit about that list is?

    I am now an ex-soldier and at least 75% of that lot still applies.

    Sad sad..
  4. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    I think you speak for all off us there Knocker :wink:
  5. You know what you have done now knocker

    Youve just wrote a Walt handbook for all of those wannabee squaddies out there. They'll be putting this on ebay and revising it for there next outings.

    As said though Mrs Iron says i DO majority of the above stuff, i put it as old age but it must just be squaddie blood. Id get copyright to it ASP. OUT
  6. Saw same on a Facebook group a couple of months back.
  7. I'm not a squaddie but I reckon I match about 75% of those criteria :crazy:
  8. Sh*t thats it, I`m joining.

    How long before above effects take hold. it the same with the TA (just realised how old I am)!
  9. my bold and I am only TA its worse than I thought maybe I should stop doing so many tours
  10. My god Iam beyond redemption even after leaving
  11. And reader I know, I am that sad git so exactingly described...
  12. SO AM I OF 20 YEARS..
  13. Dear God ... is it really THAT obvious?? It's been 18 years since I wore green (and some dpm) and I'm still doing it!! ... No wonder She Who Must Be Obeyed still gets the 'ump about 'bloody army!' :D

    Still ... who wants to be a bog standard civvy anyway??? :p ]

    edit cos I forgot me smilies!
  14. I just read through that....and its me.....oh bugger!!! 8O
  15. I many others on here who toured Far and middle east countries..bang my shoes on the floor before i put them on.

    Lifting the toilet seat before sitting on it to see if anything untoward is lurking.....Old habits die hard.

    Flip flops.....never been without a pair fo 40 yrs

    Still to this day use brown paper to press me trousers and clothes out ready for the morning.