April Fool

I've searched and can't find any specific threads devoted to this so thought this should get a few going. There must be thousands, every unit, every man and it's gerbil must have a story.

I know the Soldier had a good one stating that the army would be going metric and the 9/12th Lancers would be the 0.75 Lancers while the 13/18th Hussars would be the 0.722222222222222222222222222 Hussars.

I was block senior on the Hak and a neighbour grabbed me on the stairs which wasn't bad but she told me that the army was banning smoking in married quarters. I don't think I'd twigged what day it was but then the penny dropped. She was desperate and had smoked herself half to death worrying about it.

A Sunday duty, I hate Sunday duties, see sparky I got them as well. At least we realised what the day was so half the regiment was dragged up to supposedly clean their gats. Can't remember who the duty sergeant was, big guy, REME, not Tiny but big and I mean big, Gav sounds familiar, could be wrong.

Duty sergeant disappeared to where duty sergeants only know, hoped that 5 Heavy's RSM would jump out on him. He got flattened before, another REME, that could have been Tiny. So left on my own with the duty driver and the phone goes.
"This is the ADC of some fcuking bigwig" He didn't say that but I've forgotten who it was
"I'm ringing to confirm that fcuking bigwig will be picked up tomorrow" Looked out to blue skies and quite a nice day except that I was on duty and it was Sunday and it was April 1st and I was getting suspicious. He went on about wanting to confirm but I told him still politely that it wasn't fcuking Hertz Rental and I couldn't actually ask the pilot as I didn't know who he was and the bweather was fine here and it was nice to know it was snowing in Munchinggladbits. So I finally got rid of the ADC or whatever the fcuk he was, I was only half sure it was ca wind up but something told me to be careful.

The following morning we woke up to snow. Not Polish pigeon fancier crushing amounts or Bavarian Lidl amounts but a good dusting. The duty driver was despatched to push the snow around with the totally inadequate snowplough on the tractor. It was who got bored first the snow or the duty driver.

Later that day I was informed that the ADC had complimented me on my telephone manner and whether the fcuking bigwig got picked up, I don't know and I don't care. So a warning I think, I almost, really almost told him to fcuk off.
Nolan Sisters used in IRA propaganda plot.

A former senior IRA figure writing in An Phoblacht has divulged a plot which ran from the sixties until the signing of the Good Friday Agreement. Michaereighannnin Dhmorerghaheneain (Bert Smith) writes that IRA cells infiltrated the light entertainment industry with a view to promoting the Irish identity and the Irish ethos with a view to converting those sick of the violence in the north and in the UK to supporting the cause and the ultimate goal of a thirty-two county united Ireland.

"We had songwriters and record producers, so we did and they had infiltrated into the very heart of the industry, so they had. We first tried with Val Doonican, so we did but he was too boring so he was. We tried covert messages in his jumpers so we did and even his rocking chair was spelling out the letters I-R-A in Morse so it was but it was almost entirely wasted as only a handful picked up on it, so they did and the plan was dropped so it was."

He went on to say that various artistes were targeted but stressed that no artistes had any knowledge of the plot and that all political activities were carried out by loyal cell members for the benefit of the cause. Artistes such as Phil Lynnott were suggested but he was troubled enough himself and very seldom sober. Gary Moore was only interested in the Blues and this particular part of the music industry was hard to infiltrate as they were proper musicians and actually did write their own material from time to time.

"We knew about the Nolan Sisters so we did. There had been a breeding programme going for years, so there was and despite the older ugly one, we decided to push them into the public eye so we did. The time was ready so it was and we put our song writing team on red alert so we did. The song writing teams were at full stretch so they were and hundreds of songs were rejected so they were. They were just too good so they were. Then the song writing team came up with the perfect song so they did. 'I'm in the mood for dancing' was perfect so it was. It was so bad that everybody loved it so they did. We did a test in the north so we did and it was perfect so it was. The dance floor emptied of men so it did but the women were really enthusiastic so they were and we'd never seen so many handbags being danced round so we hadn't."

He added that the plan was ready to hit the UK mainland and the test in the north had proved that by targeting the female population, the male population became uneasy and therefore more receptive to any distraction, an ideal state of mind to get the political message across. The problem was just how to get across the message across.

"We decided that the Nolan Sisters would become stars and worked hard to push them into the limelight so we did. The breeding programme had been put on hold so it had, it seemed that we had produced the ideal propaganda machine so it did but spares were already ready to swell the Nolan's line so they were. We had also decided to target the female population directly so we had and the breeding programme was producing males who could also be moulded into a propaganda machine so it did and we called them a boy band so we did. The boy band would never really see the success like that of the Nolans so it wouldn't. The changing times set the emphasis on propaganda at a very low level so it did and all activities were ceased on the signing of the Good Friday Agreement so they were."

A military intelligence officer was quoted as saying:
"We knew all about the Nolans and them being manipulated by Republicans. It was a dirty war, where do you think Daniel O'Donnell came from. We had to have an answer and here it was the perfect retaliation. He was guaranteed to put anybody off anything Irish for life; we had our own propaganda machine. We had been monitoring various areas regarding the Nolans but it was really only in NAAFI that we saw any real effect there female soldiers would dance, it was amazing, almost trance like. We did instruct all NAAFI personnel to replace Nolan Sister records with something more appropriate but a black market had opened up and there was no shortage of Nolan Sisters fans or Nolan Sisters dealers."

He continued:
"We had held back with Daniel O'Donnell but were forced to push him forward. He wasn't really ready, a team of knitters had been producing sweaters and a special house was built so he could invite fans to tea. I would like to say that the episode of Father Ted that spoofed Daniel was quite accurate and very funny but Daniel was a creation and he was perfect in every way. Let's just say there was nothing missing, he couldn't sing but he was perfect. The Good Friday Agreement which we helped draft was the turning point and from then on the propaganda machines could stand on their own feet and I'm proud to see Daniel is still going and even a Nolan or two is still in the public eye. That's what they deserve, they were created for that."

Michaereighannnin Dhmorerghaheneain when asked if he would do the same thing again replied "It was fun so it was, it was politics so it was, it was war so it was but I'm proud of our achievements so I am."
But when asked if he ever listened to the Nolan Sisters he replied "They were a creation so they were and in a war, sacrifices have to be made so they do and maybe given a few years we could have created somebody who could really sing so we could but they did us proud so they did"
Mr_Deputy said:
what about the female pop group The Corrs* then?
Standing-only tickets at a concert meant fans were 'standing up for the Corrs.'

* 'The Cause' for anyone who has been dropped on their head anytime betwen birth and now.
Would they be the Provisional Corrs or the Continuity Coors ?
Mr_Deputy said:
what about the female pop group The Corrs* then?
Standing-only tickets at a concert meant fans were 'standing up for the Corrs.'

* 'The Cause' for anyone who has been dropped on their head anytime betwen birth and now.
Yeh I did think about them but not for long. When I lived in NI they were every little good Catholic girl's hero or heroine. Played fiddly-dee music but now are mainstream crud and quite respectable or so they think. What about the Dubliners? I couldn't fit them all in.
Would they be the Provisional Corrs or the Continuity Coors ? I wished I'd thought of that one , nice one olangapo. I bow to your superior sarcasm.
I suppose I could have posted this in a few different forums but I did leave AETW in April and the OC was a fool so it just seemed appropriate or almost appropriate.

After my lengthy absence from AETW, I was a marked man. On an cross country run where we had to turn , some wise bastrad would shout out "That includes you S*******" Of course I can see the funny side now but it was becoming a bit of a pain, still I'd made my own bed so I had to lie on it. I did get caught going through the hangar doors at AETW which doesn't seem like a serious offence, it doesn't seem like an offence at all but the stupid OC had some bee in his bonnet about these particular doors so I was privileged to spend a few more days on ROPs.

At this time my father became ill, I think it was the pishing razor blades type ill so not deadly serious but we were all worried about him. Also and of course much less important, it was my girlfriend's birthday and she was having a party to celebrate the fact I wasn't there so I was slightly keen to attend said function. Being a reformed character or doing impressions of a reformed character, I approached the CSM and was invited in to see Major whatever his name was but the fcuking idiot I mentioned earlier and I laid my cards on the table. Getting over the shock he told me he would see what he could do.

Later on I was informed that this was not grounds for compassionate leave but he had rung the hospital where my father was and enquired how things were. According to him my father was fine, hunky dory, fit as a flea and raring to go and he had passed on my concerns and my father had passed on his best wishes. I was relieved that things weren't as bad as I'd thought but knowing this officer quite well I had the feeling he was lying like a cheap NAAFI watch and there was still the matter of my girlfriend's party to sort out. Thought I might be able to kill two hamsters with one brick but it looked as though it would be all down to me to sort things out.

A few days later and at end of play that day I legged it up to the mainroad still in rig and started the journey to Watford. I was in the hospital three hours later. Had a talk with my father, enquired if the OC had actually rung and was told that he knew nothing of it. Asked all the nursing staff present and they had not received a phonecall either so just conmfirmed what I had previously thought. Satisfied my father was ok and desperate to get to the girlfriend's party I made my excuses and headed off into the Hertfordshirre sticks.

The party was fine, nothing spectacular. I didn't have a card or a present but hoped I could give her something in lieu. Spent the night and woke at three thirty for four and eventually left walking the four miles to civilization or Hunton Bridge to get back to camp. Extremely lucky, got some good lifts and was dropped off by the pad's naafi at 07.20. Made my way to the block and resumed the usual daily bollox that constituted AETW.

Saw the OC that day and he told me he had rung my father again and that things were ok now and wasn't I glad that I'd left things in his capable hands and the army is a big family that looks after it's family members and he was so glad I was a reformed character and this was the start of a new me and he hoped to see me progress into a model soldier and on and on........................

I thanked him for his efforts and walked off muttering "Lying bastrad" under my breath and was certain that there is the one and only way and that's MY WAY.
Not really an April Fool but a prank that went seriously wrong and the one who instigated it, got it in the end. Yes me!

Again, it's 652 Sqn's FI tour and I was duty driver. The SNCO was Paff P******, so not a bad duty, Paff was seriously ok. Maybe not as good as Colin M who bought me a case of Carlsberg (unopened) as we were missing the happy hour. It's not usual for a SNCO to be so considerate to his duty driver and it was appreciated and the case of Carlsberg though not quite finished had a serious hole in it by morning. But this was a usual working day if such a thing was possible at Murray Heights.

The evenings entertainment as a duty driver or SNCO was totally dead and could be even quieter if you re-routed all the calls to where Buster was reading his bible. During the day the daytime duty driver would pick up videos to try and entertain those who were resident in the evening. Paff had asked me not to pick any horror videos as he was shite scared of horror films so I asked the daytime duty driver to pick at least one juicy horror film. Can't remember what he came back with but the Amityville Horror sounds familiar but don't ask me which version.

So we settled down for the evening, watched the videos and I was slightly disappointed as Paff hadn't been as scared as I'd hoped and it all seemed a bit of a waste of time. I thought he was pulling my pisher but he was generally scared of horror films, so much for the Amityville Horror version whatever. So it was almost time to retire and I did the rounds and just had to refill the generator before we could hit the sack and dream we were somewhere else. I walked into the LAD building and along the corridor and was just level with the crewroom when I felt something rubbing my leg and it seemed to be creeping higher and higher. I let out an "oh you fcuker" or something equally poetic and returning to the corridor floor spotted the cat Tripod rushing down the corridor.

My heart was racing but fortunately my grundies remained clean but only just and I took a couple of minutes to steady myself before bimbling back to see Paff and tell him all about it. After a good fifteen minutes when he had finally stopped laughing he did remind me that the generator still needed refilling and it couldn't be left until morning, the bastrad he was enjoying this. So I nervously went out to the generator with a torch which I wished had been a nightsun as it was pitch black and every sound got my over imaginative imagination going and my heart was still racing and Paff laughed his fcuking head off again when I came back.

Tripod was a regular visitor to the crewroom. Some evil twisted bastrad had pulled its leg off, hence the Tripod but it was a friendly thing and sometimes did more work at the squadron than we did but was usually there at naafi break for any handouts. It had just come to see if anybody was there and had seen me and just rubbed my leg, shame I hadn't seen it first. It did come back so no harm done and my heart was seriously tested so I don't think I have a weak heart. I was always very careful with any future practical jokes, I had proof they can backfire and oh how we laughed, even me.

Not strictly an April Fool but worth a look, hope this hasn't been posted before. Good to see that Taliban United FC have a link.

Who was the tall lanky Colin somethingorother (greenie I think) who arrived at 654 the same time as NIpper (ish). Geordie, curly hair.

Or am I thinking of 3 flight in '86

Brain in rack mode at this very minute but no recollections of a Colin, could have been known by a nickname and not the obvious Geordie. Knew somebody fitting the description at 71. Him and another used to loiter round the pads naafi looking for bored pad's wives, yep classic sniper tactics. Nipper was already a tiff by then. I'll keep racking and I'll let you know if I have a brainstorm.
I was at Wallop not toomany moons ago,doing one of those there apache courses. Someone on our course,wish it had been me, convinced the crow that MGS dogs held rank and furthermore if a dog had pips on its collar it was to be saluted in the usual manner. I never saw anyone saluting a dog but i'm sure someone somewhere has!!!
Seppi, I heard something similar when I was there and it wasn't new then, just new to us. Saluting cars, officer's waste bins, Volvos, firemen, it was just a way of making you look a prat. Of course in the FI you had to salute the gov's taxi. Salute a taxi, do you think I was born yersterday? Go to London and salute yourself to death. Yeh right!

Never saw anybody saluting a dog? There was that fat WRAC Major that loitered outside the WRAC block and caught us bimbling down to AETW. Salute to the left, up two three, bring out your dead two three, down two three, laugh two three.
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