APPROPRIATE ANSWERPHONE MESSAGES

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by royalmile, Sep 21, 2006.

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  1. Apologies if you have seen this before, but I was sent this from a mucker in Main Building this morning. IMHO pretty close to the truth:

    "ARMY VOICEMAIL MESSAGE"

    "Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afganistan., Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo and marching up and down bits of tarmac in
    London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

    A: If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
    B: If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.)
    C: If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

    Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength!!) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls
    off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your origanal terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line.
    Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

    Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army."
     
  2. all ready got it.
     
  3. RoyalMile,

    Have a look at Jokes page 3 may give you a clue where yer mate got this pearl of wisdom from...............
     
  4. RE lad on the RAF camp where we work has:

    hello **** cannot come to the phone right now leave a message after the beep UNLESS you are a CRAB then you can just feck off !!!!!


    quality.
     
  5. "WHAT??? Oh by the way, If you are some tele sales cnut Fcuk off!"

    My Old mans. So proud!