Apparantly, you shouldnt shave your arsespider...

#1
Taken from a games forum, it amused me greatly...

I think the first paragraph wasn't such a good idea to post, especcially as the poster happens to be male. :roll:


I recently discovered that I have anal hair, which has caused many problems with... stuff. I found this helpful article for any of those that are sharing my problem.


Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my $@!-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my $@! of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My $@! was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic !@#$- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky !@#$/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my $@! off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering !@#$/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my $@! cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own !@#$ blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my $@! at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for $@!-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your $@! having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR $@!-HAIR!
 
#2
Squiggers said:
Taken from a games forum, it amused me greatly...

I think the first paragraph wasn't such a good idea to post, especcially as the poster happens to be male. :roll:


I recently discovered that I have anal hair, which has caused many problems with... stuff. I found this helpful article for any of those that are sharing my problem.


Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my $@!-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my $@! of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My $@! was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic !@#$- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky !@#$/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my $@! off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering !@#$/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my $@! cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own !@#$ blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my $@! at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for $@!-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your $@! having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR $@!-HAIR!
HAHAHAHAHA! :D good one.
 
#3
I beleive this peice of literature is worthy to belong in the 'now thats what i call arrse' forum, if not for sheer creativity it was the fecking length, i proud moment for one and all.
 
#4
Hmm, maybe if i get enough posts saying i should... :LOL:
 
#5
Donkey-Spanker said:
Squiggers said:
Hmm, maybe if i get enough posts saying i should... :LOL:
...and if no-one notices that it was posted a few months ago...
Shush you. :roll:
 
#6
That made my day! My kids have just asked what's so funny. They hear EVRYTHING damn it. I just mumbled something about a lost gerbil and they didn't bat an eyelid.
 
#8
Outstanding post! Tears rolling down cheeks etc --- er, facial cheeks I hasten to add.... :lol:
 
#12
Donkey-Spanker said:
Squiggers said:
Hmm, maybe if i get enough posts saying i should... :LOL:

Dont do it. Ive never gone as far as to shave my ARRSE hair off but i do recall a time where i thought it would be clever idea to shave my nuts. The memories bring tears to my eyes. First all seemed fine, it was nice having a breeze like a summers day wafting through my never regions, then came the rash, the dreaded rash where the hair started to grow back, i've never had to scratch my crotch like a chimp fishing for lice before, and i must have looked like i'd taken on a"legion of super crabs" as some geriatric said to me while trying to inconspicuously rub my lunchbox in morrisons. "I've got something you could have that'd sort the problem out" she says as her husband looks on in disbelief. I walked away like John Wayne and proceeded to hide away in my flat till the hair grew back. Not one of my cleverest ideas i must admit!

NEVER AGAIN!

:D
 

Attachments

#13
INFIDEL65 said:
Dont do it. Ive never gone as far as to shave my ARRSE hair off but i do recall a time where i thought it would be clever idea to shave my nuts. The memories bring tears to my eyes. First all seemed fine, it was nice having a breeze like a summers day wafting through my never regions, then came the rash, the dreaded rash where the hair started to grow back, i've never had to scratch my crotch like a chimp fishing for lice before, and i must have looked like i'd taken on a"legion of super crabs" as some geriatric said to me while trying to inconspicuously rub my lunchbox in morrisons. "I've got something you could have that'd sort the problem out" she says as her husband looks on in disbelief. I walked away like John Wayne and proceeded to hide away in my flat till the hair grew back. Not one of my cleverest ideas i must admit!

NEVER AGAIN!

:D
You really don't get laid much, do you? :D Nether mind....
 
#14
INFIDEL65 said:
Donkey-Spanker said:
Squiggers said:
Hmm, maybe if i get enough posts saying i should... :LOL:

Dont do it. Ive never gone as far as to shave my ARRSE hair off but i do recall a time where i thought it would be clever idea to shave my nuts. The memories bring tears to my eyes. First all seemed fine, it was nice having a breeze like a summers day wafting through my never regions, then came the rash, the dreaded rash where the hair started to grow back, i've never had to scratch my crotch like a chimp fishing for lice before, and i must have looked like i'd taken on a"legion of super crabs" as some geriatric said to me while trying to inconspicuously rub my lunchbox in morrisons. "I've got something you could have that'd sort the problem out" she says as her husband looks on in disbelief. I walked away like John Wayne and proceeded to hide away in my flat till the hair grew back. Not one of my cleverest ideas i must admit!

NEVER AGAIN!

:D
killed it
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#17
Personally I would disagree with the above statements made so far. I am a firm believer and advocate of the well kempt cleft and associated territories. After a few years experimenting with various styles of topiary, now I tend to op for a well trimmed but not entirely clean shaven affair. Smart but functional if you will, much like a Barbour jacket, nothing too flashy but timelessly stylish and usable in most situations.

If there are any young and good looking lady arrsers out there who require some guidance in this, I would be more than happy to assist. I have my own clippers.
 
#18
The mem sahib likes to keep her nether regions hair free and goes for the complete wax including the Arrse valley. She says that having the bum done is most undignified as she has to lay on her back with knees up to chest and slightly parted; great if you want to light your own farts but a bit embarrassing when a spotty youth is waxing your bits.

Her young beautician tells her that more and more men are coming for a 'Back, Sack and Crack', it being all the rage amongst the younger generation, especially bodybuilders apparently.
 
#19
Markintime said:
The mem sahib likes to keep her nether regions hair free and goes for the complete wax including the Arrse valley. She says that having the bum done is most undignified as she has to lay on her back with knees up to chest and slightly parted; great if you want to light your own farts but a bit embarrassing when a spotty youth is waxing your bits.

Her young beautician tells her that more and more men are coming for a 'Back, Sack and Crack', it being all the rage amongst the younger generation, especially bodybuilders apparently.
Clearly I entered the wrong industry after leaving the mob.
Twenty Eight fcuking years wasted in the building trade...
Damn.
Damn.
and thrice Damn.
:crying:



I wonder if it's too late to retrain...
 
#20
BarkingSpider said:
Markintime said:
The mem sahib likes to keep her nether regions hair free and goes for the complete wax including the Arrse valley. She says that having the bum done is most undignified as she has to lay on her back with knees up to chest and slightly parted; great if you want to light your own farts but a bit embarrassing when a spotty youth is waxing your bits.

Her young beautician tells her that more and more men are coming for a 'Back, Sack and Crack', it being all the rage amongst the younger generation, especially bodybuilders apparently.
Clearly I entered the wrong industry after leaving the mob.
Twenty Eight fcuking years wasted in the building trade...
Damn.
Damn.
and thrice Damn.
:crying:



I wonder if it's too late to retrain...
Ha! You don't fool me, it's the bodybuilders you're going for isn't it?
 

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