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Anyone who's dealt with NTL will enjoy this

#1
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
I also had some less than pleasant dealings with NTL - they insisted on having 3 different bills with 3 different standing orders for their 3-in-1 package!
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#2
Aye my mother is being continually harrassed by a bunch of spotty 16 year olds re an NTL account I cancelled for her TWO years ago.

It is now in the hands of her soliciters.

cnuts.
 
#3
Benjamin.....

As the account holder, the only person who can cancel your Mum's account, is your Mum! No notice of cancellation can be taken from anybody else.

Due to the Data Protection Act, you shouldn't even be able to access her account, Benjamin, unless of course, she has given you authorisation,.... but you still wouldn't be able to disconnect the account.

Now how do I know this? :roll: :wink:
 
#6
Funny thing is I have had a NTL 3in1 account for over 3 years. I get 1 invoice a month, and other than the odd downtime & speed issue of my Broadband Connection via my Set-Top Box (Not Modem) I have had little problems with them. I moved house last may, and they re-connected me on the day of the move at no charge.

Someone has to be happy! Sorry
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#8
BriteGirlie said:
Benjamin.....

As the account holder, the only person who can cancel your Mum's account, is your Mum! No notice of cancellation can be taken from anybody else.

Due to the Data Protection Act, you shouldn't even be able to access her account, Benjamin, unless of course, she has given you authorisation,.... but you still wouldn't be able to disconnect the account.

Now how do I know this? :roll: :wink:
I "helped" my mother cancel the a/c by writing down what she should write and/or say on the phone.
 
#9
Oddly we have few problems with our NTL connection, it dies occsaoinally, but itis rare to say the least.

I'm pissed off at 3, i installed some software on my PC, now it no longer recognises USB ports...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
 
#10
A quick "my sister's called rachael" moment I admit, but :-

Notice how Primey is allowed to link to the nitro-net forums in his profile here, & they wouldn't even allow the smallest hint of a link to ARRSE (let alone ultimate farce) on their site.


TTFN

BFG
 
#12
Now those who know me, know I am a calm and rational person but after the council cut through my NTL cable line at the weekend, I promptly phoned their customer service department to get it reconnected. They don't work weekends, the cnuts.


0800 Monday I am on the phone and placed on hold for 20 mins. When the arrogant little shite that answered the phone told me that I would be charged £50 for the privellege of reconnection and it would be two days before anyone came out. I lost it. I can see my old WO from the parade ground with a tear of pride in his eye.

Worried cries of calm down please weree coming from the other end, worsed when he told me there were no managers in at that time. I almost felt sorry for the wee barsteward NOT!

But never fear the fish is back!
 
#13
You wonder why it's calledd NTL?

Nasty Twisted Liars.

Whats worse is It's just to expensive to switch to BT, and NTL are the cheapest around.

(Although intrestingly they still ahve me at my old address from 3 year's ago (I've moved twice since then), and my name's wrong.

Yet my bil larives at my address in my name perfectly every month, odd that.
 
#14
i'm with telewest who i believe are actually the same people, but what amuses me about that letter is the "annoying robot scottish woman" cos whenever i've had to ring them, its been an irritatingly chirpy geordie bloke!
 
#15
Thank god it's not just me and Mrs C who have had to deal with those cnuts at NTL.

Before we got hitched, I was living the single life in Bulford in a room that came complete with NTL phoneline. 'Aha!' I thought, 'I'll be cunning and get NTLworld as well - and save money!'

(Please don't start laughing yet)

After being told that the technician bloke would be round the following MOnday, I asked for the afternoon off so I could RV with him at the mess. No show. Or the next day. Or the next day. After spending most of the 4th day in a phone queue, I re-arranged the tech bloke, who eventually arrived 3 hours late. 'Sorry mate - I thought it was the other Bulford.'

Once connected, I started to receive bills for calls I never made, and bills for Internet Broadband I didn't have. Suffice to say that once hitched, I moved from NTL to BT in our new MQ - and cancelled all the NTL stuff accordingly. When they asked why, I expalined and told them I was going back to BT. I also asked if my NTLworld account would still work - it's only a phone number after all. 'Of course it will, Sir' said the smug little NTL peon.

Once in the palatial residence that is Chez Calypso, I discovered (painfully over the course of 6 weeks) that:

a. NTL hadn't cancelled my phone account - and I kept getting bills.

b. NTLworld doesn't work if you don't have an NTL phone line. 'That's pretty obvious Sir' quoth a different NTL peon.

c. If you threaten NTL with a bad faith lawsuit, they will back down instantly and cancel any outstanding bills.

I would rather rely on carrier pigeons then ever go with NTL again.
 
#16
Calypso said:
Thank god it's not just me and Mrs C who have had to deal with those cnuts at NTL.

Before we got hitched, I was living the single life in Bulford in a room that came complete with NTL phoneline. 'Aha!' I thought, 'I'll be cunning and get NTLworld as well - and save money!'

(Please don't start laughing yet)

After being told that the technician bloke would be round the following MOnday, I asked for the afternoon off so I could RV with him at the mess. No show. Or the next day. Or the next day. After spending most of the 4th day in a phone queue, I re-arranged the tech bloke, who eventually arrived 3 hours late. 'Sorry mate - I thought it was the other Bulford.'

Once connected, I started to receive bills for calls I never made, and bills for Internet Broadband I didn't have. Suffice to say that once hitched, I moved from NTL to BT in our new MQ - and cancelled all the NTL stuff accordingly. When they asked why, I expalined and told them I was going back to BT. I also asked if my NTLworld account would still work - it's only a phone number after all. 'Of course it will, Sir' said the smug little NTL peon.

Once in the palatial residence that is Chez Calypso, I discovered (painfully over the course of 6 weeks) that:

a. NTL hadn't cancelled my phone account - and I kept getting bills.

b. NTLworld doesn't work if you don't have an NTL phone line. 'That's pretty obvious Sir' quoth a different NTL peon.

c. If you threaten NTL with a bad faith lawsuit, they will back down instantly and cancel any outstanding bills.

I would rather rely on carrier pigeons then ever go with NTL again.
1. You don't need a technician to install ntlworld,...... it's just a disc which is installed in the same manner as any 'dial up' disc is installed. Broadband, on the other hand, needs to be installed.

2. ntlworld does work on BT lines,..... but you have to have some kind of adaptor which will then allow you to make up to £10 in free calls per month (this is chargeable as far as I know - around £10 last time I was advised on this)

c. If you threaten NTL with a bad faith lawsuit, they will back down instantly and cancel any outstanding bills.
Unless of course you receive a call from me........ :D
 
#17
In case you haven't figured it, Brite Girlie is an NTL customer rep :D

Ring them up and ask to speak to the old geordie bird with the drink problem and voila, you have a one to one with BG.

I suggest shouting and swearing down the phone to her, really really loudly, this is the best way to get results.

If you get bored, get her to talk dirty to you, then you can chuck one out whilst complaining about their sh1t service.
 
#18
Aunty Stella said:
In case you haven't figured it, Brite Girlie is an NTL customer rep :D
I'm definitely not a customer rep! :roll:

Ring them up and ask to speak to the old geordie bird with the drink problem and voila, you have a one to one with BG.
I'm definitely not a geordie.... and the only problem I have with alcohol, is that I don't drink enough! :roll:

I suggest shouting and swearing down the phone to her, really really loudly, this is the best way to get results.
They do that anyway,..... I'm immune to it! :wink:

If you get bored, get her to talk dirty to you, then you can chuck one out whilst complaining about their sh1t service.
No, they can only do that on my 0898 number! :D
 

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