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any good jokes??bang em on here!

#1
matthew kelly is takeing the family on holiday to florida,
the wifes going to oralando, hes going to tamper with the kids!!.        made me laugh anyway!!.

heres another:
 the bee-gees are moving to cornwall, as they want to see morris danceing again!!.


anymore gents??????/
 
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Guest
#2
REME Air Techs


They're all a frickin joke


Bite Me BAT'S

We'll see who has the first ND in the sand........
 
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Guest
#5
A farmer in Texas has found a burnt penis in his field.................turned out to be a shuttle c0ck ;D
 
#6
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"That's the talking clock" the drunk replied.

"How does it work?" they asked.

"Watch" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound
with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For fcuk's sake you ******, it's ten past three in the morning!".

Boom-Boom !!  Can you tell I've nothing better to do?
 
#7
And again.....

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."


Frank Carson, eat yer heart out !!
 
#9
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
 
#11
;D This bloke gets into a lift. Just as the doors are closing a very atractive lady gets in and the lift starts to go up.

The guy looks her up and down and after a short while says

" can I smell your fanny? "

" NO YOU CANNOT " she answers sternly.

" Oh well, it must be your feet then "

Wiz ::)
 
#12
A Bloke wakes up and sees that hes got a gorrilla in his apple tree.  Wondering how to get rid of it, he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, find a gorrilla removal specialist.

He calls him up and the spacialist asks

" Is it male or female?"

" Male" the man answers.

Good; Ill be there in 10 mins.

The specialist bloke tips up with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a chihuaua dog and a shotgun, that he stuffs in the mans hands.

The man asks, "What are you gonna do then?"

The specialist says " I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorrilla with the stick.  It'll fall down and the dog will bite its bollocks off. It will drop its hands to protect what is left of its parts and I'll slip on the handcuffs - done"

The man asks "Why do I hold the shotgun?"

The specialist says

" Cos if I fall out of the tree - Shoot the Fu*#in Dog."
 
#16
An essex girl walks into a sex shop and asks the assistant if they have any vibrators, "yes", he replies, "please choose one from our selection on the wall", after a few minutes diliberation she says, "i'll take the red one please", "I'm sorry, thats a fire extinguisher" replies the bemused assistant.
 
#17
Moral Dilemma !

You are the President of the U.S.A. and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will wipe out their entire country.

It is scheduled to hit at about 2.30 in the morning in just two days time from now.

You have enough ships and military personnel nearby to evacuate them safely, but they are on stand-by in case of war with Iraq

Your dilemma...
.

...do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?
 
#18
George and Tony fell out over the re-build of Iraq at Hillsborough. Jack Straw and Colin Powell tell them to both go for a walk in the local park to cool off.

Tony finds himself on a river bank and sees George on the opposite side. Deciding to re-start talks, Tony shouts over " George..how do i get to the other side?"

George W looks up and down the river..looks at Tony and says..." You are on the other side!"

Is there any other reason why we are pulling out at the rush? ???
 

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