Any funny Jokes

Discussion in 'REME' started by DeeMee(A), Jan 18, 2007.

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  1. Anyone got any funny jokes/ditties that pokes fun at the Corps? To start the ball rolling here's one from me:

    A REME Battalion and a civvi company decide to have a canoe race on the Thames.
    Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the civvies won by a mile.
    The REME team, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion was the civvies had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the REME team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
    So REME management formed an Action Team and spent a large amount of Man Hours to get a second opinion.
    The Action Team advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
    To prevent another loss to the civvies, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering commanders, 3 area steering 2ICs and 1 assistant deputy steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ' Rowing Team Quality First Program' , with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra time off for practices and bonuses.
    The next year the civvies won by two miles.
    Humiliated, the REME management laid off the rower for poor performance, were all promoted, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Management as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
  2. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of
    evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
    animals!" he said to himself.
    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He
    turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he
    could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He
    ran even faster, so scared that tears were
    coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
    His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell
    to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of
    him: reaching for him with his left paw and
    raising his right paw to strike him.
    At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.
    Even the river stopped moving.
    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my
    existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation
    to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
    count you as a believer?"
    The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly
    ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a
    "Very well," the voice said.
    The light went out.
    The river ran again.
    And the sounds of the forest resumed.
    And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head
    and spoke:
    "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
  3. i am obviously an outsider, cos i dont get the REME connection in that atheist one no matter how hard i look :D
  4. Well as the the thread was going no wear i just thought id post some thing to help it along.
  5. An oldie but a goodie!

    Three Rsms (SAS, Para and REME) are chatting and obviously the subject of "hardness" is brought up. The Para razzman barks an order to a couple of his Toms, they deftly sprint over, pick up the SAS RSM, they then run, carrying the RSM stretcher race style to the top of a nearby hill. These two Para privates then proceed to individually bench press the SAS RSM 100 times.
    They then double back to their respective boss, place their "extra weight" down next to his peers without a single hair on his head being out of place, to which the Para RSM stated "Now, that's what you call HARD!" in reponse the SAS RSM beckons one of his troopers across to him and then they contrive an idea, after which the trooper saunters off only to be seen two minutes later with the two Para Toms strapped to his back, running up and down this afore mentioned hill and upon reaching the top would blast out a 100 marine-style press ups with his burden still on his back. This went on for four hours. uphill, downhill, press-ups, press-ups until everyone was totally overawed with the stamina and endurance of this sole trooper. At this point the SAS RSM
    proudly beamed while saying "Now that's what you call HARD!" So the REME RSM shouts across to one of his recy mechs who replies with a two fingered salute and a "Fcuk off!" To which the REME RSM turns to the other two senior NCOs saying "No gentlemen, THAT's what you call FCUKING HARD!"
    I still love that one.
  6. Management:
    An officer flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

    "Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," responded the officer.

    "I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the officer, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

    Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a officer."

    "That I am" replied the officer, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault!"
  7. Not really REME jokes but some of these are quality :)

    Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
    school diploma to fix one.

    Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely
    in our jobs.

    After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
    sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

    The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
    then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and
    the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last:

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
  8. Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

    Babe Ruth

    An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

    Ernest Hemingway

    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

    Paul Hornung

    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
    I think not.

    H.L. Mencken

    When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

    George Bernard Shaw

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

    Benjamin Franklin

    Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
    the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

    Dave Barry

    Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.

    W.C. Fields

    Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

    Professor Irwin Corey

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!

    Leo Durocher

    And the number one reason to drink beer......One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm...

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
    slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
    speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
    the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
    brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
  9. alb

    alb Clanker

    Even REME Kids are in the top 10%:
    I had to take my four year old son to Pre School last week which I don’t often get the chance to do. One day I turned up early to collect him and stood at the classroom door observing what the teacher was doing. The teacher showed all the kids a picture of something and they had to say what it was. As she progressed through the pictures it was evident my son new most of the items. As I stood proud as punch at the door my expression suddenly went from pleasure to pain. As the teacher held up a picture of an anchor he shouted out” it’s an anchor miss”. He then paused for a few seconds and said “My dad says his boss is an anchor”.