Any cock ups you'd like to admit to

With help of fil we pulled the plugs and blew the oil out using compression turning the engine over. When it did finally start **** me did it smoke

Yep, that's what I did. Redex all over the inside of the bonnet and slam panel as I spun the engine over. Turned out the lad had been pouring the Redex into the carb, opening the throttle until it "went away" and repeated this until he ran out of Redex.

Like you said, Biblical smoke. One of the neighbours came out to see what was going on, he thought the car was on fire.
 

jinxy

LE
I know someone who did that with a Fiesta, except it was Redex and not oil. Filled up the bores, and the carburettor too, just to finish the bottle. Hydraulic lock ensued.
I worked with an American AirTrooper (**** knoes why he was in the British Army) I caught him putting battery acid in the radiator of a landrover, on further investigation, he had put OMD in the gear box and rear axle and OEP in the engine. I have known some prats in my time but he was the biggest.
 
One of my esteemed* former U.D.R.** colleagues had a Capri, and fancied himself a bit of a driver. There is a very twisty country road near where we both lived, indeed it used to be a stage on The Circuit of Ireland Rally.

One night, Mr Capri was giving it the beans down said road, overcooked it, climbed a small grass verge and clouted a tree, not too hard.

He pulled out the bent front panels by attaching a tow rope to the valance and the other end to the gatepost at his mother's house. Gatepost came out of the ground, but the car was sorta fixed, and driveable.

So, that night, he decided to have another go at the switchback-infested road. Ran out of talent again at the SAME point in the road, and yup, he hit the SAME tree. Properly this time, got it slap-bag with the middle of the car, right on the Ford badge.

I (stupidly) agreed to tow him home with my Dad's Rover, reminding him to keep the tension in the tow rope. He hit the back of my Dad's car.

*when I say "esteemed", I mean "arsewipe"

** He'd previously been in the R.E.M.E.
 
Last edited:

jinxy

LE
We all fek up at times, there used to be a night club about 20 minutes away from Hildeshiem. Thre was an unofficial thing where we would see who could do the route back the fastest. I had the afore mentuned yank with me. MK1 Escort, road was wet, I hit a roundabout at about 50 MPH and did 2 360 spins but ended up going where I needed to. Yank was in the footwell, when we arrived at the camp gate, he was singing my praises, shit man that is the best driving I have ever seen. Me I was shaking like a leaf and as white a a ghost.
 
Yep, that's what I did. Redex all over the inside of the bonnet and slam panel as I spun the engine over. Turned out the lad had been pouring the Redex into the carb, opening the throttle until it "went away" and repeated this until he ran out of Redex.

Like you said, Biblical smoke. One of the neighbours came out to see what was going on, he thought the car was on fire.
"Oh love of my life did you top up the oil for me."
I did indeed no need to thank me.
"I'm not intending to thank you darling."
Oh!!

"I've just been stopped by the fuzz, apparently I was making more smoke than a destroyer avoiding the Bismarck" (quote from the fuzz!!!).
They kindly checked the oil and lo massive overfill.
You are a knobhead!!!!!"

Harsh but fair.
 
I got pulled over by a very friendly bike cop who was concerned about the smoke belching out of my over-two-stroked Yam RD350. His quote was "more smoke than a Polish cement factory"
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
2 motorcycling cock up
My mate conrod 6 feet 7, highly skilled engineer with many many degrees, but not a lot of common

he needed a motorbike, but being a lanky bastard not many fitted, and that could be ridden on L plates
so an MZ supa5 was sourced from darkest Wiltshire and I rode it home
we removed the faring and top box thingy, leaving the panniers and rack
and I serviced it, only thing needing doing was gearbox oil top up, we didnt have any oil, so i said I would pop over after work with some
arrive at his parents house, no MZ ?/
it seems conrod had purchased some oil and done it himself, the buggered off to Glastonbury

A couple of day later I am driving back from a call out around the Edge of Brizzle, and spot a Supa 5 parked on an abandoned petrol station forecourt

noting it away in my mind I go home, eat dinner and relax with the children
Phone rings 9PM
His old man, conrod has broken down, could I go with him to try to recover the bike, perhaps lift it into Mikes Hatchback big ford thingy
yay no worries
so I take a handful of tools, and we drive into Bristol, I tell mike its 500 Yds on the right
he looks at me as if I am the Prophet
sure enough bike is there

had the mong run earlier, it could have been slipped into the works van, and brought home, but he needed to think the problem through !!!

now I am at a loss, and feel I have let them down, as having chosen, and test ridden the machine, and noted the owner was the right sort to buy from, I could not understand why it would fail
So before we dismantle it, I asked him what it was doing
smoking like a bastard and cutting out in traffic ????
aha crankshaft oil seal failed, yet the owner had paid for a new crank and seals recently, unusual ??

I then ask him about the 5 litres of gear oil he purchased ? and what he did
aah he explains full of the confidence of a grammar school education and university training

I took the rubber bung out, and poured oil in through a funnel, then moved it from side to side to get the bubbles out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what about the screw on the side that denoted oil level

Ah yes well I removed the screw and oil dribbled out so I knew it was OK

His dad looking across, knew exactly what was wrong
on the MZ you merely topped it up until the oil came up to the thread , simples

it slowly dawned on our resident genius exactly what he had done

so thinking a bit, I said lets do this
I removed the oil screw and moved it to some waste ground, and let it piss out for 20 minutes
then put the screw back, lobbed in a clean plug and fired it up
Righto conrod
avoid the motorway, use the A38 keep the revs up and it will get you home
and it did
Friends of the Earth are still trying to work out who smoked out somerset and Avon

later on, in his father garage, I popped the engine out and replaced the main oil seals, the pressure had flipped the lip on the left hand one
many many miles were then covered with just the occasional accident , but never a breakdown ever again


Later on, he inherited his Fathers BMW R60/6
he moved a long way away , so we didnt see much of him
any way one day he calls to see us, I notice oil all over the rear wheel
unusual on a beemer
then upon closer inspection I notice the nuts holding the bevel box to the swing arm are loose, and one is missing ??

Yep you guessed it, he wanted to see how the final drive worked, so took it apart !!!!!!!!!!!!

two hours later with new gaskets, new nuts and lockwashers and fresh oil it was safe to ride

he now designs bits for flying machines, big flying machines !
be afraid very afraid

the second story
my mate 12 bellies
rings me up one morning, Bike wont start, wont turn over now, think the starter has jammed
now this bike is as mint Zephyr
the love of his life
I told him to leave it alone in case he did more damage

some months before, he had dropped it when moving it in the garage, caught the lawn mower and dented the unmarked tank !!
I had told him, when he first purchased the house to demolish the wanky garage and let me install a new larger one
anyways, he paid a top firm to refinish the tank and sidepanels to origional spec

I turn up he is still pressing the starter button, and I could smell petrol, I bodily drag him out of the garage
2 other nice new bikes in there

take the keys out, and move it out of the garage and onto the drive, he didnt Want me to put it out the front in case the neighbours saw it ??
I told the daft git they would see the ******* flames as it burnt us to death

battery disconnected carefully and removed

air filter full of petrol
oil level sight glass to the top ????

I remove the air filter
drain the housing
then drain the fuel tank, only to find the daft ******, had put another two gallons in when it wouldnt start !!!!!

and then I remove the oil filler plug and let the petrol piss out
along with the spark plugs and carbs

he was so lucky it didnt go up

The Cause

the vacuum fuel tap had failed ( probably in the painting process when they baked the tank)
he didnt want to pay a mechanic to strip the tank and side panels, and a mechanic would have removed the tap, and blown the tank through with air first

fuel had then trickled out and into the air inlets
He ordered a replacement tap, and the engine oil and filter was replaced along with a carb strip
and a careful check over
see the reg plate though

001.JPG
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2013-06-08 17.09.20.JPG
2013-06-08 17.10.30.JPG
2013-06-08 17.10.42.JPG
2013-06-08 17.12.53.JPG
2013-06-08 17.13.23.JPG
2013-06-08 17.37.58.JPG
2013-06-08 18.37.08.JPG
2013-06-08 18.37.38.JPG
 
2 motorcycling cock up
My mate conrod 6 feet 7, highly skilled engineer with many many degrees, but not a lot of common

he needed a motorbike, but being a lanky bastard not many fitted, and that could be ridden on L plates
so an MZ supa5 was sourced from darkest Wiltshire and I rode it home
we removed the faring and top box thingy, leaving the panniers and rack
and I serviced it, only thing needing doing was gearbox oil top up, we didnt have any oil, so i said I would pop over after work with some
arrive at his parents house, no MZ ?/
it seems conrod had purchased some oil and done it himself, the buggered off to Glastonbury

A couple of day later I am driving back from a call out around the Edge of Brizzle, and spot a Supa 5 parked on an abandoned petrol station forecourt

noting it away in my mind I go home, eat dinner and relax with the children
Phone rings 9PM
His old man, conrod has broken down, could I go with him to try to recover the bike, perhaps lift it into Mikes Hatchback big ford thingy
yay no worries
so I take a handful of tools, and we drive into Bristol, I tell mike its 500 Yds on the right
he looks at me as if I am the Prophet
sure enough bike is there

had the mong run earlier, it could have been slipped into the works van, and brought home, but he needed to think the problem through !!!

now I am at a loss, and feel I have let them down, as having chosen, and test ridden the machine, and noted the owner was the right sort to buy from, I could not understand why it would fail
So before we dismantle it, I asked him what it was doing
smoking like a bastard and cutting out in traffic ????
aha crankshaft oil seal failed, yet the owner had paid for a new crank and seals recently, unusual ??

I then ask him about the 5 litres of gear oil he purchased ? and what he did
aah he explains full of the confidence of a grammar school education and university training

I took the rubber bung out, and poured oil in through a funnel, then moved it from side to side to get the bubbles out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what about the screw on the side that denoted oil level

Ah yes well I removed the screw and oil dribbled out so I knew it was OK

His dad looking across, knew exactly what was wrong
on the MZ you merely topped it up until the oil came up to the thread , simples

it slowly dawned on our resident genius exactly what he had done

so thinking a bit, I said lets do this
I removed the oil screw and moved it to some waste ground, and let it piss out for 20 minutes
then put the screw back, lobbed in a clean plug and fired it up
Righto conrod
avoid the motorway, use the A38 keep the revs up and it will get you home
and it did
Friends of the Earth are still trying to work out who smoked out somerset and Avon

later on, in his father garage, I popped the engine out and replaced the main oil seals, the pressure had flipped the lip on the left hand one
many many miles were then covered with just the occasional accident , but never a breakdown ever again


Later on, he inherited his Fathers BMW R60/6
he moved a long way away , so we didnt see much of him
any way one day he calls to see us, I notice oil all over the rear wheel
unusual on a beemer
then upon closer inspection I notice the nuts holding the bevel box to the swing arm are loose, and one is missing ??

Yep you guessed it, he wanted to see how the final drive worked, so took it apart !!!!!!!!!!!!

two hours later with new gaskets, new nuts and lockwashers and fresh oil it was safe to ride

he now designs bits for flying machines, big flying machines !
be afraid very afraid

the second story
my mate 12 bellies
rings me up one morning, Bike wont start, wont turn over now, think the starter has jammed
now this bike is as mint Zephyr
the love of his life
I told him to leave it alone in case he did more damage

some months before, he had dropped it when moving it in the garage, caught the lawn mower and dented the unmarked tank !!
I had told him, when he first purchased the house to demolish the wanky garage and let me install a new larger one
anyways, he paid a top firm to refinish the tank and sidepanels to origional spec

I turn up he is still pressing the starter button, and I could smell petrol, I bodily drag him out of the garage
2 other nice new bikes in there

take the keys out, and move it out of the garage and onto the drive, he didnt Want me to put it out the front in case the neighbours saw it ??
I told the daft git they would see the ******* flames as it burnt us to death

battery disconnected carefully and removed

air filter full of petrol
oil level sight glass to the top ????

I remove the air filter
drain the housing
then drain the fuel tank, only to find the daft ******, had put another two gallons in when it wouldnt start !!!!!

and then I remove the oil filler plug and let the petrol piss out
along with the spark plugs and carbs

he was so lucky it didnt go up

The Cause

the vacuum fuel tap had failed ( probably in the painting process when they baked the tank)
he didnt want to pay a mechanic to strip the tank and side panels, and a mechanic would have removed the tap, and blown the tank through with air first

fuel had then trickled out and into the air inlets
He ordered a replacement tap, and the engine oil and filter was replaced along with a carb strip
and a careful check over
see the reg plate though

View attachment 607802View attachment 607803View attachment 607804View attachment 607805View attachment 607806View attachment 607807View attachment 607808View attachment 607809View attachment 607810View attachment 607811
Dang! they are tales of woe, cosmic waves of blind fortune and WTF-ness!!
 
Another guy I knew back in the early nineties had a scruffy mark 2 Escort Mexico with a 2 litre pinto in it. He had partially cut slicks on the back on 13" AlleyCats, and RS 4 spokes on the front with cheapo "Courier Steel" tyres. And a VERY leaky diff.

When the inevitable happened, he obliterated a bus stop sign, a bus shelter several yards of hedge, someone's driveway gates and the Nissan Micra parked just behind where they'd be a split-second before. Amazingly, the car stayed right side up throughout.

Changing the diff seal would have been easy after that: the axle was in someone's garden.
 

Awol

LE
I think I may have mentioned this before, but 25 years ago I was living in Belgium and had to go to France for some reason.

In my old, but very trusty Mk 1 Golf, I pulled in at a remote filling station to top up with petrol.

As I pulled in I noticed a pump marked ‘Petrole’ and with my mind obviously miles away I put in half a tank full. Just as I’m putting the pump gun thingy back into it’s holder a little man comes running out of the adjacent house shouting excitedly, pointing at the ‘petrole’ sign and shaking his head vigorously.

I politely tried to tell him that all was good and the car was most definitely not a diesel. He persisted and suddenly the penny dropped when I stuck my nose in the tank and sniffed.




‘Petrole’ meant paraffin.



Whoopsie.
 
Some of you senior twonks will remember back in the sixties many doors had a spring loaded ball bearing that fastened into a recess on the rebate instead of a latch. They used to blow open in the mildest breeze. Anyhoo, me as a frenetic six-year-old came running at full chat up to Nan's two pane glass door fitted with one of these devices and put my arm up to push it open. I missed the frame and went straight through with the door still shut.

The result, of this serious cock up apart from life threatening blood loss, was that the glass took the tip of my nose off, left another cut across the bridge of my nose that missed my eyes by an inch, cut straight through my cheek into my upper jaw bone, left four serious wounds on both arms and numerous other lacerations here and there. A brilliant plastic surgeon, after 140 stitches and numerous butterfly plasters , restored my boyish good looks and now, sixty years later, the scars are barely visible. Anyone who does notice is told I got them in a sabre duel in Heidelberg over the honour of a wench.

The other less glamorous result is that I still hate mushed up Weetabix in milk, whiich was all I was allowed to eat for a fortnight because of the stitches inside my mouth.

OZ

Ouch. Bet that hurt.

Nerd mode on., and should this ever come up in a pub quiz Building Regs have changed since, this being one of the main reasons. Safety glass to be fitted to glazed doors, though the style of door you broke as a kid has fallen out of fashion in new housing
 
I worked with an American AirTrooper (**** knoes why he was in the British Army) I caught him putting battery acid in the radiator of a landrover, on further investigation, he had put OMD in the gear box and rear axle and OEP in the engine. I have known some prats in my time but he was the biggest.
There was that time an infantry regiment (who’s identity sadly escapes me) borrowed one of our Spartans for a driver training course. When returned it had OMD90 in the steering brake reservoir, and one track on back to front.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
Not duty medic today so I'm sitting in the bar knocking back bottles of Keo. Bloke comes in and says:
"You're needed at the Med Center !"
Me: "No I ain't, I ain't duty medic today and I'm bladdered"
Bloke: " The duty medic's out taking a casualty to the AFH (Austrian Field Hospital) you gotta come, there's been a fight and a REME lad's been glassed and needs stitching up !" (It's always REME)
Me: "Ok"
So I get to the Med Centre and the REME lad has had his ear cut across and it's pissing blood. I stitch it up, no local anaesthetic as he's pissed as a newt.
Me: Come back to see me in two days.
All is well after two days, no infection so I tell him to come back in a couple of days to remove the stitches.
He comes back and I remove the dressing and to my horror I see that I've overlapped the ear when I stitched !
What to do? Cut it again and stitch it up correctly? Leave it ?
I ask him what he thinks and he says:
"It's ok doc, I always was an ugly bugger anyway"
 

BlipDriver

War Hero
the second story
my mate 12 bellies
rings me up one morning, Bike wont start, wont turn over now, think the starter has jammed
now this bike is as mint Zephyr
the love of his life
I told him to leave it alone in case he did more damage

some months before, he had dropped it when moving it in the garage, caught the lawn mower and dented the unmarked tank !!
I had told him, when he first purchased the house to demolish the wanky garage and let me install a new larger one
anyways, he paid a top firm to refinish the tank and sidepanels to origional spec

I turn up he is still pressing the starter button, and I could smell petrol, I bodily drag him out of the garage
2 other nice new bikes in there

take the keys out, and move it out of the garage and onto the drive, he didnt Want me to put it out the front in case the neighbours saw it ??
I told the daft git they would see the ******* flames as it burnt us to death

battery disconnected carefully and removed

air filter full of petrol
oil level sight glass to the top ????

I remove the air filter
drain the housing
then drain the fuel tank, only to find the daft ******, had put another two gallons in when it wouldnt start !!!!!

and then I remove the oil filler plug and let the petrol piss out
along with the spark plugs and carbs

he was so lucky it didnt go up

The Cause

the vacuum fuel tap had failed ( probably in the painting process when they baked the tank)
he didnt want to pay a mechanic to strip the tank and side panels, and a mechanic would have removed the tap, and blown the tank through with air first

fuel had then trickled out and into the air inlets
He ordered a replacement tap, and the engine oil and filter was replaced along with a carb strip
and a careful check over
see the reg plate though

View attachment 607802
Well spotted, could have been nasty if it caught.
Quick question, what's the bike under the tarp with no wheel/front end? I want to say XS11, but the oil cooler doesn't look right. (Yes I know I have no life...)
 

Chef

LE
Ouch. Bet that hurt.

Nerd mode on., and should this ever come up in a pub quiz Building Regs have changed since, this being one of the main reasons. Safety glass to be fitted to glazed doors, though the style of door you broke as a kid has fallen out of fashion in new housing
There's coincidence for you. A friend managed to break the glass panel on the front door, yesterday, and the glass shop wouldn't sell him a like for like replacement as they've been verboten for 30-40 years. Laminate glass instead.

Having read @O Zangado's tale of woe I can see why.
 
I worked with an American AirTrooper (**** knoes why he was in the British Army) I caught him putting battery acid in the radiator of a landrover, on further investigation, he had put OMD in the gear box and rear axle and OEP in the engine. I have known some prats in my time but he was the biggest.

Interesting 252, I'll bet.
 
There's coincidence for you. A friend managed to break the glass panel on the front door, yesterday, and the glass shop wouldn't sell him a like for like replacement as they've been verboten for 30-40 years. Laminate glass instead.

Having read @O Zangado's tale of woe I can see why.
Staying in the Holiday Inn Dublin Airport 2005. Slipped in my room (no alchohol involved) and landed on glass topped table. Table shattered leaving some shards over a foot long.
Minor cuts and scrapes.
Called reception clearly shocked.
Manager arrives with staff.
Manager offers to make reports e.t.c.

Me
" Don't worry about that just do me a favour. Just make sure there are no other tables like this anywhere in the hotel. "

I think I was lucky and thinking about the incident still raises the hairs on my neck
 

RTU'd

LE
I once made a 2/Lt in the regiment sign a 1033 for kit twice.
I had moved on back to the UK & the RQ refused to accept it was a genuine error.
And made the 2/Lt pay for the "missing" kit.
 
Staying in the Holiday Inn Dublin Airport 2005. Slipped in my room (no alchohol involved) and landed on glass topped table. Table shattered leaving some shards over a foot long.
Minor cuts and scrapes.
Called reception clearly shocked.
Manager arrives with staff.
Manager offers to make reports e.t.c.

Me
" Don't worry about that just do me a favour. Just make sure there are no other tables like this anywhere in the hotel. "

I think I was lucky and thinking about the incident still raises the hairs on my neck

Fishy was very very lucky. The surgeon said that had he not had his musculature, he'd have been a dead 'un.
 

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