Anti trick-or-treat strategies for Halloween

#1
Its almost that time of year again, when chavs in Scream masks chap on your door demanding money with menaces.

Now I dont mind giving goodies to kids who've made the effort to dress up (its a good way to get rid of all those ready-salted packets of crisps that noones touched for 6 months) but I had a few eggs chucked at my windows last year and im not taking any crap this time!

Whats the best way to deal with the blighters?

Dont suppose I can chase them with my blunt samurai sword?
 
#3
Greet them with a buzzing chainsaw
 
#4
Possibly invite the lads round for a "Walt Themed Party?"


Chavs will be met at the door by a number of scary looking chaps in greens, who've had quite a bit to drink.

Let the fun commence?
 
#6
Smash the first pad brat to knock on your door in the face with an issue sledge hammer (crypto, destruction of, on sight of Russians, for the use of). Answer the door to the next lot wearing the head as a hat while lovingly caressing the buttocks, which you have removed with the blunt hacksaw from a Tech Toolkit.
 
#7
The classic:

"Be orf, and count yourself lucky I did not give you both barrels!!"

or

"Smithers, release the hounds"

have merit but sadly no longer viable in these PC times.

However, in such circumstances, my wifes does go to the door with two very large & furiously barking (actually Woof/Grrr stranger making like I want to rip yer throat out even though I am most likely to lick you) dogs and makes a very good show of being barely able to restrain them.

Certainly does put all manner of unwanted doorstep blighters off.

Also useful for Carol Singers as it drowns them out. Bah, humbug.
 
#8
I might try covering a brussle sprout in chocolate and a few nuts, scoff a box of Ferro Roche, then use the wrapping to covering the new found delicacy and merrily hand them out.
Edd
 
#9
A Super Soaker filled with Benz, a match and Robert is your mums brother.
 
#11
The rather large french Bayonets that i keep just in sight of the front door do a good job of keeping people at bay, plus the sword, 2 axes and the juggling knives.

The dog does a good barking session if he doesn't know whoever it is at the door. oh and a sign saying 'Trick or treaters over the age of 9 will be disembowelled, trick or treaters 9 and under will be eaten by wolves'

So far we've not had any trouble.
 
#12
Wrap yourself clingfilm, with only a swollen penis showing through, tie a shoelace around your scrotum and pull it tight, put on some lipstick and sit on a deck chair in your open door way. Chanting the theme tune to crossroads and dragging the blunt side of a cutless up the length of your shaft.

Potential trick or treaters will remain at the gate and not bother you.... those that enter into the arean are clearly game and up for kinky stuff... bonus
 
#13
Did a good one a couple of years ago... Answered the door and (tongue in cheek) lectured some not-so-little-kids on the wisdom of knocking on strangers' doors and offering trick or treat. Got to the bit about "what if there's no treat?" They waffled about tricks, when I suggested it was very unwise to say such things without first looking behind them.

When the penny finally dropped and they turned around, they were faced with my daughter's then boyfriend... Six foot four inches, scary as fcuk and dressed as Edward Scissorhands (they were off to a fancy dress party)...

Little feckers crapped themselves! :twisted:
 
#14
Carve "help me" into your chest in blood and cover your face in "cam cream brown" in best minstrel style and instead of answering the door, dive through the window whenever the door is knocked on screaming "take me to yer dirty muslim girls!!"
 
#15
The septics have some rather effective lore about this sort of thing. Razor blades in bobbing apples, for example. Apparently it puts the little buggers right off the whole enterprise.
 
#16
minister_doh_nut said:
Wrap yourself clingfilm, with only a swollen penis showing through, tie a shoelace around your scrotum and pull it tight, put on some lipstick and sit on a deck chair in your open door way. Chanting the theme tune to crossroads and dragging the blunt side of a cutless up the length of your shaft.

Potential trick or treaters will remain at the gate and not bother you.... those that enter into the arean are clearly game and up for kinky stuff... bonus
Can't you think of something different for Halloween, Meenister?
 
#17
If the children are accompanied by an adult simply leer in an "engaging" way at them and then say "So Brother Adramelech, you have brought the tribute demanded by our dark lord. How we shall feast tonight!"

Then back to the sofa, a glass of malt and the Telegraph crossword.

Oh, did I mention being naked is best for this, wearing a pentangle pendant, carrying an obsidian knife, oh and a chalice is good if you can get one...Hang an upside down cross with a black cat crucified on it if you want the full effect...
 
#18
Naked, obviously, but with a frozen chicken stuck on the end of your c0ck.

If you have a dog/cat, you can get them to lick your plum sack.



Oops sorry, I didn't read the thread title. I though it was 'what will you be doing tonight?'.


As for Halloween, just tell them to fcuk off or you'll hurt them good and proper.
 

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