Another note to journos - 7-62 Competition

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Ok fellas -here goes:

You've said your bit on the classic thread "A note to journos" (Thanks Fugly) and here's your chance to continue with your creativity:

Write a limerik - Title: a note to journos

Best five liner wins a silver plated Zippo engraved with your aka and the limerick on one side and the ARRSE potato-head on the other. Cut off date: Christmas. The winner is the one who makes me laugh most (I know: unfair. But that's life) - keep them cleanish (fat chance) or at leat fun and relevant.

Best of luck,- C
Here you go a quick off the wrist as it were.

An ode to a journo called Kira
It is right that all men ought to fear her
For shes as big as a whale
And tells a tall tale
And stinks of stale fish if you go near her.


There was a young lady called Kira,
For just a few quid you could hire her,
To surf, cut and paste in journalistic haste,
The fat f*cking lesbian cake stalking munter.

(Was it meant to rhyme?)


There once was a journo called Cochrane,
In the arrse, she is a pain,
Misquotes and lies,
And NATO’s stock of pies,
We shall always treat with disdain.
There is a young journo call Kira
Who could not get the men to go near her
She's ungly and fat
With a bucket like twat
But she can understand why men fear her

I don't like journolists,
Slightly less when i am pissed,
They fcuk us all over,
Lies mistruths and deciets,
And i know one that looks like a bit like my dog rover!

(I spell like a mong, sorry)


Kira Cochrane is a big fat lass,
she eats pies and she sups Bass
she got upset when we laughed about the 'brass'
she went to print and called us crass
fart and give us a clue we can tell which hole's your ass.
A beer, zwei bier, tre birra
quatre bières, vijf bier, sei birre
double vision comes nearer
yet the message comes clearer
'drink more beer if you're gonna screw Kira'
An heroic male ARRSER named Fugly
Took umbrage at articles ugly
Said he "Shes a moose,
And her fanny is loose,
And I think theres grilled cheese on her jubbly
Bill Oddies are squaddies you know
And loathing inside them will grow
To proportions immense
They won't sit on the fence
On ARRSE in the thread on Journos

(forgot an apostrophe D'oh :oops: )
She took a blow to the face with a fist
But the police said to cease and desist
He said but it's Kira
So the copper drew nearer
And laid in the boot to assist

The fiery look in her eyes
Suggested she might have found pies
Some vodka and beer
Enough crisps for a year
It's no wonder the fat cow's that size
I know who's made me laugh most so far... :D :D :D

On a serious note from 7-62:

Journos please be aware
To quote from ARRSE with care
The blokes you insult
Have guns rounds and bolts
And plan their revenge with flair :twisted:

(definitely NOT a winner - didn't even make me laugh and I wrote it... but Nice-One the rest of you... at least one of you deserves the prize.)
Not sure if three verses will fit on the back of a zippo, but this isn't crude enough to win anyway...

A pointless hack by the name of Cochrane,
Was recently declared as insane,
She was driven quite barmy,
By the men of the Army,
Who she wrongly believed to be tame.

Her journalistic technique was a farce,
To do work she just couldn’t be arsed,
But she came quite unstuck,
When by the worst of luck,
She was harpooned by the members of ARRSE.

So journos of Britain beware,
With soldiers you should always take care,
Taking their quotes without asking,
And in their light to be basking,
Shows idleness beyond compare.


A fat lass in black employed as a hack
visited Greggs bakers one day
"Steak bake!" she bellowed
so retorted the fellow
"Just the one love.... or the whole f*cking tray?"


I like big girls,
round and fat
high cheek bones and hair so flat
teeth like a bag of chips
who should wear a full face hat.
There once was a journo called Kira
So large that you couldn't get near her
She said for a ginsters or two
I'll give you a clue
And scoff while your doing my rear.


There once was a journo called Cochrane
Who builders thought was game
She split durex in two
When men shot their glue
Into a fanny that stunk like a drain
It takes too long to write limericks that rhyme
So I've used cut and paste to save time
Just like that hag Kira
But I'm nothing like her
Because I'm not a fat, man hating, booted lezza with a face that looks like it's sucking a lime.
I thought I'd have a go at the cruder end of the market:

To say Kira’s fat is a lie.
Thanks to her obsession with pie:
She’s not just fat, she’s enormous,
And she’s utterly gormless,
We wish she would fcuk off and die.

If you can't find a pie, she'll have cake,
And a treble size portion she'll take,
To maintain her weight,
She'll pile up her plate,
Though her size makes her qu1m smell of hake.

To top it all off she’s a beyatch,
And you’ll have problems finding her sneyatch,
To get the right spot,
You have to roll her a lot,
In flour and look for the wet patch.


Kira looks like a man
A close relative of Desperate Dan
Her gene pool is small
She is horribly tall
An advert for compulsory sterilisation if ever I saw one
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