Annoyingly Itchy Middle-Aged Ringpiece

Three pages in and no mention of:
Or this innovative solution.

36247B7E-69A8-4789-827D-48663B7CBB32.png
 

PFGEN

GCM
Go to the doctor now! You may be embarrassed, but doctors aren’t. They deal with it every day. I went to my Doctors, which is predominantly final year medical doctor students from Eindhoven, with experienced GPs as advisors.
The doctor I saw is an absolutely stunningly beautiful Asian woman, i kid you not, I said to her “I’m in fight or flight mode right now, and you being attractive really isn’t helping my anxiety”.
She says to me “you have nothing to worry about. We do this several times a day” then stuck a finger up my dirt locker.
Helped at the time, but made my next “personal assessment session” a little bit awkward. (I’m not an Engr or Arty, so pokey bum wanqs aren’t my thang!).

Which hospital? Sounds like I might need to get an appointment to visit her. You have to pay good money across town for the same. Does she also strip off for the inspection?
 

endure

GCM
Which hospital? Sounds like I might need to get an appointment to visit her. You have to pay good money across town for the same. Does she also strip off strap on for the inspection?
Be careful what you wish for...
 
Absolutely go to the doctor now.

Little tip though, go for a pee before the examination. The first time (can’t believe it’s happened more than once) when the Doctor stuck his finger up my jacksey, I had an epic instant swamper that surprised us both.
 

endure

GCM
That would certainly be different. Last time it happened it was a doctor with a German name and accent who informed me that I should relax and listen to the music. Easy for him to say, it wasn't a day I'll forget in a hurry.
 
Cut it out, do it now.
The only trained health care professional responding (as far as I know) and you are joking. I was expecting the offer of a home visit at least, perhaps using your special probe.

I have sympathy for those talking about prostate exams. I have had so many since last February that I have lost count. Plus prostate CAT scans, prostate MRIs PSA blood tests etc
Original urologist was going to do the traditional TURP procedure (i.e. root rooter) but he decided thatI should see a female urologist who is the only surgeon at the hospital who does HoLEP surgery (Holmium Laser Enucliation of Prostate ) which is supposed to be better.
I have had a catheter in for 290 days (not that I am counting). Nurses do catheter changes every 2-3 weeks, no problem with that, feels a bit odd but not painful..

Looking on the bright side if I am watching an ice hockey game that goes to sudden death overtime I don't miss the game willing goal. Also on the bright side, today being the US holiday Thanksgiving, I drove down to Connecticut 175 miles about 4-5 hours each way and did not need to make a pit stop.

On a more serious note docs say all the signs are for something benign, not cancer. Will know for sure after surgery.
 
A liberal application of Fiery Jack Balm will remove all sensation of itching ... there may be some side effects as with any medication .

I see your Fiery Jack, and raise you.........

iu
 
In New Zealand there apparently a bloke who rejoices in the name "Mr Ichyanoos" (according to QI, anyway). While I can only image the sh1t that he was subjected to at school, his torment is as nothing compared to my itchy hoop.

Over the last few years, I have suffered (and that really is the right word) from a itch in my anus, which has got progressively worse over time and tends to flare-up at night. Never has the term "in me scratcher" been more apt. Like a lot of blokes I have put off going to the doctor, partly because it seems like a joke complaint compared to what some people have to put up with but mostly out of sheer embarrassment (though Christ know why, it wouldn't be the first time I've had fingers up my richter in a "professional setting"....).

On this occasion, Google hasn't been my friend. I've never had any weird tropical diseases and, although I was known as a bit of a grot back in the mob, I do like to wipe lavishly. Maybe that's it? Any ideas?

Worms. There's a type that comes out to play at night. Hookworms?

Get your guts and exhaust plumbing sorted out by a chancre mechanic.

ETA: Pipped by @Kinch and @GreyArea with pin/threadworms.
 
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I see your Fiery Jack, and raise you.........

iu
I made that same rookie mistake when I were a young buck. I grabbed my gran's medicated Vaseline to provide suitable lubrication for my first self-help session. I didn't make the same mistake twice, I can tell you.
 
In New Zealand there apparently a bloke who rejoices in the name "Mr Ichyanoos" (according to QI, anyway). While I can only image the sh1t that he was subjected to at school, his torment is as nothing compared to my itchy hoop.

Over the last few years, I have suffered (and that really is the right word) from a itch in my anus, which has got progressively worse over time and tends to flare-up at night. Never has the term "in me scratcher" been more apt. Like a lot of blokes I have put off going to the doctor, partly because it seems like a joke complaint compared to what some people have to put up with but mostly out of sheer embarrassment (though Christ know why, it wouldn't be the first time I've had fingers up my richter in a "professional setting"....).

On this occasion, Google hasn't been my friend. I've never had any weird tropical diseases and, although I was known as a bit of a grot back in the mob, I do like to wipe lavishly. Maybe that's it? Any ideas?
Do you drink coffee, particularly instant coffee? If so, stop, as it's a well-known cause of piles and itching. It can take a couple of weeks to clear your system and for things to improve, but worth trying.
 
Which hospital? Sounds like I might need to get an appointment to visit her. You have to pay good money across town for the same. Does she also strip off for the inspection?
Every doctor I’ve seen in there is a stunner, less the GP who runs the gaff (not in to geezers). One of the first I saw brought in a locum GP for advice, they could have been a mother/daughter Dutch combo. I could barely speak!
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
The only trained health care professional responding (as far as I know) and you are joking. I was expecting the offer of a home visit at least, perhaps using your special probe.

I have sympathy for those talking about prostate exams. I have had so many since last February that I have lost count. Plus prostate CAT scans, prostate MRIs PSA blood tests etc
Original urologist was going to do the traditional TURP procedure (i.e. root rooter) but he decided thatI should see a female urologist who is the only surgeon at the hospital who does HoLEP surgery (Holmium Laser Enucliation of Prostate ) which is supposed to be better.
I have had a catheter in for 290 days (not that I am counting). Nurses do catheter changes every 2-3 weeks, no problem with that, feels a bit odd but not painful..

Looking on the bright side if I am watching an ice hockey game that goes to sudden death overtime I don't miss the game willing goal. Also on the bright side, today being the US holiday Thanksgiving, I drove down to Connecticut 175 miles about 4-5 hours each way and did not need to make a pit stop.

On a more serious note docs say all the signs are for something benign, not cancer. Will know for sure after surgery.
See, if you’d cut it out all would be well now.
 

Yokel

LE
Should this really be in a serious forum? Does someone need to change their user name to 'SurviveToWipe' and start wearing rubber gloves at night?
 

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