Annexation of Britain as the 51st US state.

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Machristo, Apr 21, 2006.

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  1. i know the other one has been seen on here before, but i ain't sure about this one. sorry if it has.

    A message to the imperialist British colonizers:

    In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency,
    your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European
    Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and
    refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as the
    51st State of America.

    Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old
    postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon, which is a
    lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have
    already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice
    the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are
    introduced with immediate effect:

    Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always
    correct in your pronunciation or spelling.

    Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and
    pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
    "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name
    evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements.
    In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling
    and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum
    industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing
    aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
    Learn to live with it.

    You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names
    such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra", you ought to
    have spelled it that way in the first place.

    You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two
    week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

    There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct
    colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic
    superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
    Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?

    Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian
    accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York
    accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in
    our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially
    those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To
    make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs
    must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid,
    Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, English characters will wear
    bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh characters will not be used since
    there are no notable Welsh Americans.

    The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys,
    rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will
    continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier
    for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh
    Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British
    films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better.
    Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which
    doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters
    should be "good guys".

    You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner". It
    shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and
    your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish,
    so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a
    right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be
    replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.

    You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two
    games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called
    football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds
    of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket.
    Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game
    which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a
    simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling) strips and
    cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than
    90 minutes will be declared a draw.

    In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are
    those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract
    the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word
    "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are
    not "trailers", they are "teasers".

    November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is the
    appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on
    November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You
    won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.

    Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with
    a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough guns and
    ammo to equip a private militia.

    There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping". The
    thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

    Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to
    turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will
    start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives
    on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if
    safe to do so - though you must check local county legislation as this is
    not permitted in all areas.

    Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You
    will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want
    to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from
    your doctor and good medical insurance.

    Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is properly
    termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human
    consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies
    and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
    And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan
    they'll teach you how to cook.

    All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident
    in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue
    somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have
    therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your
    childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist. Therapy,
    like, will take the place of speaking to family members.

    You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name
    your children after interesting medical conditions.

    You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward
    children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have
    a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a
    small town or school (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature
    within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius. We call this hunting.

    And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

    Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
     
  2. But what about my right to bear arms? :roll:
     
  3. Yeah, without my right to bear arms, life just wont be grand...
     
  4. more to the point, do i still have a right to BARE arms?
     
  5. Bet yo' ass that was written by an Englishman, as the great majority of Americans think that Great Britain is a small island in the Western Pacific, near Canada.
     
  6. My In laws are Septics and the mother in law actually asked me if had Microwaves yet?????
     

  7. or even the rights to BEARS ARMS which could make the bear kind of mad
     
  8. or even the rights to bear bare bears arms which would make it a pre-requisite to bear arms or the bear gets you first and bears your bare arms.
     
  9. as much as i like America, not enough to want to become a a US citizen :lol:
     
  10. You could always become a Resident Alien - like E.T.
     
  11. and riding bikes with little kids, getting high on drug thinking you could actually fly , nahh ill pass :lol:
     
  12. The american declaration of Independence was written over a series of very hot days in 1776, June- July. In those days clothes were hot, made of thick wool and silk. Wigs were worn on the head and must have been unbearably stuffy - especially as a hat was de rigeur in those times. After hours of sweaty word-smithing in a poky room in Boston, Ben Franklin suddenly threw of his wig and George Washington said, aghast "Ben, you can't do that! There are ladies in the next door house!"

    "George, we are about to embark upon a great act of revolutionary freedom. In time to come all americans, free-born men will have the right to wear a wig or no wig, a waistcoat or no waistcoat and even to take their jackets off and roll up their sleeves."

    Sadly spelling had yet to be standardized this went down in the document as the right to bear arms...the rest is history.

    I'll get my periwig...