And now for something completely...

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by XRE_987, Sep 2, 2013.

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  1. "The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

    -- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.





     
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  2. This is so old it was used before Korea!


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  3. Americans meanwhile are planning on carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
     
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  4. And in Japan, sales of +2000 sunscreen have sky-rocketed.
     
  5. This was found recently, carved on a clay tablet somewhere near the Roman fort at Corbridge:

    Experiretur prenderit Anglici respectu recenti memoria in Syriam et suscitavit ergo securitas ex gradu " Miffed " ad " Peeved . " Ubi , quamquam , ut securitatem gradus attolleretur rursus ad " irritatur " vel " A frenum crucem . " Angli non fuerunt " aliquantulus Cross " cum RAPIDUS MCMXL in tea cum commeatu fere cucurrit ex . Iam terroris a genere re- " pigrum " ad " sanguinum nocumentum. " Novissimo tempore Britannis edita a "sanguineum nocumentum " Monitum in gradu erat MDLXXXVIII , cum metu Hispani Armada .

    Scoti extulerint comminationem ex gradu " pissed off " ad " Sit scriptor adepto spurii . " Non aliter elit. Haec causa est, quod Britannici exercitus uti in prima acie CCC annos proximo .

    Francorum imperio hesterno die pronuntiaveramus, erexit eam terroris intenti ex gradu " currite " ad "abscondere ". Duo tantum superiora in Francia " operam " et " deditio. " Ortus erat praeceps recenti ignis perdidit Francie regis album vexillum factory patria scriptor militum efficaciter DEBILITATIO facultatem.

    Crevit ex Italia intenti gradu " Clamate voce et PERTUMULTUOSE " ad " ADPARATUS Military Posturing . " Duos campester manere : " Certamina inefficax Operatio " et " mutare latus . '

    Germani suas erigens augeri rem publicam " superbiae fastum " ad " Armati Songs veste uniformi , et psállite . " Habent etiam binos superiores gradus: " invaderet vicinorum " et "perdere ".

    Belgae ab altera parte festo omnium more , sollicitus est quae tantum periculum de destructione Lorem Bruxellis.

    Hispanos omnes excitatur ad novum submarines parati ad explicandam . Haec pulchre disposito habere subs sic fundis speculum novum Hispanorum classe possit a vere bonus inviso quondam classis Hispanica .

    Australia interim eius securitatem sublimauit ex gradu " non sollicitudines " ad " Illa Licuit , coeunt. " PROPAGATIO duos campester manere : " Crikey ! Puto puteus 'postulo ut inrita Barbie huius auctor ! ' et " Barbie destruatur ". Situ tantum non umquam sinunt usum ultimi PROPAGATIO gradu.
     
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  6. Well, that didn't make any sense, so I translated it into Dutch, which was no good, so I went through Croatian, Irish, French and German before trying English.

    But it still doesn't make much sense.

    English Test pinch in recent history in relation to Syria, and then raised the security level "miffed" to "peeved." However, it can raise the security level of "irritable" or "small cross. Mali Cross," "The English have 'SMART 1940 kitchen supplies almost ran out. Risk of rebirth" lazy "to" troublemakers. "Last warning British "bastard" in 1588, with the fear of the Spanish Armada.

    Scots are threat level from "angry" lifted "Let the bastards." Is not fast by any means. This is the reason for using the front using in the near future. More than 300 years of British Army

    The French government announced yesterday that it is a threat and warning, and led to the step "Run," "Hide" on. There are only two higher levels in France "Note" and "surrender." Royal Park were destroyed, effectively paralyzing the military potential fire recently French stiff white flag factory.

    Italy's Readiness "Shout loudly and excitedly" two-tier "allowing for increased military ready.", "Change Sides." "I can not effectively combat operations" and

    Germans as a result of bankruptcy of their
     
  7. My Latin begins and ends with 'QED'. Blame Google translate.