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Anal Assault

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by spaz, Sep 24, 2010.

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  1. I can't be the only person who does this.

    I've just returned from a trip to the shops to get myself some new brothel creepers, having successfully secured the purchase of said items and after a good old letch around town I headed back to the Spazmobile.

    It was during my trip down the stairs at the multi storey car park that I felt a thunk in my guts like a heavy duty solenoid kicking in, followed by the full feeling you get when the bomb bay is fully loaded with an airburst munition and it wants to get out sharpish.

    Now I new it was going to be pretty spicy as I'd delivered the last one not ten minutes earlier in a gentleman's outfitters right behind some spiv trying on a suit in front of the mirror, while the fruity attendant tried to butter him up for the sale, in that instance I'd layed it behind them then walked across the shop as the pungent aroma seeped out of my thundercrackers. I stood across the shop from them, the picture of innocence as I watched their eyes start to water and they both tried to ignore the consequences of my Tandoori Chicken Sizzler, a pickled egg, and a couple of packets of Scampi Fries all washed down with a litre of pineapple juice.

    That was just the start though and I new it, the main event was about to happen in my pants and I needed a target. As I descended the steps I spotted a prissy looking middle aged woman with a couple of kids in tow. They were only about six feet below me when I felt the payload arrive.

    I pushed, nothing happened. I was going to have to put maximum effort into this to deliver on target. I halted my descent down the stairs and strained. The woman sensing something was not right looked up, our eyes met. She showed a look of surprise as she stared into my face wondering why I had halted, was looking at her and was half smirking, half presenting my best poo face.

    Strain as I might I couldn't detonate the main charge and had to abort, the woman disappeared behind me, I felt dejected, let down by my own bowels. This was short lived as lumbering round the corner gasping for breath from the floor below came a ginger behemoth. "Tank Action!" called my inner monologue. Weapons made ready and the safety off there was no way this one was getting away. I released a huge fart, my ring reverberating dangerously as I wondered if I was going to score a "brown on brown". My ring snapped shut just in the nick of time as she was four steps below me and slowly labouring up the stairs, sucking like a V6 being redlined. The delivery was near perfect, it could only have been improved if I'd caught a handful and delivered it to her face whilst shouting "Cupcake!". My work finished I hopped down the remaining stairs with a spring in my step and a glint in my eye.

    Who else has a tale of bumfoolery related ambush?
  2. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    I have introduced a new policy at work of always remaining in the lift until I am the last one then "improving the ambience" by floating a little trump into the lift.

    The exhibition manager caught me a few weeks ago. Now she doesn't speak to me which is an added bonus.
  3. Don't those preshit farts echo in multi storey car park stairs? sort of bounce of the walls and can frighten off the intended victim.
  4. I'm so let down by this thread.
  5. Don't worry, Jarrod. They are only clearing a path for you.
  6. Great my brothers back!
  7. From what you have said you were lucky not to have followed through with a lumpy one!!
  8. Fatty had no chance of escape on this occasion as the noxious gas swiftly spread, filling the staircase with my putrid odour.
  9. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    I like sitting on crowded trains and dropping the eggiest of silent farts, then looking round accusingly at each of my fellow passengers with a look of disgust on my face. I find chips and beans for lunch at work gets my ricker firing nicely in time for the evening commute. the bloke who sits next to me at work at the moment is getting a bit pissed off with me too.
    my all time favourite though has to be dropping a right stinker in the doorway of a train just prior to stepping off onto the platform, leaving the eggy banner lying in wait for the people who were waiting to get on.
  10. If only this were an Olympic sport we might be in the running for a gold medal
  11. There are other delights on packed trains such as frotting, the tube is best and it can be so crowded people can't really feel what is happening to them or prevent it. You have to get some form of pleasure out of being treated like a sardine.
  12. The best fun is had when propping up the bar in my local i am a master of the silent fart and keeping a straight face while accusing my drinking cronies of having done the evil deed.
  13. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    shouldnt that be the brown?

  14. Easing one out at the Deli counter at Waitrose causes quite a bit of distress too. I only go there to fart, their prices are too high for me. :)

    Mind you, I think they may be catching on, as I'm the one standing there grinning when the queue has rapidly dispersed.

    Here's a tip. For quality farting material, get some of this, make sure it's the thick cut one though..not the fine cut as shown here. It makes you fart all day long, with the added benefit of not putting weight on. :) I can't imagine the results if additional to eggs and baked beans for breakfast, but I'm thinking of trying it out on a Saturday and then going into a M&S Food & Wine Store...Devastating. :omfg:

  15. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    at the moment, I seem to get the best results from a couple of sausages, a slice of black pud and baked beans around half eight when I get to work, the aforesaid chips and beans for lunch about half one, a couple of bottles of Mountain Dew for hydration throughout the day and then onto the train about fiveish - by that time I'm knocking out the SBD's at a rate of one every five to ten minutes or so.

    would you consider being my trainer? I feel I could acheive so much more with some proper guidance and practice.