An open letter to Ms Jacqui Smith

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by happybonzo, Feb 7, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Dear Minister,
    I am in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
    understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address
    and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census
    forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration
    forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to reactivate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary
    backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned
    rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
    get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You would rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

    Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances that allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the **** ****** and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get some-one "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...Who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN.
    Yours sincerely,
    An Irate British Citizen.
  2. Bonzo. I would love to see the reply to that one (assuming that is that they have the decency to reply). Good luck mate.
  3. Start your own political party.
    I for one would vote for you.
    Cracking letter. :D
  4. HB, I take it you weren't thinking of the 7 fundamental principles of the Red Cross when you compiled this letter!! :wink:
  5. Nice one Centurion!
    Let's see any reply (but don't hold your breath)
  6. Sir I applaud you
  7. the thoughts of every ,,english man.
  9. ok and the porrige wogs, taffs and murfs,,have i missed any one.
  10. You'll only get a patronising reply from some chap describing himself as her secretary. He doesn't mention that he's her husband and on the payroll (allegedly).
  11. Save yourself all this f*cking about.
    What's wrong with Bridlington for a holiday?
    No passport. No probs. Job done.
    For top class Holiday advice you can contact me when I get back from holiday in Greece. (Did I mention that I've got a passport?) :twisted:
  12. Sharp intake of breath - "be careful", Bert Smith of Basingstoke may be a relative and Jacqui spliff could / would complain about slagging off her family

    Otherwise, bloody good. Don't expect a reply because it will go to the wrong address
  13. Almost worth putting in current affairs so the journalists pick up on it...
  14. The solution to the whole problem, of course, would be for all your details to be held centrally on one enormous database to which every government functionary had access.

    Then they could easily check these details. And who you associate with, where you are, how fast you're driving, what political views you express. You know, all those things that would enable the government to 'better serve the public'. Or something.

    Be careful what you wish for, it might just kick your door down at 3 in the morning.

  15. Sod Brid, go to Skeggie.......a better class of lardie lady. :D

    Let us know if you do get a reply though. 8O
    All the best :cry: