An honorary arrser if ever

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by tiny_lewis, Apr 24, 2013.

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  1. Well that's Virgin Media for you - bunch of cunts.
  2. Really? Actually, unless you are poor and can't afford First Class, they are quite alright.
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  3. Never had to deal with their Indian call centre then I take it?
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  4. I wouldn't know who my chap deals with...
  5. What's the problem? They said it was a Late Payment Charge ...
  6. I wonder if he's the same chap who apparently wrote this letter. I beleive it's a wind up however a funny one.

    Dear Mr Addison,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

    I will address them, as ever, in order.

    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
    In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".
    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee, Customer Relations.

    Good idea for a thread though - shitty official letters received and even shittier ones sent.
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  7. Good point.
  8. Those fuckers once had to deal with ME!!

    Two years ago I lived on the edge of Dartmoor - gash internet coverage. One day, whilst carrying out some "research" online I noticed a significant drop in download speed (Research is hard to carry out when said subject says "buffering" every 5 seconds). I decided to call Virgin. After being on hold a few minutes I was finally through and cheerfully greeted by "Brian" in his Indian call centre. I cut him short as I was well rehearsed in the drill and told him I had already check wires, connections and filters etc and I just wanted to be put through to tier 2 - an engineer in England. "Brian" then said: "Okeeeey Meester Matelot I just have to carry out some checks and will place you on hold eet will be five minutes is that ok?" ...

    I was touching fucking cloth at the time so took the handset in with me. About 1 minute 30 into the tune played in the background I was startled from my dump with a "Hello Meester Matelot...". I made the poor fucker experience the crimp, the wipe and then the flush with me giggling like a schoolgirl also. He then started following his script again so I decided to take him off it by bombarding him with radar theory. I told him I had tested the PRF of my connection and tweaked the pin attenuaters but was still experiencing anomalous-propogation - poor fucker didn't have a clue so gave me a ticket number and escalated. Got a call back from some jock about 10 minutes later who tweakeda few things and research was then restored :)
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  9. I'm with Virgin media myself and whilst good connection and pretty fast, dealing with Phillipino call-centres really does bug me, as does the I'M Brian / Dave / Jenny bollocks that matelot speaks of. Whichever imbecile thought it a good idea to commence a customer relations call with such a blatant lie really should have his testicles / tits superglued to a pair of rutting goats. I have a standaard comeback, it never fails.

    Look, Dave / john / Liz, whatever the hell your Anglicised name is today. Let's not commence the phonecall on such a blatant deception as, if I can't trust you to give an accurate name, how am I expected to beleive anythnig at all you say to me? so, lets start again. What is you REAL name.

    Done it 3 times now and each time they've admitted it was company policy - each time they've sorted out the initial problem in less time than it took to get over the name bollocks! I thought time was money in business.