An Honest sales pitch

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Boxy, Mar 22, 2011.

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  1. From a kit shop advertised here, their sales pitch is very refreshing for instance;

    "A pack of 40 plastic soldiers. Very bad for your children. Not only do these teach children that war is fun and alright, they also make them racists - sides are divided by color.

    Sadly, like all good things, they don't make these like they used to. Something in the casting process must have gone to hell in a handbasket, as most of the troops look like startled frogs, utterly insane or are simply faceless. Or all of the above. Our house favourite, however, is the guy with a bazooka growing out of his forehead. But hey, they're cannon fodder anyhow, so why be picky?

    The troops are ranked in a decending order of awesomeness as follows:

    1. Bazooka (through-the-head) man: Bloody awesome. With his powerful rockets he'll blow any enemy to kingdom come and, if your opponent has been cheating and has scavenged tanks from other sets, well, he's in for a surprise!
    2. Heavy machine gun man: Might not be the quickest trooper around, but those bullets will outrun any enemy.
    3. Standing up (or upstanding, ha ha) machine gun man: Even though machine guns might not be as awesome as bazookas, this guy makes up for that by being able to run. And a machine gun is still a lot better than a lowly assault rifle.
    4. Sniper: In addition to obviously being one hell of a shot, the sniper has the advantage of being very hard to tip over (read kill)! Is quite slow, however, due to being chronically prone.
    5. Rifleman: Your basic trooper and the backbone of your forces, able to shoot but not nearly as awesome as the above soldiers. Some of the riflemen aren't even aiming at the enemy, although you can fix this by turning them slightly, which makes the barrel point in the general direction of the enemy (albeit involuntarily).
    6. Grenade man: Might not be able to fire his rifle, but can instead chuck grenades. The downside with this is you need to get pretty close to use him, but once you do, explosive goodness follows. Grenades can also deal with those pesky tanks, so this guy isn't entirely without use.
    7. Sergeant: Would be right up there with the bazooka (through-the-head) man in terms of awesomeness if it weren't for one thing: he is pointing his gun uselessly in the air and therefore cannot shoot. He does however boost the morale of your other troops and looks pretty neat with his beret, PASGT vest and all (if you can get past the fact that his head is shaped roughly like a stepped-on aubergine).
    8. Radio man or whatever the hell it is he's doing: Worst Army Guy Ever. The private Pyle of this set. He'd be sent off to join the circus if it weren't for the fact that he makes an excellent human shield.
    Product is factory new."