An expensive shit care of QANTAS

Bloody Qantas! Flight was called while I was having a dump in the lounge.
Get to check in "sorry sir, you're too late to board" flight not due to leave for another 20 mins, sitting on tarmac and virtually empty.
Just paid another $400 for a Virgin flight, very pissed off, no wonder QANTAS are going bust.
Am going to write to my MP to oppose any government support for the airline and am going to send my frequent flyer card back to their CEO.
Twerps!


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They probably took exception to you having a dump in the lounge.
 
Surely they should encourage all their passengers to take a dump before the flight, see how much less weight would be carried and thus less fuel used on the flight.
 
I was a bit tight for an easyjet flight because I was in the bog when they called it. I got to the desk and the lady asked where Id been.

"Toilet"
"I dont want to know that"
"Yes you do - you asked where id been"
 
D

Deleted 20555

Guest
20 minutes before take off and you want to check in after deciding to go to the toilet?

You little frequent flier jet setter you!!!
 
Go Emirates. My experience with them on a connecting flight that I hadn't actually booked but a mate had was pretty good.

Me- Any chance I can jump on this flight as my mate is on it? I've got no hold luggage.

ES (Emirates staff)- Hang slack here till boarding is done.

I have nothing to lose so adapt the slack hanging position.

Boarding complete and a few calls gone out.

ES- Boarding card

Follow her on, hook a left instead of right. Boom, business class and cheers easy to whoever missed his flight.

Extremely confused look from my friend when we get to Heathrow as he was expecting me on the next Emirates flight in.
 
Bloody QANTAS has an identical culture to British Leyland in the 70's.


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Spot on. I won't fly them unless there is zero other options. The cabin crew are idle bastards who think passengers are an unnecessary burden. The males are poofs, the women are aging hags who should have retired years ago. Unions and laws force QANTAS to employ this scum and they can't get rid of them.

I fly Emirates, Singapore, JAL, Thai, Garuda. All treat passengers like welcome guests. The girls are HOT, they laugh at my piss poor jokes and match my idle flirting. The service is top class, the food good, the planes nice.

Unlike QANTAS.
 
Bloody QANTAS has an identical culture to British Leyland in the 70's.


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I flew back from Brisbane to Saigon Christmas 2012. Never again, the seats were so close together you could hardly draw breath. The seat in front of me was so close that I couldn't focus on the tv screen on the back of it.

Never again!
 
You should have gone before you left. :)
 
There was a senior management outcry when Virgin won our corporate tender so they were excempt from booking virgin. 2 years later, stupid management realise how much better Virgin is and none book qantas.
I was only sat in virgin lounge in Sydney last night drinking Peroni on tap. Qantas do serve spirits in their lounge whilst Virgin don't, buts that's ok because drinking vodka and white wine mixers isn't healthy. Thank you sir Richard from my liver.
 
I flew back from Brisbane to Saigon Christmas 2012. Never again, the seats were so close together you could hardly draw breath. The seat in front of me was so close that I couldn't focus on the tv screen on the back of it.

Never again!

Yes but that was Con-air.
 

RAF889

Old-Salt
I fly virgin blue to my mine site and Qantas back every week. Qantas food is better and they have up to date movies. Virgin you have to use your phone or other I twat device to view anything.
Qantas hosties are definitely ahem a little more mature or gayer than Xmas.
However both sets of company representatives treat miners like second class citizens when in actual fact we are third class plebs.
 
Qantas hosties are definitely ahem a little more mature or gayer than Xmas..

Mature? I have seen funeral directors had out business cards to the crew.

But I can handle the aging old hags. Its the attitude I don't like.

"can I please have another coffee"

"coffee is over"

Business class is slightly better, but not much.

Best airline story - I was flying Singapore Airlines and saw a mate further down the plane, near the galley. I wandered don to say hello, and he asked if I often flew with them. I sad as often as I could, my ambition was to marry a Singapore Air Hostess. The galley curtains opened and a vision of loveliness in a sarong said "you still have your chance Mr Bumhole, some of us are still single"

How can you not love an airline like that.
 

RAF889

Old-Salt
Mature? I have seen funeral directors had out business cards to the crew.

But I can handle the aging old hags. Its the attitude I don't like.

"can I please have another coffee"

"coffee is over"

Business class is slightly better, but not much.

Best airline story - I was flying Singapore Airlines and saw a mate further down the plane, near the galley. I wandered don to say hello, and he asked if I often flew with them. I sad as often as I could, my ambition was to marry a Singapore Air Hostess. The galley curtains opened and a vision of loveliness in a sarong said "you still have your chance Mr Bumhole, some of us are still single"

How can you not love an airline like that.

Wow at this vision of loveliness would be happy to be called the next Mrs Bumhole! Hell of a surname for a Singaporean, not too bad for a trollop from Harlow!
 
Worst airline story in my repertoire:

Late 80s.I was flying to and from the UK every 6 weeks, always with British airways. Evening flight UK into Singapore. Had dinner, seen the movie, everyone beds down for the night.

Wake up for breakfast, and the old guy next to me is leaning on me. I wriggle a bit to wake him and he slumps more. shake him and yep, he is dead.

"Ding". Along comes a fat hostie. "What is it sir, we are busy serving breakfast".

"This guy is dead"

"No he isn't, he is sleeping". Hostie walks off.

"Ding". "Ding". "Ding". "Ding".

"What is it NOW sir?"

"Really this guy is dead. I told you"

"And I told you he isn't. Now if there is nothing else..." Off waddles the fat hostie.

"Ding". "Ding". "Ding". "Ding".

Up she waddles again. "what NOW sir?"

"What about this dead man" I ask.

"Are you a Doctor sir?" asks the hostie.

"No" I reply.

"Well then, you don't know if he is dead or not, do you?"

"well look, his eyes are wide open, he isn't breathing, he has no heartbeat and he is leaning on me".

"Really sir, you are causing trouble" she says and walks off.

"Ding Dong". "Ladies and gentlemen, is there a doctor on the flight?"

There were two. Both came up, had a look, poked around and then said "He is dead".

The Hostie then looked at me, grimaced, and said "So do you want the bacon and eggs, or the continental breakfast".

"Actually, I want the dead body that is slumped over me moving".

"We will put a blanket over him sir. Now, tea or coffee"

"MOVE THE DEAD BODY" I say quite forcefully. Eventually they drag the dead guy off the seat, but dump him on the empty row right behind me.

"Oh look" shouted little kids. "You can poke the dead man in the eye and he doesn't mind"

The plane lands, I go into the transit lounge. a Hostie runs up behind me gesticulating wildly, and shouting 'Him, Him, Him" to the Singapore police.

I am taken away for questioning. "The cabin crew said you were very excitable on the plane. Why was that?"

"Errr because there was a dead body all over me and they didn't want to do anything about it"

"Did you hit him?" "Did you hold a pillow close to his face?" type questions for a couple of hours before they let me go.

I had missed my connecting flight.

I don't fly BA these days.
 

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