An Arrse Christmas Panto....

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by LordVonHarley, Dec 24, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. .... Snow White and the Seven Short Arrse Squaddies.

    A long time ago in a far of land there was a wonderful kingdom of Arrsia, it was ruled by the wise King Good CO who was married to a beautiful but evil witch called Queen Sluggy.
    King Good CO married for love and to give his only daughter, Dolly86, a good motherly role model. Queen Sluggy married for a huge stack of cash, a castle in Kent and as many Jesters as she could abuse.
    Queen Sluggy had a magic mirror which she would consult on many matter, like who was the fairest in the land...... to which the mirror would always reply "Queen Sluggy is the fairest in the land".
    As the years went on Queen Sluggy got board of King Good CO's Strictly Missionary bed manor and offed him by getting FatBird to sit on his face in a game of "lets have a three some".

    Queen Sluggy was now Queen of all of Arrsia and ruled very badly as she was a bird and equal opportunities had not been invented yet.

    As he years passed the virgin Dolly86 grew into a beautiful young, pert princess with big chebs and a bottom every man wanted to be the first to violate.

    One day Queen Sluggy asked the Mirror who was going to win the King George V race and who was the fairest in the land. The mirror replied "Norfolk & Chance will win by a nose but Dolly86 is fairest as the beauty stakes goes."
    Queen sluggy flew into a rage and threw a page boy out of a window, screaming curses upon Dolly86, Queen Sluggy called for her religious adviser, Minister Doughnut.

    The good Minister had just finished debriefing a nun. The nun was all of a quiver and putting her briefs back on when MDN slapped her naked arrse and said "sorry, must dash, Duty Calls".

    Queen Sluggy ordered MDN to take her step daughter into the haunted woods and murder her, bury the body.
    NDM being a pro at these things pointed out that Dolly86 would be missed by every red blooded male in the kingdom. Some sort of cover story would be needed. They decided to say that Princess Dolly had gone on holiday with the McCann's and when she did not return....... well it would not be the first time that family came back short.

    Under the pretext of taking the young Princess Dolly86 on a Religious Education GCSE field trip to Witches Grove they left for the haunted woods.
    MDN had a spring in his step as he was looking for ward to having a fresh corpse to grind over the next few months until decomposition made her to mushy to have her dead back door smashed in.

    As they started to walk through the haunted woods princess Dolly86 told MDN that she was scared or the shadows. MDN muttered some thing about her being a big poof and that he would have to walk back alone!
  2. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Then along came Forks, mysteron and the Padre who pulled the PC card and said the panto will have to be shut down 'cos you can't use the word "poofs" as it offends shirtlifters.
  3. Health and Safety Guidance for 'Festive Songs'

    The Rocking Song

    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.Please note: only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

    Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the snow -
    In a one horse open sleigh,
    O'er the fields we go -
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
    While Shepherds Watched

    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night,
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around .
    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows .
    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road;
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load .
    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar -
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star .
    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route-finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
  4. As the doooooomed Dolly86 and horny MDN ventured deeper into the haunted forest, the ghostly shadows and the strange noises had Princess Dolly86 holding the Ministers hand very tighly........ all MDN could think of was how good that tight grip would be in his purple bishop and how he would have to wait ages for rigermortis to set in..... or he could just keep her a live. MDN had never had a royal sex slave before, well not one that was still alive any way.

    just then they found them selves in the clearing where the Witches Grove was. The Witches Grove was a casino and bordello with the tag line "Poker in the front, poke her in the rear".
    the place was run by seven squaddies, they had been in the haunted forest testing the new MTP PECOC they had got lost but as luck would have it they ran into Ray Mears. Ray had been persuaded to build a luxury shelter and had really out done him self with the witches grove.
  5. I'm excited, I have a thing about dwarf porn, it makes me happy when i am sad! If I get to run through the whole of the seven dwarfs before Christmas dinner then i will be content!

    Thanks LVH xx
  6. "where's the body?"
    "it's behind you!"
    sorry i just thought that could be worked in somewhere :twisted:
  7. What about short Australians?
  8. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I thought all Aussies were short. They never seem to have enough to buy a round anyway 8)
  9. Never mind all that, wheres the next installment LVH?
    I hope your not going to kill Dolly off, think of the sex slut thread 8O
  10. Looks like Draggy is in luck then

  11. I'd never thought about dwarf porn until you mentioned it, and now that you have, I never shall again.

    And a Merry Christmas to all Arrse panto lovers.

    (checks he did type "panto")
  12. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    He's behind you!!!!! :twisted:
    • Like Like x 1
  13. "Has anyone seen my little Willy" ?
  14. Grownup_Rafbrat

    Grownup_Rafbrat LE Book Reviewer Good Egg (charities)

    Is there room in this Panto for wicked Uncle Gym - founder member 'The Horrid Evil Men', ex Captain, 'Rotten Man', Paypal Knight, awarded medals for bravery in the face of prostitutes, advanced photoshop techniques, and jap-slapper extraordinaire?

    Perhaps he would come to Dolly's rescue with the famed Galloglas Guard?