An alternative Christmas

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by vampireuk, Dec 20, 2011.

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  1. I'm quite sure I'm not alone in hating this fucking time of year so let us miserable bastards come together with... different methods of celebrating this period.

    I shall begin with the nativity of cocks.

  2. Oh "Bum Hug"!!
  3. Make an Xylophone out of various sizes of live cats and beat out "Good King Wenceslas".

    Have a venison roast for Christmas and hide a Glacé cherry on a child's plate. "Look Darling/Princess/Daddy's-Little-Accident! You got Rudolph's nose!"

    Put on stockings, a pencil skirt and a push up bra and demand to sit in Santa's lap. Glow with the knowledge that a hundred children now want to know why "Santa's trousers are sticking up" (Works better for women, admittedly, but you never know.)

    Change the hymn numbers in your mother-in-law's church to all read 666.

    Take trips out to council estates and rearrange the God-awful plastic reindeer and Santa's into erotic poses.

    Dress up as Death, wrap tinsel around your scythe and hang around Salvation Army Choir spots.

    Have done some of these, the others are on the to-do list.
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  4. As this is the season of good will to all men, I will throw my seasonal bucket of water onto the frozen steps of the local mosque!
  5. Add holly leaves, for that festive touch.
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  6. Giving the synagogue a miss then? Whatever happened to even handedness?
  7. And set up a Hot Dog stand.
  8. I just throw shit, or sometimes bacon.....
  9. Break all the fingers in their left hands and hide the toilet tissue.

    I am not racist. I loathe everyone.
  10. Errmm it sort of burnt down some time ago, 9th November 1938. They built a new one somewhere outside the Altstadt in the 1950s, but they keep a low profile!
  11. jim24

    jim24 Book Reviewer

    I did send my recipe for Pistachio Pork , with photos to a Muslim mate in Kabul

    Attached Files:

  12. No.

    You may not.

    Because I am drunk, and as such omniscient.

    And you Sir are a pedant, and therefore wearisome.

    Good evening to you.
    • Like Like x 2
  13. So if you are drunk and omnithingymajig any chance of posting nude poics of yourself with legs spread as an alternative Xmas pressie?
  14. I'm afraid not my dear Mr Pantz.

    Try to catch me when I'm drunk and I've just had an argument with my dear husband.
  15. What the hell is a poic?

    A picture of a poke?

    A photo of a picture of a poke?

    Can you get a pig in one?
    • Like Like x 1