An alternative Christmas

I'm quite sure I'm not alone in hating this fucking time of year so let us miserable bastards come together with... different methods of celebrating this period.

I shall begin with the nativity of cocks.

Make an Xylophone out of various sizes of live cats and beat out "Good King Wenceslas".

Have a venison roast for Christmas and hide a Glacé cherry on a child's plate. "Look Darling/Princess/Daddy's-Little-Accident! You got Rudolph's nose!"

Put on stockings, a pencil skirt and a push up bra and demand to sit in Santa's lap. Glow with the knowledge that a hundred children now want to know why "Santa's trousers are sticking up" (Works better for women, admittedly, but you never know.)

Change the hymn numbers in your mother-in-law's church to all read 666.

Take trips out to council estates and rearrange the God-awful plastic reindeer and Santa's into erotic poses.

Dress up as Death, wrap tinsel around your scythe and hang around Salvation Army Choir spots.

Have done some of these, the others are on the to-do list.

Mark The Convict

As this is the season of good will to all men, I will throw my seasonal bucket of water onto the frozen steps of the local mosque!
Why not pig's blood? Same effect on target, it sounds as though you have ready access to the stuff, and you may as well do the job properly.
Having scraped the tortoise off the frozen patio and dropkicked him into a box with old porn mags for the winter, I will today be mixing ground glass with molten suet before pouring it into a Blue Peter coconut shell. That will teach them pesky birds with all that tweet bloody tweet shite!