Amusing stuff ripped of from the Crabs

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by BuggerAll, Jun 21, 2005.

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  1. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I found the following at

    Don't ask how or why I was looking there, but I thought they were quite funny and worth sharing


    1. Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves the area, travelling upwind.

    2. Parachute Regiment: Lands on snake. Kills snake. Sleeps with snake. Still loves snake in morning.

    3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, looks for more snakes, looses a track and sulks till REME arrive.

    4. Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective – “to hold London against Roundheads at all costs”

    5. Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Gets naked with snake. Eats snake.

    6. Royal Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for defeating snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by Pioneers and drowns.

    7. Royal Artillery: Fires three-hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray (short) round, falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared a success and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”

    9. Medical Services: Snake killed by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake. Declares death by natural causes.

    10. Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes Power-point presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval Forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations

    11. Territorial Army: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Kicks dust over snake. Keeps quiet about it.

    12. RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snakes. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, 15 Tornados, AWACs and RAF Regiment. Loads anti-ship missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can’t find snake. Drops missiles into sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry cleaning collection, facials, manicures …etc.

    13. RMP: Hassles Snake. Goads Snake. Waits for snake to strike back. Beats snake to unconsciousness with 12 of his mates, then charges snake for unrelated driving offence.

    14. Intelligence Corps: Snake? What Snake??? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    15. RLC: Procurement agency orders 2-year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute 20” output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in Catering Corps messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts don’t believe options feasible. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsly Harriot and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat delivered to messes by RCT and offloaded by Pioneers. Snake meat launched into Service Messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army blames youth of today and recruitment issues, demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Multi-national Euro Army at massive loss.

    16. Air Despatch: Hercules low level ingress at 200 feet with dispatchers chucking chaff out para-door in Army “Horror Bags” Pallet chutes fail. Pallet squashes snake.

    17. Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified by Heckler and Koch to meet performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and an “off the shelf” snake is bought from the USA for $10billion

    18. Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not Black, Female, Homosexual, or Disabled, Loses interest.

    19. Royal Pioneers: Beat snake with shovel, scratches arse and wonders what fuss was about????

    20. REME: Drops big spanner onto passing snake. Snake falls into drip tray, chokes to death on spillsorb.

    21. Army Air Corps: Fires 600 rounds from door gunner after assembling GPMG from parts in back, lands, reloads, and returns to scene. Crashes Lynx on landing. Scores two hits on passing truck????

    22. EOD: Threat assesses risk from snake. Considers use of massive amounts of explosives. Decides risk from snake low and explosives would put civilians at risk. Walks down to snake and receives Queens Gallantry Medal….. Posthumously.

    23. WRAC: identifies with snake being minority group, invites it on a girlie night out, shows it how to get he best out of it's
    make up and cleavage in low cut top, tells it the only way to succeed in this world is to shag highest rank possible. Snake dies of sexually transmitted disease & boredom

    24. Regimental Sergeant Major: Inspects Snake, charges snake for being legless on parade.

    25. Officers:prods snake with stick, watch with bemused interest as snake bites bat man.


    cwarranto03-01-2005, 01:03 PM
    found this amusing, lets see if anyone else does? ;)


    *snip* 1 through to 25



    BlackHawk03-01-2005, 01:06 PM
    Im still laughing :D


    cwarranto03-01-2005, 01:06 PM
    Not that we like to take the mick out of the senior service, but...

    38 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home

    1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
    2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Diesel trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
    3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Times, Sun, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
    4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
    5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same facilities.
    6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
    7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
    8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
    9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
    10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
    11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
    12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
    13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
    14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
    15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
    16. At least once a month, force the toilet to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
    17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
    18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
    19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
    20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
    21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
    22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
    23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
    24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
    25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
    26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
    27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
    28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
    29. Remind yourself every day: "It's not just a job, it's an adventure!"
    30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
    31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
    32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbour as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
    33. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a different shade of gray.
    34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.
    35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.
    36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
    37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."
    38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."


    cwarranto03-01-2005, 01:08 PM
    Joint Military Operations

    One reason the military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Royal Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Royal Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Royal Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


    cwarranto03-01-2005, 01:13 PM
    Apt if nothing else...


    The chief of staff of the RAF decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Royal Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new Typhoon, a pair of twin well-built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an recruiting poster walked up to them. The Chief of Staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Air Force in the world?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The Air Marshall gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The Air Marshall looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring the RAF?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the Air Marshall replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the RAF, what else do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the Air Marshall, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the Air Marshall, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to *chop* it before he can pile it!"

    (I am done, i have no more i can post here without fear of deletion. Anyone else?)


    BlackHawk03-01-2005, 01:14 PM
    <>Army Official Voice Mail Message
    ;Thank you for calling the British Army. Im sorry, but all of our units are either out, financially embarrassed, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message stating your, country, organization, region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. You will have to accept reverse charges as were are strapped for cash. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.

    ;Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers.

    If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

    If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press
    Hash&1# for the Royal Air Force.
    Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.

    If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags or a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.

    If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.'

    If you are in real hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be routed to Sandline International.

    If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, have premature arthritis, be paid little for protecting your countrymen or any other sponging foreigner that seeks asylum here, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, be prepared to work your **** off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passes-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.

    Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.


    BlackHawk03-01-2005, 01:20 PM
    12 Marines and a Wren are washed up on a desert island.
    After 5 years the Wren is so disgusted with what they are doing, she dies.
    After 5 more years the Marines are so disgusted with what they are doing, they bury her.
    After 5 more years the Marines are so disgusted with what they are doing, they dig her up again.

    :D I'll stop now....Im sure this isn't very productive!


    cwarranto03-01-2005, 01:23 PM
    Ooo, i found another one..

    Murphy's Laws Of Combat

    1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
    2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
    3. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
    4. There is always a way.
    5. The easy way is always mined.
    6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
    7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
    8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them.
    9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
    10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
    11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
    12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
    13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
    14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
    15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
    16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
    17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
    18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
    19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
    20. Never forget that your equipment is made by the lowest bidder.
    21. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
    22. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
    23. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
    24. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
    25. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    26. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
    27. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
    28. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
    29a. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed at different scales.
    29b. All battles are fought uphill.
    29c. All battles are fought in the rain.
    30. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
    31. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
    32. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
    33. Tracer works both ways.
    34. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
    35. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
    36. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
    37. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
    38. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
    39. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

    40. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
    41. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
    42. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
    43. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
    44. When in doubt empty the magazine.
    45a. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.
    45b. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.
    46a. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
    46b. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.
    46c. To ensure this, the mortar team caries extra pins.
    47. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
    48. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
  2. Yep , funny 10 years ago and still funny now
  3. LOl only one of them i hadnt seen before, but still very good
  4. Did not realise this was so extensive and, as polar has pointed out, so old. Some of this has been used as (unsuccessful) chat up small talk on me by would be lotharios on the odd occasion, all claimed as their own work of course. I think I might point them to ARRSE in future :lol: