Amnesty International's 'Adopt a Detainee Program' Dear Guardian Reader: Thank you for your recent whinging letter criticising the treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaida detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. As part of the Home Office's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be pleased to learn that we have decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your house on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed. His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test were negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied. Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling and home schooling. He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next dinner party. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your cleaners daily routine. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does not play well with others". Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill. Please take good care of our detainee. Amnesty International.